Akatsuki on the Run
by xotakux2002x
Summary: Third part in the Akatsuki saga. Maybe the kids should have thought their plans out a little better; that way, they wouldn't be pursued by so many people now. Akatsuki, kisaita sasodei kakuhidan peinkonan zettobi
1. Prologue

It was mid-afternoon by the time Pein decided to pull over and get directions. It wasn't that the ginger believed that he may need directions or anything like that, oh no; the leader simply felt that he ought to buy gas for the van. And, should he happen to casually ask the cashier how to get out of this godforsaken desert, and should the cashier just happen to give him some advice, why, what was the harm in taking it?

"So, you finally decided to stop for directions," Konan noted at the Akatsuki leader pulled up to a dilapidated old gas station. It was exactly the kind of building you'd expect to see in a desolate area like this; two pumps out front, a glass window showing the entire inside of the shop, faded yellow walls stained from years of sand and clay blowing against them, and topped off by a few rusty signs in the front of the parking lot advertising the price of gasoline and diesel fuel. "Tell me, what finally did it; me threatening to dump you on the side of the road, or passing the same cactus for the third time?"

"Konan, I am merely stopping to get gas."

"The tank is ¾ full."

"Your point?"

The blue-haired female quietly shook her head and leaned against the car door. "Just get back soon," she muttered before shutting her eyes and yawning. "You know how the others get when we're stuck in one place for too long."

With a silent nod in the affirmative, Pein hopped out of the car and shut the door quietly behind him. A recent check in the back end had revealed that all of the ukes (and most of the semes, for that matter) were sound asleep, and heaven help whoever was foolish enough to wake a dozing Akatsuki member during their first break since the Otogakure had come to town.

It didn't take but five minutes to fill the tank all the way, and (ignoring a rather smug-looking Konan) the leader walked into the gas station to pay for the fuel.  
As expected, the interior of the air-conditioned store was almost completely devoid of human life. The lone person in the gas station besides Pein was a middle-aged man standing behind the register, sporting overalls and a straw hat while attempting to repair what appeared to be an old radio.

Brushing past the racks of chips and coolers filled to the brim with sodas, Pein approached the dust-covered countertop and patiently waited for the man to notice his presence. When several minutes passed and all the cashier had done was swear none-too-quietly at the electronic device, Pein finally cleared his throat. "Excuse me," he began.

The pierced man may as well have lit a firecracker under the guy's foot. Immediately the cashier jumped and stumbled backwards, managing to trip and fall to the floor along with a stockpile of canned spam. "Fucking hell," he gasped. "When'd you get in here?"

"A few minutes ago," Pein replied without batting an eye at the worker's language. He'd heard worse earlier that morning when Hidan had been whining for them to pull over so he get breakfast or sacrifice something, the teen couldn't remember which.

"Oh. Well, welcome, I guess. Anything I can get ya?"

"I need to pay for gas." Pein made a mental note not to mention the cashier's inattentiveness to the others; it would probably result in Kakuzu grumbling for several hours about how they should have just driven off, and since Hidan was already in a foul mood from lack of bagels and mutilation of small mammals, the _last_ thing Pein wanted was a grouchy banker as well.

"All right, which pump are ya at?"

"Erm…the left one?" Hey, there were only two pumps, and neither was numbered, so when in doubt, go with the basic directions. "Oh, and this," the leader added, throwing a map onto the register as an afterthought. "My friends and I have gotten a little lost, and we could use some help getting back on the main road."

Nodding, the man quickly punched a few buttons on the register, and then returned to fixing his radio. "Darn thing quit working on me last night, and I can't get-there!" Without a loud pop and a black puff of smoke, the radio crackled to life.

"Congratulations," Pein stated as the newscaster began rattling of the sports scores from recent games. "Now can I pay and go?"

"Tch, fine." The cashier shook his head and took Pein's cash, before ringing him up. "What is it with you young people and always being in a hurry…"

At this, the Akatsuki leader chuckled. "Let's just say I've got a few passengers that don't like us waiting around anywhere for too long."

"And in other news, authorities still have no leads in the mysterious disappearance of Deidara Iwa-"

Pein's heart skipped a beat, and for the first time in a long while he was grateful to be so pale; else wise, the gas station worker might have seen the color drain from his face.

"It is now believed," the newscaster went on, "That Mr. Iwa was snatched from his dorm room by a well-known troop of ne'er-do-wells from Konoha called the Akatsuki. When police investigated the Akatsuki's dwelling, the house was found to be completely deserted. Suspiciously, earlier that day, two members (whose names have been withheld due to their being minors) were seen purchasing a large van-"

"It's sad, how so many kids get snatched these days," Pein interjected before a description of the van could be read off.

"Sure is," the man agreed. "Well, here's your change. Have a nice day."

"Thanks, you too," the leader replied as he spun around to leave. He needed to get out of here, before it was too late.

"Hey, wait!"  
Pein nearly had a heart attack. Slowly turning back around, he gulped and answered. "Yes?"

"Your directions, remember?"

Oh. That was all. Heaving an inner sigh of relief, Pein quickly let the man draw a path on his map to get out of the sandy wasteland. After another brief thank-you, the leader briskly walked out of the store, climbed into the car, and drove off at a leisurely pace. Once the ginger was about half a mile from the station, however, Pein wasted no time and floored the gas pedal, sending most of the members crashing into the back of the truck.

"OW! Kisame, get your foot out of my face!"

"As soon as your boyfriend gets off my lap! For PETA's sake, Deidara, your elbow's in my kidney!"

"That's because Hidan's pinning my legs, un!"

"Shut the hell up, blondie!"

"Hn."

**"Care to try speaking in English, Uchiha?"**

The weasel (who was currently squished under Tobi and Kakuzu) sighed and spoke. "Why are we fighting when Pein is the one who sent us flying?"

Itachi had a point. Speaking for the entire group, Hidan called out, "Oi, dumbass! What the hell was that for?!"

"We've got a problem," Pein spat out through gritted teeth. "A **big** problem."


	2. Chapter 1

"So that's the long and short of it," Pein concluded. The leader had pulled over to the side of the road after putting a safe distance between the group and the gas station, and was currently sitting in the back of the van explaining the situation to them.

"Damn," was all Kisame had to say. Fortunately, the rest of the group had a bit more to add.

"How the hell did this shit happen?!" Hidan demanded.

"Well, let's think. Sasori entered a dorm room in the middle of the night, snatched Deidara, and brought him back. Shortly thereafter, we left for seemingly no reason at all, completely abandoning the house. **What the hell did you think was going to happen?**"

"Something not bad?" Tobi guessed.

Konan shook her head in disbelief. "In any case, what are we going to do now?"

"We need to hide out somewhere until the proper authorities can be contacted and have this mess straightened out. It would be best to approach them rather than them find us and take us in forcibly. Therefore, I recommend seeking asylum in a location we know is safe, formulating a more detailed explanation than Zetsu's recollection of the incident and then going to the police."

Silence was heard throughout the group. "Geez, Itachi."

"Hn?"

"You just said, like, more words in one sitting than in the whole time we've known you, un."

"Only because you people are incapable of coming up with that intricate a plan on your own."

"Well, aren't we a bit smug," Sasori noted.

"Calm down," Kakuzu ordered. He then looked to the rest of the group and went on. "Does anyone have any protests to that plan?" None were heard. "Good. So, does anyone know where we could go?"

Silence

The group became thoughtfully quiet, trying to solve the one flaw in their plan. "Well we definitely can't hide out with Deidara's folks, and Sasori's grandma is all the way in Italy," Konan noted.

"My brother doesn't have room, and Tobi and Itachi's family is definitely out of the picture," Kisame went on. "Pein and Konan, your folks are gone, right?"

"Yeah. Been dead for years," Pein explained. "More or less," he added under his breath.

"Oooh, what about Zetsu's family?!" Tobi suggested.

"NO!" Pein and Konan all but screamed, making the others jump.

"I'd rather be trampled by lemmings then stay with Zetsu's family again," Konan declared.

"What happened, un?"

"You don't want to know," Pein answered.

"But-"

"Believe me kid, there are so things in this world you're better off not knowing. Let's just leave it at Zetsu is the 'normal' one in his family." That shut the others up quickly.

"So, that leaves Kakuzu-"

"Not happening."

"…And Hidan. Whose parents threw him out until we're converted, as I recall," Pein finished.

"That's it! We'll-"

"If you suggest converting us, Hidan, I swear you will be my first-ever human puppet."

"Eww! Danna, that's gross, un."

"Deidara, you know I was kidding. Honestly, who would ever turn a living person into a puppet-"

"Hey, over here!" Hidan snapped, bringing the others' attention back to the silver-haired teen. "If you dumbasses would listen, I've got a plan that'll save your heathen hides!"

"**Then spit it out**. Please."

"Ok, so we'll-wait, I need this," Hidan stated before snatching the road map out of Pein's hands.

"Hey!"

"Tch, like you could read it, asshole." Hidan wasted no time in spreading out the entire map, effectively burying Tobi and Deidara under the paper guide to the desert. "See, we just need to take this turnoff here, then drive along here until we get to there, and finally stop there!"

"And what exactly is there?" Kakuzu inquired.

Hidan grinned at his boyfriend. "The Jashinist Reeducation Camp for Heathens."

"…"

"…."

"…"

"What?"

"Let me get this straight," Kisame began. "After specifically saying your plan can't involve converting us, you suggest hiding out somewhere full of people whose **only goal in life** is to convert people like us."

"Exactly!"

Vocalizing the others thoughts, Tobi blurted out, "That's stupid!"

"Any better ideas, dumbass?"

With a resigned sigh, Pein shook his head. "I hate to say it, but Hidan's plan is the only one that we have right now."

"In any case, the map shows that it will take us several days to get out there," Konan was quick to note.

"We'll have time to put a new strategy into effect if the idea presents itself. Until then, we go with Hidan. Agreed?"

"Agreed," the others muttered, some less willingly than others. "Hn," Itachi grunted.

"Yeah angel. This is not going to end well," Kisame murmured in agreement.

-meanwhile, several hundred miles away-

A young boy sat in the middle of the living room on a couch, brushing his hair and humming to himself. Zabuza always told him that it needed to be cut, but never actually made the boy trim it. This was fine with Haku. Longer hair better complimented his feminine figure and countenance, and made him feel rather pretty.

The boy's grooming was stopped temporarily when he heard the sound of an apartment door opening and shutting from another room. His partner must be home. "Zabuza?" he called out softly.

"Who else has a key to our apartment?" a gruff voice demanded from down the hall.

Haku smiled as he rose from the couch and quietly sauntered into the kitchen. Definitely Zabuza. As he walked into the room, Haku made a mental note that sometime soon, he'd need to dust the table and possibly mop the tiled floors. Really, this place was getting as bad as it had been before he'd moved in with Zabuza. "Did you get food while you were out?" the younger male asked.

His question was answered by the presence of numerous brown paper bags lining the countertop. It appeared that their pantry would be well-stocked for the next few weeks. The smile fell from his face when he noticed a pack of cigarettes in the elder man's hands. It had been bad enough that Zabuza bought them before turning 18, but now that it was legal for him to smoke, Haku had no argument against his partner's bad habit. "Must you smoke in here?" The teen was beginning to think that all those cigarettes were somehow responsible for his partner's skin turning ashen.

"Must you breathe my air?"

Haku shook his head and decided to drop the subject in favor of searching through the groceries. "You certainly bought a lot this time, Zabuza." He shot his partner a sideways glance. "I take it this means we've received an assignment?"

From beneath the bandages wrapped around his face, Zabuza smirked and chuckled. "Rather observant, aren't you? As a matter of fact, yes." Haku frowned at the confirmation. "Don't say it. I know full well how you feel about me taking jobs when you're not there to see who's hiring us, but it's not your call."

"What are they like?"

"Let's just say I'm glad you weren't there."

The younger male raised a brow at this. Most of their clients were shady as it stood, so for someone to rub Zabuza the wrong way…well, it was decidedly bad. "Our payment?"

"Half now, half when the job's over."

Haku nodded. That was how he liked it. And now, for the final question: "Our job?"

"Hunt down a group known as the Akatsuki. We're supposed to capture them and bring them to a currently unspecified location, but…"

"But?"

Zabuza grinned. "Our buyer has no problem with us using lethal force."


	3. Chapter 2

The Akatsuki members were surprised when Pein stopped late in the afternoon near a wooded campground. "Erm, Pein…" Kisame began.

"What?" the afore-mentioned male asked as he shut of the van's engine and pocketed the keys.

"Why are we stopping when we just stated that we are on the run from cops, and need to keep moving?"

"Because I'm tired and the only one of us with a driver's license, so we have to stop. And no, one of you can't take over 'just for a little while', because the last thing we need right now are more charges against us." With that, the ginger crawled into the back of the van and proceeded to curl up in the corner, presumably to get some sleep.

"…So, what are we supposed to do now, un?" Deidara inquired.

"Konan is going to run to the store we passed at the entrance to the camp site and see about getting some dresses for you and Itachi."

"Ok, that's-wait, what did you say?!"

"How did I get roped into this!?" Itachi demanded from his place on Kisame's lap. It was probably a good thing he and the shark had been in mid-cuddle; else wise, the Uchiha probably would have lunged at Pein and done unspeakable things to him in order to get his answer.

The clearly exhausted leader rolled over and gave the disgruntled males an irate glare from his half-lidded eyes. "Because the cops are looking for a band of teenagers consisting of nine males and one female. By disguising you two as females, we can decrease the chances that someone will put two and two together and figure out who we are. That being said, Konan, I also need you to get some skin bleach for Kisame and foundation for Kakuzu and Zetsu. Tobi, you'll just have to go without a mask."

That caused half the group to riot, and in the end Pein had to settle for two crossdressers and a promise that Kakuzu would try to cover up his scars as best he could, while Kisame simply gave a "Hell's no!" to any suggestions; and honestly, who's going to argue with a six and a half foot tall shark with a sadistic weasel boyfriend?

Meanwhile, Konan had been searching through her bags and soon produced a set of skirts and blouses. "Here you two," she offered, meekly handing the offending articles to her friends. "These'll have to do until I got to the store."

"Hn," Itachi grunted in reply. He grudgingly accepted the clothes and set them between himself and Deidara, before taking off his shirt.

"Not a word from any of you, un," Deidara threatened as he began to undress. "Now beat it."

"Tch, fine by me," Hidan stated as he threw open the back door and all but leapt out of the car onto the ground. "Whoooo, fresh air!" Invigorated by his new-found freedom, Hidan rushed off into the forest, presumably to find small furry animals and make a sacrifice.

"Hidan, don't kill any pets this time," Kakuzu warned as he too exited the van.

"Whatever. I still say that Jashin-damned, "It's a Chihuahua, not a rat!" thing was a load of bs," Hidan grumbled as Kakuzu caught up with him. Soon the smaller man was hanging on the banker's arm, and they were off into the woods.

"Zetsu, Tobi wants to go fishing!"

"We don't have a fishing pole."

"Tobi wants to climb a mountain!"

"**We don't have any gear, moron.**"

"Tobi wants to explore a cave!"

"There aren't any caves-"

"Zetsu, Tobi wants to wrestle a bear!"

"Tobi-**you know what? Fine. We'll find you a bear to wrestle**."

"Yay!" With that, Tobi skipped merely into the woods with Zetsu following at a distance, arguing about whether or not to stop Tobi before the masked teen actually found a bear.

Konan was next to exit the van, followed by a somewhat reluctant Kisame and Sasori. "Deidara, are you sure you don't want-" The puppeteer began.

"Sasori danna, get out, un." Before either seme could protest, the ukes had thrown the poor men out on the dirt road and slammed the doors shut in their faces.

"Well that was harsh," Kisame said.

"Thanks for stating the obvious," Sasori growled as he rose to his feet and dusted himself off.

"Why us? Pein's the one who put those two in drag, not us!"

"That kind of logic matters to an uke?"

"Fair enough. So…wanna practice keeping a straight face when they come out?"

"Why not."

-meanwhile, at the camp store-

"Let me get this straight. You need a dozen dresses, four sets of hosiery, half a dozen barrettes and two pairs of flats, size 13, because you weren't prepared for the woods?" the cashier asked in disbelief.

"Totally," Konan agreed while filing her nails. "Like, this woods is so nature-y, and there's bugs and trees everywhere! My capris and pumps are ruined beyond repair! I swear, next year daddy's going to pay for a week at the spa, not some lame nature trek."

Shaking his head and muttering about dumb rich girls, the worker quickly rang up Konan's purchases and bagged the items before sending the woman on her way. Konan, meanwhile, was doing an inward victory dance. _"Easiest way to blend in; be something completely loud and obnoxious that people will try to block out."_ Chuckling to herself, the female was so happy that she didn't notice the male coming towards her, until it was too late.

BAM

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Konan exclaimed in mild horror. The person she'd run over was a tall, gangly male, probably not that much older than she. He'd been carrying a towering pile of booklets, now scattered all over the ground, and appeared to be dressed in…boots and a tunic?

"Ah, fear not, m' lady," he replied with a kind smile as he straightened his spectacles. "'Tis fate that misfortune doth fall into one's life now an' again."

"Err, right," the blue-haired woman agreed as she climbed to her feet and helped the brunette pick up the booklets, which she now realized were scripts. "Julius Caesar?" she inquired upon seeing the title of the scripts.

"Verily. Forgive me for lacking in formalities; I am Jude, of the Shakespeare Revival Movement. We're a band of traveling thespians, minstrels, and other purveyors of the fine arts. Yay, our journey was halted by a lack of scripts, and consequently, I was sent out on a quest to copy our manuscripts in preparations for the next production, lest our irritable and selfish actors find themselves wrestling for a page of lines like wild dogs for a bit of meat off the spit."

"So you needed more scripts so the actors wouldn't kill each other, and had to make copies at the copy machine inside the story."

"Verily and forsooth. Pray, dost thou require assistance with thy purchases?"

"What? These?" Konan asked, motioning to her bags. When he confirmed her suspicions, she turned the thought over in her head, before nodding and smiling at her new friend. "Yeah. Never hurts to have a little help." The female then handed a few of her bags off to Jude, before leading him down the road to the van.

-meanwhile, back at camp-

"Pein, you're a dead man when this is over, un," Deidara growled out as he finished buttoning his blouse.

"If not for putting us in skirts, than at least for making me wear plaid," Itachi concurred. At least Deidara had the benefit of a denim miniskirt; the weasel's outfit all but screamed Catholic school girl.

The leader's answer was a half-hearted snore, making the other two males narrow their eyes. "We should draw on his face, un."

"Hn."

"Danna should have a few markers in his bag. But he'll kill me if I go through his stuff without asking…"

"Then go ask."

"Fine, un. But you're coming too." Their plan formed, the two ukes exited the van in search of the Akasuna, who was sitting nearby under an oak tree. "Danna, un."

"What is it, Dei…da…" the redhead had to bite his lip and look away to keep from laughing. He'd been expecting this, but nothing could adequately prepare him for the sight of his boyfriend (who all too often had to proclaim that he was a male to disbelievers) wearing a blue jean skirt and padded tube top. Kisame seemed to be having similar problems after seeing Itachi's outfit, an occasional chuckle escaping his lips now and again.

"One word, Kisame, and you will envy Tayuya after I interrogated her," Itachi threatened in a low growl.

"I'm sorry angel, but…geez, after all those "I'm not a girl," comments, seeing you dolled up like this…irony's such a bitch." At this point Kisame had to stop speaking, as he and Sasori were both doubled over in laughter.

"There they are," Konan said as she and Jude approached the group. "Geez, wonder what's got Kisame and Sasori going…" it was then that the female saw Deidara and Itachi in drag. She couldn't help but smile and laugh at the sight. "Oh, that's it."

"M' lady?"

"It's nothing, Jude. Two of my friends are just wearing some clothes that are a bit out of character for them," she explained with a grin.

"Ah, now I-" Jude's statement was never finished. Instead, the male gazed down at the group before him in shock, and dropped Konan's bags.

"Jude, what is it?!" Konan demanded, looking frantically from the brunette to her friends and back, desperately trying to find the source of the actor's bewilderment.

"Be still, my beating heart! Oh, these wretched eyes, were they but worthy enough to gaze upon such heavenly beauty, such divine splendor!"

"Um, Jude?"

"What light, through yonder window breaks? 'Tis the celestial radiance that doth dance upon the countenance of that glorious, marvelous raven-haired beauty! Oh, most splendid creature! By all the works of the most honorable Shakespeare, I declare my love for thee!"


	4. Chapter 3

"Tobi! Where did he go? **Why are you asking me?** I wasn't-**hey, there he is**." The missing teen was lying in the middle of a clearing, staring up at the sky with his arms outstretched beside him. Tobi lay completely still, motionless save for the occasional rise and fall of his chest. "Dumb kid probably wore himself out," Zetsu muttered to himself as he approached the younger male. "Tobi!"

The masked teen's response was to tilt his head backwards, getting an upside-down view of his boyfriend as he reclined on the ground. "Zetsu, Tobi can't find any bears."

"They're hibernating."

"It's April!"

"**They're Canadian**."

"What does-"

"**Canadian bears sleep longer!**"

"…Really?"

"Yup."

"Wow, Zetsu is smart!" Both halves of Zetsu grinned at this.

Tobi finally worked up the effort to move his body into a sitting position and looked at Zetsu over his shoulder. "Does Zetsu want to sit with Tobi?"

The hacker nodded and seated himself at the trunk of a mighty oak, leaving his arms stretched wide open for Tobi. "Come here." The younger male all but launched himself into the elder male's arms, squishing him between the ADHD teen and solid oak. "OOF!"

"Whoa, Zetsu's eyes bug out really far!"

"Tobi?"

"Yes?"

"**Shut up.**"

Pouting, the younger male did as instructed and curled up against Zetsu's chest in silence. Minutes passed like this, with not a word spoken between the two of them. And then: "Zetsu?"

"Hm?"

"What's gonna happen to us?"

The lack of third person speech immediately captured the elder teen's attention. He looked down at the Uchiha snuggled into his chest with a mixture of curiosity and worry. "What are you talking about?"

"If the cops get us, Deidara and Sasori are gonna be split up, right? So, what happens to Zetsu and Tobi?" Tobi's grip on Zetsu's shirt tightened. "Are they going to take Zetsu away from Tobi?"

It took Zetsu a moment to compose himself. The hacker hadn't seen Tobi this upset since the night he'd run away, and it unnerved him to the core. Even before the words could form in his mind, his hands reached up to pull away Tobi's mask. "Never."

"Does Zetsu mean that?"

A nod and a kiss were Tobi's answer. "Yes. Now settle down."

The Uchiha positively beamed up at Zetsu. "Ok, Zet-squirrel!" and with that, Tobi was running off into the woods, followed closely by his boyfriend, hoping to catch the younger man before he fell off a cliff.

-n-

"Are you done yet, un?"

Deidara was currently speaking to Sasori and Kisame, who were still lying on the ground laughing like mad.

Kisame was the first to regain his composure and sat up, wiping the tears from his eyes as he took a few deep breaths. "I'm sorry guys…oh Kami, you two look ridiculous!"

"Particularly you, Itachi," Sasori commented with a last chuckle. "Kisame's going to be beating off men with a stick."

Itachi's eye twitched. "Are you saying I can't handle the perverts myself?"

"Well…I mean, Kisame's definitely better suited to get rid of them-"

"Kisame, say something," the Uchiha ordered as he refocused his attention from the nervous redhead to his boyfriend.

The shark shrugged. "Well, you're not exactly butch or anything, angel."

"Angel?" Now it was Deidara's turn to laugh.

The combination of the blonde laughing and the shark agreeing with Sasori was what finally did it. Growling low in his throat, the Uchiha yanked Kisame down to eye level with anger clear in his eyes. "I'm fully capable of taking care of myself," he hissed.

"Itachi, I didn't say-"

"I don't want your help, and I certainly don't need it."

"Why are you getting all defensive!?"

"Hn."

Kisame narrowed his eyes. "Ok, fine. You don't want me to help you? Then I won't."

"Fine."

"Fine!" Decision made, the two stormed off in opposite directions, presumably to sulk for a few hours in solitude.

Deidara looked first to Kisame's retreating figure, then Itachi's, and finally to Sasori, who stood close by clearly as confused as the bomber. "Danna, what just happened?"

"What the hell's going on out here?" Pein demanded. Apparently the ruckus had awoken the leader from his nap, and the ginger was now poking his head out from inside the truck, intending to locate the cause of his awakening.

"Long story short, Itachi and Kisame had a spat," Sasori explained.

"Lovely. This car ride's going to be filled with awkward silences for a few days now, isn't it?"

"Un."

-n-

Konan stood beside Jude, blinking in disbelief at the love-struck male. "Erm, Jude-"

"Oh, the sun! It doth fall to the west! M' lady, I must be off now! Take care, and give my regards and compliments to the beauty that doth grace we unworthy humans with their divine presence! Fare thee well." With those parting words, Jude disappeared with an armful of scripts, leaving behind Konan and the shopping bags.

-meanwhile, with the theatre troupe-

Anna peered around the campsite, straightening her coke bottle glasses with a frown on her face. "First Jude runs off, and now Lennon." Swearing under her breath, the sandy blonde girl made her way through the rows of tents past several violinists and a pair of actors practicing their monologues, barely even acknowledging their presence in her heart. As the leader of the SRM, it was her solemn duty to keep track of all members of the troupe, and in the event that they vanished, drag them back to kicking and screaming. "Lennon!" she shouted.

At that moment, she heard soft guitar music playing across the way. "Lennon," she muttered under her breath. Anna quickly spun around on her heels and sprinted through the crowd, barely avoiding trampling several stage hands in the process. "Every time he goes missing, something bad-oh good lord, no!"

The cause for Anna's sudden shock and halting in her tracks was the sight of the troupe bus. The vehicle was a beat-up old charter bus, fixed up by their personal driver and mechanic. Once put in working order, the vehicle had been painted in vibrant shades of red and purple, with the troupe's emblem on the side. Therefore, it was understandable that Anna would panic, upon seeing the bus completely repainted in psychedelic yellows, reds, greens and blues. The guitar music appeared to be coming from the roof of the bus, accompanied by gentle singing. "Picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees, and marmalade skies…"

"Lennon!" Clearly upset, Anna scrambled up the hood of the bus, then onto the roof.

Before her lay a male in baggy jeans and a skin tight t-shirt, sitting up and playing a pristine acoustic guitar. Upon her arrival, he looked up, staring at her coke bottle lens through his own circular specs. He smiled. "Hello hello."

"Don't 'hello hello' me!" she snapped angrily. "I told you to go find out what happened to Jude, and what do you do!? You completely redecorated our bus! What were you thinking?!"

He shrugged. "I've got a feeling."

She narrowed her eyes. "A feeling?"

"A feeling deep inside."

"That's your excuse? You had a feeling that told you to paint the bus without anyone's permission?!"

"Oh yeah."

Anna proceeded to throw her shoe square in his face, effectively knocking the singer onto his back. "What kind of answer is that?! And where is Jude?"

"Ho ho, fellows, I'm back with a multitude of manuscripts!" a voice called out from the ground

"Jude!" Anna squealed. She leapt off the bus and tackled the male, sending scripts flying everywhere. "You're back with the scripts!"

"Verily."

"It's been a long time," Lennon noted.

"Lennon, shut up!" Anna ordered. "Although he does have a point." Immediately her anger refocused on Jude. "Where have you been?!"

"To the pearly gates and back, with a vision of grace and majestic beauty firmly planted within me, like the seed of th' most beautiful rose."

"Uh-huh, that's nice. Well while you were gone, we lost the only manuscripts we have, the sodas ran out, we spilled face powder all over the costumes, Maria broke her ankle, and to top it all off, Lennon repainted the bus!"

"Ah. Methought something was askew."

"Oh for PETA's sake…" Anna sighed and shook her head. "Just hand the booklets out. We're packing up to leave within the hour."

Jude's face immediately went slack at the words. "But, but-!"

"But what?"

The actor's mind whirled with thoughts and excuses, until finally he struck upon a single idea that could give he what he wanted. "Anna, dear sweet Anna-"

"What do you want?"

"Maria has fallen victim to fate, wherefore she will not be able to accompany the actors onto the stage?"

"Sadly, yes. It's pushing our whole schedule months back-"

"What if, I happened to know of a person who could replace her?"

Anna was on him in a second, her pale, bony fingers wrapped tightly around his shirt collar. "Who?"

"Erm…"

"Spit it out, darn you!" she ordered while violently shaking him back and forth. "The future of our show depends on it!"

"The neighb'ring camp has a raven-haired beauty, fair as the morning dew and skin pale as the full moon!"

"She's perfect," Anna whispered to herself. Already the gears were turning in her head, preparing to replace their lead female with this newcomer. She doubted there would be much ruckus, and if a few people protested…well, that was what the medieval torture devices stored in the prop closets were for.

"But she may not wish to join-" Jude cautioned

"Then convince her!" Anna snapped. Her theatre was in danger, and she wasn't about to let this chance to salvage her play slip through her fingers.

"That I can do, madam," Jude promised. The actor could barely contain his joy; not only had he found the most beautiful creature in the world, but now had the perfect opportunity to bring them together! It must have been fate.

"You have found her; now go and get her," Lennon prodded while tuning his guitar.

"Use a net if necessary!" Anna couldn't help but add.

"I shall. Fare thee well!" Jude exclaimed before running off to his tent. He'd need some time to make the preparations to woo (or capture) his soon-to-be love.


	5. Chapter 4

"Stupid Itachi. I was just being honest," Kisame growled out as he stormed through the woods, sending the nearby fauna scurrying for cover. What did Itachi want him to do?! Say the outfit made him look horrendous? Pretend that his boyfriend wasn't dressed up like an adorable school girl? Honestly, out of all the reactions the shark could have had, laughter was far from being the worst. And that whole 'not wanting Kisame to defend him' issue…

Kisame sighed. What was wrong with them? All he'd wanted to do was let Itachi know that the shark felt like the weasel's protector at times, and this had happened. He couldn't help it; when the pair of them had gotten together, Itachi was a patchwork of neglect and "I couldn't care less" feelings toward life. He needed the happy-go-lucky shark as much as Kisame needed the down to earth attitude of the Uchiha. Sometimes that was weasel was more trouble-"Jashin damnit."

Kisame froze in his tracks. _"That sounds like Hidan."_ Choosing to investigate, the blue-skinned teen walked deeper into the forest, tripping over various logs, bushes and shrubberies until at last he came upon a rather interesting sight that left him frozen in his tracks.

Kakuzu had apparently caught up with Hidan. The two were sitting beneath an ancient oak tree, the masochist straddling the miser and the duo completely oblivious to the world around them. Hidan's shirt had been discarded and was lying several feet away from the pair, exposing various bite and scratch marks adorning the masochist's chest and back.

Currently the banker seemed to be biting along the Jashinist's neck, eliciting sweet moans from his love. A particular vicious bite caused Hidan to tense and swear again. "Kakuzu, again."

By this point Kisame had a profuse blush decorating his face and loudly cleared his throat before stepping out into the couple's line of sight. "Would you two mind keeping it down? This is a public park."

"Ever heard of free love, dumbass?" Hidan growled. Kakuzu was too busy leaving more hickeys down the front of Hidan's chest to be bothered with answering, so Hidan took the liberty of speaking for both of them.

"Ever heard of public indecency?"

"No, why?"

Kisame narrowed his eyes. Of course. "Look, just try not to attract any attention. We need to keep a low profile, and I can hear Hidan's moaning a mile off, and…and…" Kisame frowned openly when Hidan began making out with Kakuzu in mid-lecture. "Fine, ignore my warning. If you guys aren't back at the camp by sundown, we're leaving you behind. Clear?"

"Mm," the pair grunted in mid-smooch. With a roll of his eyes and a muttered "Your funeral," Kisame walked off.

-n-

Itachi, meanwhile, was walking along a brook with a dejected aura about him. Damn Pein and his insistence on crossdressing; this skirt had caused nothing but trouble and cold drafts in the short time he'd been wearing it.

Pausing in his sulking, the weasel sat down on the end of a rotting log, tracing his fingers across the chocolate-colored bark. Where did Kisame get off, treating his boyfriend like that? Itachi could take better care of himself then the entire Akatsuki combined. And furthermore-"Hi ho, below!"

Itachi looked up just in time to witness the most disturbing sight he'd ever beheld in the history of his short life. Standing amidst the braches of a towering elm was a man, brunette and dressed in full Elizabethan garb, from the feathered cap on his head to the tights and breeches on his legs.

Noticing that he now had the Uchiha's attention, Jude smiled and took his hat off before gracing the weasel with a sweeping bow. "Cry neither alarm nor treachery, fair one, for I come upon thee with but the desire to pledge myself full bent dancing on my lips and love in my bosom!" Grinning all the while, the actor quickly righted himself and replaced his hat, perching it at an angle atop his head.

"…Huh?"

"What ho!" And with that, Jude snatched up a nearby rope that had been carefully tied to a knot on the tree's trunk, positioned himself, and swung down on the weasel.

Itachi, being brighter than most and quick in his thinking, realized that if a full-grown male swings down from the top of a fifty foot tree and comes barreling towards another male roughly equal to his shape and weight, taking into account gravity and air resistance, the results could only be tragic. With this in mind, he was quick to sidestep the love-crazed thespian, and a shocked Jude swung upwards in an arc, lost his grip, and plummeted straight down into the icy stream.

"Gah!" The actor fought desperately to stay above water as the current dragged him downstream, pausing only long enough to cry out to Itachi, "Let not the salty waters of agony stain your angelic face! I swear our paths shall cross again!" With these words spoken, Jude was whisked around the bend and vanished from Itachi's line of sight.

Without a sound or word, Itachi turned around and silently walked through the woods towards camp, vowing to never speak of this moment again. Ever.

-n-

"Where is Itachi?" Tobi asked Pein.

"I don't know."

"Where's Hidan?"

The leader's eye twitched. "Again, I don't know."

"Where's Kakuzu?"

The eye twitched again. "I don't know, Tobi."

"…"

"…"

"Where's Kisa-"

"Tobi, if they aren't here I don't know where they'd be. Why don't you go and find them, hm?"

"Because Zetsu said that keeping track of everyone is Sir Leader's job, and if Sir Leader doesn't keep up with the members it's because he's either too lazy or too busy staring at Konan's-"

"TOBI!"

"Zetsu!" Tobi was unable to say anything more, due to the fact that his boyfriend had tackled the male to the ground and had firmly cupped a hand over his mouth. Tobi, thinking that they were playing a game, began to struggle against Zetsu's hold.

"Konan's what, Zetsu?" Pein hissed through clenched teeth, his normally alabaster face showing a rare tint of red from Tobi's comment.

"Um…well…**nails**?"

"Supper's on," Konan called out from the other side of the campsite, saving both Zetsu and Tobi from certain doom at the hands of their leader. With a hushed whisper of, "Race you," Zetsu took off for the food, knowing that Tobi would be fast on his heels instead of hanging back to explain everything to the ginger.

The dinner in question was being served from a cast-iron stew pot strung over their fire. Seeing as everyone else in the group could burn water when it came to cooking, and since going to a restaurant was out of the question for fear of being recognized (or, in Kakuzu's case, spending money) Konan had assumed the role of chef during their vacation.

Sasori and Deidara were already eating, the puppet master sitting upright on their unrolled sleeping bag and Deidara perched in his lap. Zetsu and Tobi all but dove towards the safety of Konan's presence, nearly plowing over their comrades in the process. "Take it easy, un!" Deidara yelled out as Tobi leapt over his head.

"Oh, you two are so cute when you're hungry!" Konan squealed. Smiling and oblivious, the woman dipped her ladle into the sweet-smelling concoction and promptly filled her comrades' bowls.

"Hungry, yeah, that's it," Zetsu muttered under his breath as he took the bowels, passing one to Tobi and keep the other for himself. **"Dodged a bullet that time."**

"Tobi is a good boy!"

-n-

Gradually, the others drifted back into camp as the sun dropped lower and lower on the horizon, before disappearing completely from sight. Once everyone was sated with beef stew, Pein addressed the group as to their plans. "We're going to have to leave bright and early tomorrow." Groans were heard all around. "Don't give me those looks! One, it's not safe for us to stay in any single place for too long, and two, I'm going to be the one driving! All you people have to do is haul yourselves into the back of the van and go to sleep."

"Where are we heading?" Kisame voiced. The shark was currently sitting alone, his still-agitated boyfriend sitting on the other side of the camp by Tobi, who was currently braiding the weasel's hair into pigtails.

"As far as I can take us before I need a break," was the leader's reply.

Hidan, meanwhile, was pouring over the group's map in an attempt to calculate how much longer their journey would take. "Jashin damnit, we're not gonna get there for a week if you don't pick up the pace."

"We'll keep that in mind," Konan promised before Pein could make a snappy retort. "For now though, let's try to get some sleep."

-n-

Click. Click. Click.

Sitting in the branches of a pine tree not far from the Akatsuki camp, a young male with long, ebony hair was photographing the unsuspecting members. He'd been observing them for the past few hours, studying their habits and interactions in order to gain a better grasp of what he and Zabuza were up against.

The male smiled to himself as each teen was captured by his camera, making a mental note to thank his partner for purchasing that night vision upgrade. Minus the whole, "not being legal in most countries" aspect, it was rather beneficial for their assignments.

A few minutes and a dozen or so pictures later, Haku decided he'd gotten enough information for his partner, and gracefully leapt down from the tree and darted back into the woods. The light of the full moon was barely visible through the thick overhead branches of the forest, but lit the path well enough that Haku was able to make it back to camp without incident.

Their camp consisted of a small, canvas tent pitched beside their rental Jeep, and a single campfire to provide warmth and light. Rather cozy, considering that they'd gone far deeper into the woods than what was recommended by park rangers, and as a result were probably too close to bears or wolves for any sense of nighttime security.

At the moment, what Haku found more distressing than the presence of wildlife was the absence of his partner. "Zabuza?" he whispered as he walked into the fire's light.

Instantly a knife was at his throat as his hands were pinned down by a muscular arm. "Haku," a familiar voice growled into his ear.

The boy smiled in relief. "Mist."

As quickly as they'd come, the knife and constricting arm were gone. "Honestly Zabuza, do you really think a password is necessary right now?" Haku inquired while rubbing his throat.

"You could have been followed or used as bait for an ambush," his partner reasoned with a shrug.

Haku shook his head and sank down to his place by the fire, deciding that it would be pointless to argue that since they were in the middle of nowhere and Haku was rarely even _seen_ by the enemy, never mind used as bait or tracked, their safety word system was of no use whatsoever. Zabuza wouldn't listen, and since the young teen still hadn't eaten, it probably wasn't a good idea to piss off the man who would be doling out his food.

Speaking of which, Zabuza was already pulling out the dinner that Haku would (hopefully) be eating soon from the confines of their Jeep. "Did you get the photos?"

"Yes."

"And the information?"

"The Akatsuki members appear to operate in two-man cells, with each partner complimenting the talents or faults of the other. They're all incredibly loyal to one another, and if we have any hopes of capturing them, we'll have to split them up."

"What about lethal force?"

"Some of the members arm themselves at all times with explosives or pointy objects. Unless they're all killed at once, we'll be the ones facing a burial."

Zabuza scoffed at the notion but handed his younger partner the food, satisfied with the male's report. "There. Eat and go to bed."

"Will you be staying up for a while, Zabuza?"

The hired man's answer was a nod. "We'll need to change tactics for this."

"Oh? How so?"

"Didn't I just tell you to go to bed?"

Haku smiled, knowing the scolding to be Zabuza-speak for "I haven't figured that out yet but don't want to admit it to you." With a muted apology and submissive bow, the teen picked up his food and crawled into their tent, leaving his partner to form a plan for them.


	6. Chapter 5

"Picture yourself on a train in a station, with plasticine porters with looking glass ties…"

"Don't you know any other songs?" Anna snapped at Lennon. The two of them were currently floating down the local river in a well-stocked canoe, leftover from the previous' summer production of "Sacagawea: the Musical", with Anna paddling in the front as Lennon steered in the rear. Well, he was supposed to be steering. At the moment, the musical thespian was strumming familiar tunes on his guitar, the paddle laying forgotten at his feet. While the music was indeed pleasant to the ear, the combination of waking up at the crack of dawn to find an actor that had been missing since the previous night coupled with being the only one paddling the canoe was not, and Anna's patience was fast running out. "Play something else!"

Lennon paused in mid-chorus, turning the command over in his head a few times before grinning wickedly. Picking up his guitar and taking a few moments to tune it, he began playing and singing again. "Anna, you come and ask me girl-"

"NOT THAT ONE!"

"Anna, before you go now, I want you to know now, that I still love you so-"

WHAM

As Lennon curled up in a ball in pain, Anna returned her paddle to the water and continued on her way. Her paddling was short-lived, however, when she spotted a brightly colored lump on the horizon. "There!"

Closer inspection revealed that the lump was indeed their missing Jude, and the poor soul looked worse for the wear. He was seated on the edge of a riverbank, clothes slightly stained from the minerals in the stream. He'd surrounded himself with flowers and was picking off the petals one by one, sporting a sad expression on his face. "She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she loves me not…"

"Jude!" Anna cried out. She quickly spun around in the canoe to look at Lennon. "Quit lying there and help me paddle to shore!" Tearing his hands away from the large, black knot forming on his forehead, Lennon obeyed the command and helped his boss reach shore.

Not wasting time, Anna left Lennon to tie the canoe to the shore and rushed forward to Jude. "Jude? Jude, are you ok?"

"Hello, fair maiden. Come for the flowers? I've not much to offer. The pansies have been crushed, the violets trampled underfoot, discarded with the offered fennel. The rue abounds, and the columbines thrive. No rosemary grows, for there shan't be a wedding-"

"Snap out of it!" Anna demanded whilst delivering multiple slaps to the actor's face. "You're not just going to let one little failure ruin your chances with her, are you?"

"Mayhap."

"The hell you are! We need that lead for our production, damnit!"

"But m'lady, I've no idea where the angel resides."

"Not to worry. Prudence did a little research while you were away. The good news is, we know where your soon to be girlfriend is. Bad news, the group she's with is leaving today."

"Alas!"

"Not to worry; the troupe's all packed up and ready to leave. Now come on! We've got a fair maiden to find."

-n-

"Zetsu, it's too early for this," Tobi whined as he crawled into the back of the van.

"Don't blame me. **Pein in the ass is the one that made us get up this early.**"

It was a well-known fact that none of the Akatsuki members liked to get up in the morning, and the earlier it was, the worse their attitudes became. The early hour of dawn combined with the stress of being pursued made the entire group about as docile as a group of starving feral cats trapped in a tiny box. Currently, most of the group had fallen back to sleep, save for Zetsu, Tobi, and Pein.

"Be quiet. You people get to go back to sleep, whereas I'll be driving all day." Once everyone was loaded into the back of the van, Pein was quick to shut the back door of the van and walk around to the driver's seat. They'd already been here too long for his liking, and he was in a rush to leave the campground before anything bad could happen. However, his plan ran into a snag once he got into the front seat. "Where is Konan!?"

His question was answered by the sound of someone running towards the car. A quick look into the side mirror revealed that it was Konan, pale and looking extremely disheveled. Not hesitating for an instant, Pein threw open the car door and clambered out. "Konan?!"

"We've got a problem."

The short, simple statement quickly drew the attention of the other members who were awake, and within moments the entire group was conscious and focused on Konan. "What kind of problem are we talking about?" Pein demanded.

"Somebody who heard that news report must have seen us come into the campgrounds. Police are posted at all the exits and they're checking all the vehicles going and coming from the park. There's no way for us to get out of here without trekking across five miles of mountainous unchartered wilderness."

Panic soon swept over the group. "Couldn't we just, you know, sneak out one by one?" Kisame suggested. "Just say we were hiking or lost our friends or something?"

"Hn," Itachi retorted.

"Fine then, you figure out a plan!"

"Hn."

"Same to you."

"You ever wonder what the hell they're saying?" Hidan muttered to Kakuzu as the shark and weasel continued their bickering.

"No, and it's probably better that way."

"Come on guys," Konan interjected in a pleading voice. "We've gotten out of way harder situations than this. Let's put our heads together and think."

"Tch, lovely pep talk bitch. But in case you haven't noticed, Jashin himself probably couldn't help us now."

"Much as we hate to admit it, **the zealot has a point**."

Konan narrowed her eyes and grabbed Hidan and Zetsu by their necks. "I'm sorry, you must not have heard me. I said put your heads together!" she hissed, punctuating her command by bashing their skulls together.

"SHIT!"

"OW!"

"Now the rest of you start putting your heads together and think of something, or I'll do it for you!"

"Konan," Pein began in a weak voice as half the Akatsuki cowered behind him, "I doubt threatening is going to work right now. Our best bet would be to split up and try to sneak out in groups of one or two, possibly by-"

"Rostov."

All heads turned to look at Deidara. "What did you say?" Sasori inquired.

Deidara was staring off into the distance, his mouth set in a grim line. "Excuse me danna. I'll be right back, un." Before anyone could stop him, the blond was on his feet and walking off.

The blond appeared to be approaching a pair of men. One was a camper, dressed in khaki and hiking boots and sporting a large backpack. The other was a hunched over figure clothed in a full-body trench coat, his shaggy black hair barely concealing a goatee and wide grin. He was motioning wildly to a watch in his hand, clearly trying to sell what were probably stolen goods to the hiker. He was so engrossed in his work, in fact, that the poor soul didn't even notice Deidara until the bomber had a firm grip on the man's collar. "Rostov Ilyan Kalashnikov, un."

The dealer jumped. "I know that voice…" ever so slowly he turned his head around, and nervously grinned at Deidara, before going on in a thick Eastern European accent. "Oh, hello there Deidara. Long time no see, eh? How is you doing?"

"Fine, un. No thanks to those defective chemicals you sold me. I nearly got blown to smithereens." The camper had already fled at the sight of the confrontation, leaving Rostov to fend for himself against the wrath of Deidara.

The salesman was clearing feeling scared and let out a barely audible chuckle. "Well, you know what they say; caveat emptor," he laughed out, praying that Deidara would spare his life.

"You know what I say to that?" Rostov shook his head. "Boom."

At this the man tried to make a break for it, only to be tackled by the blond seconds later. "I'm going to blow you into tiny pieces, un!"

Fortunately for everyone in the near vicinity Deidara never got the chance to fulfill his threat, because at that moment the other Akatsuki members rushed over and yanked him off Rostov. "Deidara, calm down!" Pein ordered.

"That bastard almost killed me, un!"

"Well what did you expect when you bought explosive chemicals off the street?!"

"Um…I don't know…something that wouldn't kill me?"

"Please Deidara, have mercy!" Rostov begged, throwing himself at the blonde's feet. "If not for me, then the family! Think of my five brothers and four sisters and six nieces and seven nephews-"

"All right! Just stop groveling, un." The blond regained control of himself, only sparing a spiteful glance for Rostov now. "Don't you have any shame?"

"Shame and business don't mix well."

"Konan," Pein whispered to his girlfriend.

"Yes?"

"I have an idea. But we're going to need Deidara's help." Looking back to the group, Pein called for Deidara to come to him and Konan. "And Rostov, was it?"

"Yes?"

"Don't even think of moving." The momentary relief the black marketer's eyes faded at the ginger's words, and he regretfully resigned himself to the position of hostage, guarded by the ever vigilant Sasori and slightly bored Itachi. Once he was certain the others were out of earshot, the Akatsuki leader focused his attention on the two teens near him. "Deidara, how much threatening would it take for you to get Rostov a few cans of paint?"

"Not much, un. Why?"

"Konan, get everyone loaded into the van. I have an idea."

-15 minutes later-

"Stay out of trouble, mama said. Don't be getting mixed up with those foreign thugs, she said. Why didn't I listen to her?" Rostov was currently slinking his way through the forest foliage, hoping to make his way through the plants without running into any other campers or, heaven forbid, the cops. Oh, how he wished he could turn in those hellions known as Akatsuki members and flee for his life, without a care in the world. But, there was nothing he could do. He'd burned that bridge a long, long time ago. Along with the nearby deli and park, but that was beside the point. Now, he'd have to rely on his ability to hike five miles through treacherous, bear-ridden woods, get into a store, buy ten gallons of paint, hike back through the woods, turn it in to the Akatsuki, and pray they would let him go after that.

In short, he was absolutely doomed.

"Yo yo yo, this is R to the O to the M-E-OOOOOO!"

Rostov nearly leapt out of his skin at the cry. He'd been so busy wallowing in his own misery that the dealer had failed to realize how close he was to a campsite. Come to think of it, what were campers doing in the middle of the woods? Against his better judgment, Rostov hunkered down in the bushes and began to creep closer and closer to the voices, until at last he came across the campsite.

Before him stood half a dozen teenagers, all clothed in baggy jeans and half-turned ball caps. Two bore jackets with their hoods turned up, and another two were wearing at least a dozen gold chains with various emblems on them. They appeared to be having a heated argument, and two of them were pointing guns at each other.

Oh crap. Rostov began to panic at the sight of the firearms. Clearly he'd stumbled into some sort of gang squabble, and if he'd learned anything from TV, it was that gang squabbles always turned violent. He needed to run now, while he still could-

Just then, several large cans of paint hidden under the fender of a horridly-painted tour bus caught his eyes. Rostov literally felt himself grin ear to ear. Jackpot.

-n-

"Everyone, I'm back!" Anna screamed at the top of her lungs. The statement was more or less a warning for all actors to assemble in her presence, in order for the troupe's leader to ensure that all practices were running according to plan. "Lennon and I found Jude, so we're good to go-WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?!"

"Wassup, bitch?" A blond male in unusually baggy jeans asked.

SLAP "What the hell did you call me?!"

"Sorry, sorry! Forgive me!" he begged on bended knee, cupping his swollen cheek in one hand. "I was still in character."

"For what?!"

Fearing for his life, the male thespian handed over a copy of a script, squeaking nervously as it was violently yanked from his hands. "I-I-It's an independent peace. Prudence wrote it while patching the tear in our muffler. We thought it might be a good opener for next season."

"Rome-yo and his main ho, Juliet." Anna narrowed her eyes and glared down at the male. "What the hell is this crap?"

"Anna-"

"ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US RUN OUT OF TOWN?! The Shakespeare Revival Movement has a hard enough time trying to keep the theatre alive with all the other independent crap we do, and now you want us to put on this shit?! I've seen better scripts from creative writing classes at a community college in Nebraska!"

"But you told us to try modernizing his work!"

"That doesn't mean letting urban New York ooze from every page!" Just as the director appeared ready to eviscerate the thespian cowering before her, she caught sight of the tour bus, still drenched in vibrant waves of color. "And why does our bus look like a gay pride parade vomited all over it?!"

"We were saving it for next fall's show, José and the Multicolor Dreambus," Prudence interjected. The mechanic was currently adjusting her work goggles with one hand while wiping oil off the other hand onto the pocket of her denim overalls.

"Grrrr, I'm surrounded by morons!"

"Thespians," Jude corrected.

"Same thing!" Anna stopped her rage in mid-explosion, taking a few deep breaths to calm herself down. Her doctor warned her that anymore popped blood vessels would result in an extended hospital stay, and if she wasn't around, this troupe would fall apart in mere hours. Or minutes, if Lennon was involved… "Ok everyone, this is fine. Everything is fine. We'll all be just fine. Now, Prudence, be a dear and fix the paint, please."

The mechanic peered under the rear end of the bus, then looked back to her boss. "We can't."

Anna's eye twitched. "What was that?"

"Someone stole our paint. And it's not in the prop department's budget to buy new paint for the next six years, boss lady."

"…"

"You hear me? I said-"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Hey, Lennon? Call the troupe doctor. I think Anna just burst that last blood vessel he kept warning her about."

-meanwhile, on the other side of the campground-

"After this, I swear on mama's grave I'm going straight," Rostov swore as he bolted through the woods, sweating from the effort of hauling half a dozen buckets of paint through the wilderness. "No more shady deals in alleys for me! It's all ties and cases that are brief and saying bye to the honeys, I'm off to work!"

"Interesting what gets lost in translation," Pein commented from and nearby tree branch.

"ACK!" The black market dealer practically jumped out of his skin upon hearing the Akatsuki leader's voice. As it stood, the sound of Pein speaking distracted him long enough for the male to trip over a tree root, sending paint cans and himself flying forward to noisily crash through the ground. "I am almost missing the devil blond right now. At least you know when he's coming."

"I'm going to pretend I never heard that," Pein muttered as he leapt down from his spot to help Rostov to his feet. In a matter of moments, the duo had collected the paint and continued on the way to camp. "Now, all that's left to do is paint the van-"

"That wasn't part of the deal!" Rostov cried in alarm.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You're in a position to argue?"

"…"

"That's what I thought. Now come on; we have work to do. And then, you need to get into costume." Pein had to resist smiling as the black market salesman began to whimper.

-one hour later-

Officer Laughlin was bored out of his mind. He'd been standing here n the hot sun all day, checking cars one by one for any signs of a group of ragtag teenagers who had nothing better to do than kidnap some upper class brat. He'd give his right arm for something, anything to break the monotony of this day.

The answer came in the form of a large, grey van that wouldn't stop honking. The driver was a middle-aged man with a scraggly beard and mustache, who appeared to be yelling at the cars in front of him in some foreign gibberish. Frowning, Officer Laughlin abandoned his post and walked back to the car, determined to investigate the matter. "Sir, is there a problem-"

"My wife is having a baby!" Confirming the man's statement was a woman writhing in the passenger seat, wrapped from head to toe in thick robes that obscured everything but the pain written on her face. She let out a blood-curdling shriek of agony and bent forward, fingers curling around her huge belly. "We need to get to the hospital now!"

The officer paled from overwhelming anxiety, but kept his cool. "Sir, we'll be pleased to let your vehicle through after a brief inspection."

"Oh god, I can feel the head!" Konan screamed.

"Quickly, get me some towels and hot water!" Rostov begged.

"You can't have the baby here! This is a public park! There are children present!"

"There's about to be another one if you don't shut up and DO SOMETHING!" the disguised teenager howled in faux suffering.

Officer Laughlin hesitated for the briefest of moments before stepping back and motioning for the van to go around the other vehicles. Once it had passed him, he quickly radioed the other officers and alerted them of the situation. Sharing similar bouts of panic, the policemen were quick to form an emergency escape route and do everything in their power to help the pregnant woman to a medical facility. By the time the hospital figured out that no pregnant woman was rushing to them, the Akatsuki were long gone.


	7. Chapter 6

"Geez Konan, are you pretending to have a kid or a baby elephant?" Kisame snickered from the back seat of the van.

"Shut up," the woman in question snapped as she yanked off her costume and tossed it into the backseat. The group had pulled over after exiting the park to let Pein switch back to the driver's seat, much to Rostov's immense relief. Driving in a foreign country without a valid driver's license (or any form of ID, for that matter), did not sit well with the black market dealer. "At least it got us out of there."

"That was way too close," Pein muttered as he started up the engine. It was unsettling for the leader to realize how near an arrest had been for them. The Akatsuki had been in trouble numerous times before, but nothing that could be so damaging to the group as this incident.

The ginger glanced in his rearview mirror to look at Sasori and Deidara. The two had been glued to one another for the entire ride out of the park, faces calm and expressionless even as their knuckles turned white from gripping each other's hand. The duo had been split before, after Deidara's impromptu breakup and fleeing to boarding school. From what Sasori had told him, the two had been going through a rough patch in their relationship caused primarily by lack of communication, and being artists they had to confront their problems in the most dramatic of ways. But now their relationship was finally stabilized, and the bomber and puppeteer were closer than ever. Tearing them apart at this point would probably feel like a part of their very soul was being ripped out.

His eyes wandered over to the other members of the group. Kisame and Itachi were bickering about who knows what, Itachi still simmering over the shark's thoughtless comments in the forest and Kisame taking a defensive stance against any of the Uchiha's accusations. Still, even through the fighting you could see the depths of their relationship; the two could read each other's body language perfectly, were capable of completely blocking out the others as they remained engrossed in their own little world, and Kisame was even humoring Itachi and responding to what Tobi had affectionately dubbed to be, "weasel speak" (shortly thereafter, Tobi decided that he would **never** refer to it as such in front of Itachi ever again. Ever).

Speaking of the other Uchiha…Pein smirked as he saw what appeared to be Tobi squeezing the life out of Zetsu in a choke hold/hug. Even if he didn't care for the boy's rambunctious attitude, the ginger was undoubtedly grateful for Tobi's presence. His relationship with Zetsu had brought a strange sort of peace over the schizo, doing what years of therapy and medication never seemed to achieve. Zetsu was able to function better in day to day activities, and it had been months since either Pein or Konan had been called in to a classroom in order to coax Zetsu back into a calm state-

He shook his head. Those memories were thoughts for another day. Right now, he was just going to think about how a kid whose ADHD wouldn't be affected by a whole bottle of Ritalin succeeded in keeping his best friend from flying off the handle at the drop of a hat.

And while he was on the subject of polar opposites, there were Hidan and Kakuzu. He still couldn't figure out what in blazes drew those two together; it was like mixing oil and water, if the oil were a sullen Ebenezer Scrooge and the water had the language skills of a Pacific Rim sailor. If Pein had to venture a guess, he'd say it was probably the zealot's persistent nature that brought them together. Kakuzu tended to keep people at arm's length, but Hidan had kept pushing and pushing his way closer until he'd finally wormed his way into the banker's heart. In exchange for that, the masochist was rewarded with an insanely devoted and protective boyfriend (if the scars on Kakuzu's body were any proof).

Seeing them together like this, each member of Akatsuki clinging to their partner in some way, Pein felt a strange tightening in his chest. These teens were more than his friends; as stated only a few months before, they were his family. As a leader, it was his solemn duty to protect them from harm and do whatever it took to keep them safe and happy. Had it not been for a sudden epiphany in the forest about how to escape the grounds without a search, they would be sitting in some holding cell in an unknown police station as they awaited a fate that would at least split up Sasori and Deidara, if not the rest as well.

Konan was surprised when Pein's hand suddenly slipped into hers and gave it a brief squeeze. Their escape was nothing short of a miracle that was unlikely to be repeated in the future, and Pein felt guilty for putting them in that sort of situation. He'd be sure to keep the Akatsuki moving next time to avoid drawing attention to the group, hopefully managing to not make the same mistakes again.

Konan squeezing his hand back managed to lessen the grim expression written on his countenance. The two juniors had been together since they could walk, and their incredibly close relationship was a testament to that. Being a leader was a heavy burden, but his second-in-command would be right by his side for every step of the way to help ease his worries. Just like she'd always been.

It was moments like these that made Pein's train of thought stop dead in its tracks as a voice whispered in his mind, _"It's times like these that I really and truly love this woman."_

"Excusing me, Mr. Pein? I can be going free now, yes?"

Aaaaaaaand moment over.

"Well, it has been several miles, and I suppose you wouldn't try to double cross us and turn us over to law enforcement the first chance you get, right?" the leader inquired.

"Of course not! Mr. Deidara will be vouching for me not liking the pigs, yes Mr. Deidara?"

"…"

"Mr. Deidara, why is you looking at me like that? Mr. Deidara?!"

-Somewhere along the interstate, at approximately 70 mph (or 112.65408 kph)—

"AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

SPLAT

-n-

"Deidara, was that really necessary?"

"No, but it was fun, un."

"Zetsu, is the scary man gonna die?"

"He's fine. The worst for him is definitely over."

"Tch, be more worried about us, dumbass," Hidan growled over his map.

"What's the verdict?" Sasori asked, voice and face never betraying the emotions that were swirling beneath the surface.

"We're making damn good time. A few more days like this and we'll be there."

Deidara let out a barely audible sigh and leaned his head against Sasori's shoulder. That was the first bit of good news they'd heard in a long while. As the blond felt his danna's arm move to wrap around his waist, Deidara prayed it wouldn't be the last.

-meanwhile, approximately 20 furloughs down the road (which is a bit under one league or approximately 794.88 rods) -

Anna groaned as she rolled over in her bed. Her head felt like someone had cracked it open like an egg and whisked her brains around until she didn't know which way was up. Wait, since when was she lying down? And why was her bed moving? And who was playing a horrible rendition of Strawberry Fields Forever in C Flat?

Using her fifth degree stage manager martial arts skills, the sandy blonde reached under her pillow and hurled what might have been a snow globe at whomever it was that was playing. There was an audible "Eep!" and the sound of glass shattering against the wall as she fumbled around the bedside table for her glasses, before finally putting them on and opening her eyes.

Jude was cowering on the end of the bed, clutching a familiar acoustic guitar in front of him as though it were a makeshift shield. His boss was radiating an aura that promised pain and death to whomever was foolish enough to make a wrong move. "M'lady?" he finally squeaked out.

"Where the hell are we, why the hell am I in bed, what the hell are you doing here, and most importantly, where the bloody hell is Lennon?!"

The male thespian was on the verge of wetting himself in terror. "The troupe believed your consent lay in the pursuit of my fair maiden, and verily we set forth in the hunt. Alas, you, our mighty and fearless leader could not lead the charge, for you succumbed to a vile and wretched fit, the arrow of fate piercing you like Achilles on the fields on glorious and horrific battle! As to my presence, you need only inquire to Lennon for your answers."

"Where is he?!" Anna hissed out, a visible cloud of doom and despair now hanging over her head.

"He's with Prudence up front, navigating," a new voice chimed in.

For the first time, Anna noticed that Maria was also in the room. Currently, the raven-haired girl was slouching in a beanbag, twirling a curled lock of hair around her fingers as she flipped through what appeared to be another one of Prudence's independent pieces. "You'd figure he'd be back by now, considering it's been almost four months since you passed out."

"WHAT?!"

"Calm thyself!" Jude begged as he shoved the theatre troupe's boss back down to the mattress. The doctor had warned the actors not to let their leader engage in stressful activities or any vigorous movements too soon, and one of the few things that outweighed the thespians fear of Anna was their concern for their well-being. She may be an overbearing tyrant at times, but damnit, she was their overbearing tyrant. "It's not even been a day and night since the fits overtook ye!"

"Then why did-oh god, Maria, not this again."

"I'm telling you, Anna, it was almost three and a half months ago that your vein popped and the doc put you on bed rest."

"And I'm telling _you_, Maria, that this is not some alternate universe, we are not characters in some poorly-written storyline, and you are not the keeper of the fourth wall."

"The audience does not appreciate your attitude, boss lady." Anna would have made a retort that probably involved threats of pay deduction or kitchen duty, but at that moment the bus swerved widely to the right, and Anna's skull made contact with the wall. "Ow!"

"What horrors have been wrought now?" Jude wailed.

"I believe it's called plot development," Maria put in.

"Remind me to kill you two after I finish with Lennon," Anna grumbled as she curled up underneath her blankets. The whisk was back to do unpleasant things to her brain again, and sleep sounded great right now. "Trusting him to read a map; he can't even finish Hop on Pop!"

"For what it's worth, Lennon's the one who asked Jude to play for you, after his fingers were rubbed raw," Maria stated. "He said it was your favorite song."

"Fine. I will make sure that when I kill him, his death is quick and painless. Now kindly find out what the hell happened before I get up and do it myself." The others rushed to the front of the bus, both to prevent a murderous rampage from their leader and to find out what had caused Prudence, a notoriously cautious driver, to lose control.

-meanwhile, approximately 3 nautical miles north, which is roughly the equivalent of four hypotenuses of a hectare that's been divided into two congruent triangles, or rather 1529.440869 spans -

"Zabuza, you shouldn't drink slurpies. They'll rot your teeth and ruin your complexion. Not to mention your body converts sugar water straight into fat."

The hired gun sighed into his bright blue beverage. He was really beginning to regret getting that brat a subscription to Cosmo last Christmas. Particularly after Haku had read an article about new sex tips and innocently asked him what rimming was. He'd barely been able to come out of his shock in time to stop the kid from looking up images online. Zabuza was a merciless killer that couldn't care less about others, to be sure, but wasn't quite sure he could handle his charge being scarred for life. It might interfere with jobs and such.

"I ate an apple at lunch. What more do you want?"

Haku withheld the urge to remark that said apple had only been choked down after a generous coating of caramel and nacho cheese had been applied, instead taking another bite out of his turkey and lettuce sandwich and scrolling down the page currently opened on his laptop. "Hmm…"

"You have something?"

"Possibly. My research shows that there appears to be some sort of Jashinist colony a bit to the northwest of here-"

"That Hidan kid's a Jashinist, isn't he?"

"Correct. It's possible that they're seeking refuge at this location, until they've formulated a better plan."

Zabuza's hand left the steering wheel long enough to ruffle his partner's hair in an almost affectionate matter, making the younger male smile. Zabuza would never vocally give praise to the dark-haired male for his assistance in their assignments (in fact, on more than one occasion Zabuza had referred to Haku's work as the boy merely paying his rent to the elder male), but a ruffling of hair was the closest thing to thanks the boy got. It meant the world to Haku, and the look on the younger killer's face afterwards melted part of Zabuza's heart.

Now that his work was done, Haku was quick to fish out a weathered copy of Cosmo from under the seat, and within seconds became engrossed in one of its articles. Zabuza felt odd at times like these; seeing Haku reading those trashy magazines or asking to listen to a certain radio station reminded the man that his partner was a teenager at heart, for all the strength and maturity that radiated from the boy. There was a ten year gap in their ages, but you'd never guess it just from talking with Haku. It was almost humanizing, seeing the feminine child like this.

His trail of thought was broken when Haku's lips formed a tight line, a look of confusion taking over his face. "Haku?"

With a naïve look on his face, Haku turned to look at the elder man. "Zabuza, what's a backwards cowboy?"

Zabuza made a mental note to "accidentally" lose the next few editions of Cosmo, and then let the subscription expire.


	8. Chapter 7

For the hundredth time a very short while, Rostov questioned what had made him decide that setting out for this strange and terrifying country was the best way to take care of his family. He'd spent most of his time here involved in low-paying jobs that could barely make his ends meet, never mind help his family. He'd then gotten into a legally ambiguous line of work, which had resulted in a higher paycheck that definitely didn't make up for the risks and enemies the man had earned. Enemies like Deidara, who'd exploited, kidnapped, and finally dumped Rostov onto a highway, making the black market dealer fly across pavement before finally coming to a halt in the middle of the road, where a bus had nearly mowed him down. And now…

"Hello hello."

Rostov blinked his eyes open. And now he was being stared at by the strangest looking man he'd ever seen. "Erm, hello? Or is it goodbye?" He could never seem to remember the appropriate English responses.

The brunette quirked a brow. "I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello."

"Yes yes, I was knowing this." Rostov attempted to sit up at this point, but found that movement was still very difficult. Hitting asphalt at 70 miles per hour tends to do that to people and their spinal structures. "Excuse me, sir? Could you please be getting an ambulance for me? I think I've ruptured something."

"Big bro, what'd we hit?" Rostov turned his head slightly, until a sharp pain in his neck restricted any further movement.

Out of the corner of his eye, the foreigner was able to make out a petite blonde female with streaks of red dyed in her hair. She was dressed in an ungodly huge pair of overalls that were covered in oil stains, and her hair was held back by a red and white checkered bandana. She had the same blue eyes as the strange man who was standing beside her, but lacked the brown hair and glasses the male sported. Still, he could tell the two were siblings. "Oh crap, I hit a guy!" she screamed.

"Prudence-"

"This is awful! Oh crap, I'm gonna get arrested, and then they'll throw me in jail for murder, and everyone's gonna think I'm racist because I ran over a foreigner, and I'm gonna be a prison bitch-"

"Dear Prudence-" Lennon tried again.

"I can't go to prison, Lennon!" By now the girl was frantically pacing. "Crap crap crap, this is baaaad! Anna's gonna kill me for this!"

"Prudence!" At the harsh shout from her brother, the blonde stopped her rant and looked to the male, eyes wide and silently inquiring as to what had brought about his anger. Lennon took a deep, cleansing breath before continuing. He could tell his sister was distressed and needed him to be calm now. Contrary to what Anna thought, Lennon could actually be a responsible, caring adult when the need arose. Why else would he play Strawberry Fields Forever until his leader was resting peacefully? "Open your eyes," he commanded, hand motioning gently to the male lying on the ground.

"To what? My horrendous crime?"

"Erm, miss? I am not being dead. And you was not hitting me with large bee hickle."

"Huh?"

"He means vehicle," another voice interjected.

Rostov looked away from Prudence to see two newcomers; one, a black-haired female wearing a pleated skirt and blazer, the other a brunette male, hair slightly darker than Lennon's, who looked as though he'd escaped from a Renaissance fair. "Ho ho, fellows! Pray, what audacities and atrocities have assaulted our Audi?" the new man asked.

Prudence frowned at the alliteration. "First off, this double-decker is an AEC Routemaster, circa 1960, RCL class, with a 6 cylinder AEC AV590 engine and 4-speed semi-automatic transmission that puts out 86 kWs of power. It is not some German p.o.s. that I'm pretty sure our bus could use as a hood ornament. Second, I dunno. I thought he was dead up until this point."

"He's still needed for the plot," the girl interjected. "We can't kill anyone yet, since we're only in the rising action."

Rostov was beyond confused now. First the blonde thought he was dead, then the poofy shirted man came and started speaking some funny language that couldn't possibly be English, then it was back blonde girl, who was now spouting some nonsense that sounded like war codes, and the other girl sounded like she needed him for a sacrifice of sorts. This was a bit much. "Erm, excuse me, man with glasses and bandaged fingers?"

"Hello."

"Yes, hello. Erm, who are they? Specifically that one," he inquired, pointed directly at Jude. He seemed to be the only sane one out of the newcomers, even if he talked funny.

"The man in the crowd with the multicolored mirrors on his hobnail boots?"

"Yes, I-wait, what mirrors? What are you talking about?"

Lennon smiled and shrugged. "Half of what I say is meaningless."

At this, Rostov finally gave up and succumbed to the darkness.

-n-

"Hey Jude."

The thespian looked to his friend, who was kneeling down beside the person whom Prudence had nearly run over. The trench coat-wearing man appeared to have passed out, either from shock or whatever had given him those scrapes and bruises all over his body. "Woe, our aide arrived too late! The darkness has already descended over his eyes. Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio-"

"Ok, stop right there, we definitely do not have time for a monologue."

"Plus the author hates them." Maria added.

"Martha my dear-"

"For the last time, Lennon, I go by Maria!"

"Ahem, fellows? What's to be done?" Jude queried, bringing their attention back to Rostov.

This question caused the thespians to pause for thought. "We can't just leave him out here," Prudence decided. "It'll give us bad karma, and we already got enough of that from doing "Mussolini Mouse's Clubhouse" last fall."

Lennon nodded in agreement. "Nothing to do. Save his life, call his wife."

"Fine words from finer fellows, to be sure, but what is required? Methinks the wretched wounds must be bound, post haste!"

"There's a first aid kit under my seat," Prudence stated. "Think we can get him up there to fix him?"

"Why don't we do it in the road?"

"Traffic, Lennon. Traffic." Honestly, Prudence loved her big brother to death, but sometimes she could see why Anna snapped and went off on him. "C'mon, I'll get his legs if you guys can grab his arms." In only a matter of moments, the foreigner was being carried inside by two thespians and their faithful mechanic.

Maria, meanwhile, chose to remain outside. Her brows furrowed slightly as she frowned, glaring down the road and into the unknown. "I don't know what you're planning, evil author, but I swear I will figure it out."

-meanwhile, roughly 160 chains NNW, or 10599.662 survey feet -

Haku delicately sipped his latte while looking over the map in his lap. Zabuza had pulled over so the two of them could stretch their legs and refuel the Jeep, before continuing on their quest. At the moment, Zabuza was inside the broken-down station, attempting to pay the cashier since the card reader at the pump was out of order, whilst Haku remained in the vehicle, attempting to plot out the quickest route for the duo to take. _"Let's see…if we got off the interstate and took the back roads, we could probably make better time…but there's no telling when those roads were last worked on…"_

"Watch what you're doing!" a voice shouted out.

"I've got it, damnit!"

Haku looked up from his map and let out a shriek when he saw what appeared to be a topless minivan barreling straight towards the Jeep. There was no way for him to get out of the way in time, so all the teen could do was buckle his seatbelt and pray for the best.

At the last minute, the driver yanked the steering wheel to the side and forced the vehicle to spin around 180 degrees, coming to rest right between the Jeep and another gas pump.

As Haku tried to remember how to breathe, a young-looking woman with tanned skin and black, stringy hair leapt out of the van and rushed up to him, worry written all over her face. "Oh sweetie, are you ok?!"

"I-I'm fine," Haku stuttered out. The woman seemed less than convinced (who could blame her?), so the effeminate youth offered her a sweet smile. "Really, you two just surprised me, that's all."

At the mention of the other person, the woman seemed to remember the driver of the van and spun around on her heels, facing him. Quickly storming across the grease-stained pavement, she stopped in front of him and smacked his cheek so hard that the sound of it made Haku wince. "Hakushi, what the hell were you thinking?!"

Silver eyes glared up at the female. "That we were making shit time because someone had to fix their damn hair about seven billion times before we were finally allowed to leave the base!"

"Bitch, please! You're just jealous that all the aerosol pumped into the air from my hairspray is more pleasing to Lord Jashin than your reckless driving!" The bickering couple now had Haku's attention. Could they be from the Jashinist camp? Still keeping an eye on the duo, Haku reached down and blindly felt around for Zabuza's cigarettes.

"-and you want to know something else, Amaifuyu?! That skirt makes your ass look huge!"

The dark-haired Jashinist gasped and stared in horror at the blue-haired male, who was grinning widely after his cruel remark. "Yeah, that's right bitch, I went there!"

"Well excuse me for being a fucking cross-dresser who can't find any clothes that breathe down there!" At this point in time Amaifuyu broke down crying, doubled over as sobs escaped the hands clasped over his face.

"Jashin damnit." Hakushi quickly stepped out of the car and walked around to the transvestite. Immediately his arms wrapped themselves around the other's waist, holding him with practiced ease. "Shh, don't cry babe, I didn't mean that," he murmured softly while clutching Amaifuyu and rocking him against his chest.

The smaller Jashinist sniffled and looked up at Hakushi, eyes wide with hope. "You mean that?"

Hakushi smiled at his lover. "Of course, Amai."

WHAM

"Then don't ever say that again, dumbass," Amaifuyu hissed out, glaring down at the male who was currently doubled over in agony.

"Excuse me."

Both Jashinists turned to look at Haku, who was staring at the two with frightened eyes. "Oh, don't mind him, sweetie," Amaifuyu reassured. "He's used to getting his ass kicked by me whenever he pulls this shit."

"No, it's not that. I just…please, I need your help."

"What kind of help?" Hakushi wheezed out.

"There's a man inside the station-"

"You want us to kill him?" Amaifuyu questioned. "Well normally we don't do favors for free, but since the dumbass over here nearly mowed you down-"

"No, nothing like that!" Haku's eyes were wide and scared, darting nervously from the station's door to the Jashinists and back again. "Please, I'm being held hostage by the man in there. I need to get away from him; he's done such terrible things."

"Like what?"

"Theft, murder, arson, the list goes on and on!"

"Well, we wouldn't want to separate you from such a good influence…"

Realizing that he was losing them fast, Haku decided to pull the one card guaranteed to draw their attention. "And if I have to hear one more lecture on how the Goddess wants us to live in peace and harmony-"

"WHAT?!"

"What sort of blasphemy are they filling kids' heads with nowadays?" Amaifuyu muttered while shaking his head in disappointment.

"Please, you have to hurry! Just let me come with you, and I'll do anything!"

This caught the duo's attention. "Anything?" Hakushi repeated.

"Yes, just take me away from him, please!"

The Jashinists looked to each other for a brief moment, before Amaifuyu nodded his head. "All right kid, it's a deal. Just hop in the back of the van, and we'll take off."

"But I wanted a slurpie, damnit!"

"Jashin damn your slurpies, this kid is in desperate need of reeducation!" Haku was barely aware of what was happening as Amaifuyu lifted him out of his seat and all but through the effeminate teen into the back of the vehicle. "Now Haku, how much do you know about Jashin?"

-n-

Zabuza exited the gas station just in time to see Haku disappear down the road in a van with two unknown persons. "Shit," he growled out.

The assassin all but ran to the driver's side of the vehicle, knowing that if he didn't chase after the men now, he could lose sight of them forever. However, his pursuit was temporarily halted by a strange sight that met him in the Jeep.

There, a stark contrast to the black seats, was a message written in white cigarettes. There were no directions, no warnings, nothing but two words: JASHIN CAMP

Pushing aside his worry, Zabuza grinned. So, the kid had learned something over the years.

Taking a thoughtful sip from his slurpie, the bounty hunter started up the car's engine and drove off in the direction of the van. He still couldn't be sure whether Haku had left against his will or not, but at least now, he knew where to go.

- meanwhile, 12,800 perches due East, or 38,610.039 bu's -

"Ok Kisame, it's your turn, un!"

"Um…" the shark scratched his head, thinking, before snapping his fingers in a brief epiphany. "All right! Never have I ever…"

"Yeah?" Deidara pressed.

"Kissed a chick."

Everyone looked around to the other members, waiting to see what would happen. The group was currently pulled over by the side of the road, sitting on what appeared to be an old billboard that had collapsed some time before any of them were born. Konan had broken out some sodas for the group, and Hidan, being bored and obnoxious as usual, had suggested that they play, "Never Have I Ever," while Pein stretched his legs.

Speaking of the leader, Pein was now grumbling and taking a sip of his Coke. "I swear, you people are ganging up on me-"

"Whoa, Sasori, when did that happen?" Hidan cackled madly, watching the blushing redhead take a nervous sip.

"Hidan, shut up."

"C'mon, tell us! First girlfriend? Some forbidden mistletoe lip-locking? Shit, I could go on and on."

"Please don't."

"Shut the hell up, Kakuzu."

"Danna?"

Sasori sighed, realizing that there was no way out of this without an embarrassing confession. "It was fifth grade, Valentine's day. There was this girl in homeroom-"

"Oooh!"

SMACK

"Ow! What the hell was that for, dumbass?!" Hidan demanded, rubbing the back of his bruised head and glaring up at his boyfriend.

"Anyway, we were eating our candy, and I noticed she had some of those Hershey kiss things. I asked her for one of her chocolate kisses, and, well…something got lost in the request, I guess."

By now, most of the Akatsuki members were doubled over with laughter, snickering to themselves (or, in Hidan's case, rolling around guffawing). "You guys are the best friends I could ever ask for," Sasori mumbled in a sarcastic tone.

"Aw, lighten up danna, un!" Deidara ordered. The blond had been the first to recover and currently had his arms wrapped around Sasori in an awkward side hug, attempting to cheer up the Akasuna with affection. "It's just funny because you're always so serious and in control of things, un."

"And you have that mistake to thank for it," the redhead stated, cheeks almost as red as his hair.

Konan wiped tears of mirth from her eyes and motioned for the others to calm down. "Ok, last one before we go. Pein?"

The leader paused, looking around at the teens around him and trying to think up a question that was sure to embarrass at least one of them. Suddenly, a thought hit him, making the ginger frown and look away. "Looks like he's got one," Kisame commented.

"Never have I…no, it's stupid."

"Worse than Itachi's, 'never have I ever gone to school without underpants on?'" Kisame inquired, glancing to his boyfriend. The weasel allowed a brief smile to adorn his face, but as soon as he looked to Kisame, it disappeared. The shark sighed. Looks like they were still fighting.

"No…well, it's just something that seems stupid, now that I've thought about it."

"Just tell us," Kakuzu requested.

"Yeah, spill it," Zetsu demanded.

"Tobi wants to hear!" the hyperactive Uchiha chimed in.

"All right, all right! If it'll shut you people up." Pein sighed and picked up his drink, choosing to look at the soda can instead of his friends. "Never have I ever…regretted joining the Akatsuki."

An uncomfortable silence made its way around the group. Pein closed his eyes, silently cursing his stupidity. He shouldn't have asked that question; especially not now, given the current circumstances. Things had been going so well this afternoon, and he was positive that Hidan's little game had made them forget their troubles looming just around the corner in the real world. Now that was ruined. "See, I told you it was stupid."

"Tobi doesn't regret joining the Akatsuki."

Everyone's attention snapped to the Uchiha. "You mean that?" Konan asked.

Tobi's hand gently clenched and unclenched itself into a fist for a few moments as the teen gathered his thoughts. Slowly, the teen's hand made its way up Tobi's body to his face, before grabbing the mask and removing it.

The other members were surprised, to say the least. No one except for Zetsu and Itachi had ever seen the younger Uchiha without his mask, and didn't know what to say at the boy's sudden willingness to drop his defenses. Now that the mask was gone, the teens could see half-lidded chocolate brown eyes and a bitten lip, as the younger male was clearly deep in concentration, wanting to pick his words carefully. "No, Tobi doesn't regret it. We've done a bunch of stupid things, and Tobi knows that we haven't been very good in the past. That's probably why this is coming to bite us so hard now."

"But, even if things do go really badly for us in the future (here Deidara's hold on Sasori tightened) Tobi won't regret it. Because the Akatsuki gave Tobi friends that look out for each other. We fight and complain, and sometimes really hate each other, but at the end of the day, we're still family." At this point, a huge grin broke out on his face as he turned to Zetsu. "And without Akatsuki, Tobi never would have met Zetsu! And a world where Tobi never found Zetsu sounds like a really lousy place." Zetsu couldn't say anything in reply; he was too busy fighting down the lump that had formed in his throat.

The grin stayed on Tobi's face as he looked to the other members. "So no, Tobi doesn't regret joining Akatsuki. Because even if things go bad, we stick together. And being with you guys in hard times is better than being without in good times."

By now, everyone was staring at Tobi, completely dumbfounded. "Damn, Tobi," Hidan finally got out. "That was pretty damn…um…"

"Profound?" Itachi suggested.

"Yeah! I mean, damn kid, have you always been able to talk like that?!"

Tobi blushed and quickly replaced his mask, before attempting to burrow into Zetsu's side in an effort to hide himself. "Tobi's just answering Pein's questions like a good boy."

"Well I'm with Tobi, un," Deidara proudly declared. "I don't regret it either."

"Neither do I," Sasori added.

Similar cries were heard from the rest of the group, making Pein smile. "Glad to hear it," he admitted, before taking a sip of Coke.

"Hey, what the hell man?!" Hidan demanded.

"What? I regret it?"

"You do?" Kakuzu asked.

"Oh yes. At least twenty times a day, every day. If I had an Advil pill for every time I regretted forming the Akatsuki, I could open my own pharmacy." The other members looked crestfallen, and Pein knew he couldn't keep this up for much longer. "However, somehow, whenever I see you people or hang around for a bit, that regret seems to evaporate." Pein took a moment to savor the reactions of his peons as the meaning of his words sank in.

"You asshole!" Hidan shouted, tackling a laughing Pein to the ground. "I thought you were fucking serious!"

"Hidan, play nice with Sir Leader," Kakuzu commanded, although he made no attempt to stop the wrestling now going on, even when Deidara and Zetsu decided to join in.

And as the teens fought or took bets on the sidelines, Konan grinned and shook her head. She could worry about the future later. Right now, she was just going to enjoy the present.


	9. Chapter 8

((AN: credit for Easternia goes to fizzaddict))

-several days later -

"Now repeat the rules."

All the Akatsuki members, save for Hidan, let out a great sigh at the Jashinist's order. "Hidan, we've been over this a dozen times already," Kisame groaned in exasperation.

"Then you won't have any problems the thirteenth time, will ya, dumbass?"

Realizing that there was no arguing with a zealot once he started teaching his religion, the others resigned themselves to their fate and began reciting the ground rules Hidan had given them. "No talking about other deities unless in a derogatory manner. No questioning the will or teachings of Jashin. No sympathizing with squirrels. Foul language is not mandatory but preferred. Only cause organized chaos."

"What does that last one even mean, un?" Deidara inquired thoughtfully. "Isn't that an oxymoron?"

"Rule number two, bitch!" Hidan screamed while hurling a rather large book at Deidara's head.

"Ouch! That really hurt, un!"

"Good. Maybe next time you'll remember the rules better."

"Between your psycho-ness and this god-awful skirt, I'm about to just turn myself in to the police, un," Deidara growled out while rubbing a large knot that was now forming on his head.

"We've come too far for that now," Pein countered. "Now, let's go over the plan again. Hidan was put in charge of converting us by his parents, that much is the truth. From there he tried to convert us, but to no avail. Finally exhausting all known means of bringing us over to the loony side, he decided a pilgrimage to the Jashinist Reeducation Camp for Heathens was the only solution. And here we are."

"Are Jashinists seriously going to buy that?" Konan inquired, somewhat doubtful of her boyfriend's plans.

"Hn."

"…Kisa-"

"He says obviously Jashinists aren't the brightest bulbs in the hardware store. And really Itachi, fighting with you is making it hella difficult-"

"Hey, wait a Jashin-damned minute!"

"Case in point," Sasori murmured softly to Deidara.

- meanwhile, a good 24640 cubits southwest, which is to say 560 chains-

"And lo, the evil chocolate bunny Easternia enslaved the elves to mine for his eggs. For many years the poor elves were forced to do his bidding, praying for salvation from their torment. Mighty Jashin-sama heard their prayers, and lo, he came in all his glory and smote the evil Easternia. When the fierce rabbit was slain, it's chocolate blood ran like the rivers, and lo, the elves did drink from it, praising Jashin-sama." Amaifuyu grinned at the backseat towards Haku, who'd grown considerably paler as the tale went on. "And that, my dear, is the true story of Easter."

"H-how nice," Haku managed to get out with a sickly smile pasted to his lips.

Hakushi snorted at the reply. "Tch, at least it's a better story than what those Jashin-damned radicals are spewing, what with their love and forgiveness and zombie Jesus…" he waved his hands dismissively. "Kids these days. You know, back in the days where Jashinism reigned supreme, we never had to worry about all these damnable modern-day problems like over-population."

"I'll bet," Haku muttered to himself.

"Now then, continuing with the lesson! Many a year ago, from the Great Abyss of Yule, there arose a mighty prophet of Lord Jashin, who rained down terror and destruction all across the lands. And his name was Santa Claws…"

- meanwhile, backtracking the same distance previously stated -

"There it is!" Hidan excitedly cried out as a large, looming mass began to appear on the horizon. "We finally made it!" He began cheering and bouncing up and down in his seat, acting more like a kid in a toy store than a teenager going to a cult headquarters. Everyone quickly shoved their way towards the front of the vehicle, eager to get a glimpse of the fast approaching compound.

"…That's it?" Kakuzu asked in mild disbelief.

"The hell do you mean, 'that's it'?!" Hidan demanded.

"It looks like a regular old concrete building with a wall around it," Sasori elaborated.

"Duh, dumbass. What the hell were you expecting?" Guesses included such ideas as, "the fires of hell," "pillars of brimstone covered by smoke," and, "a wall made of the skins of your enemies."

Hidan sighed and began rubbing his temples. "May Jashin have mercy on you heathen idiots."

-n-

It took the group another hour to actually reach the compound. Upon closer inspection, the Akatsuki could see that the protective walls surrounding the actual camp were made of solid grey concrete, with no decoration whatsoever on the exterior to give away the building's true purpose. Surprisingly to all (save for Hidan, who was taking this all in stride), the gates of the facility were left partially open, creating a ten-foot wide crack to allow entryway into the compound. "Never give the impression Jashin would turn away a willing soul, dumbasses," was all the explanation Hidan gave.

Nervously Pein drove the van into the gates and shut off the engine, waiting for something to happen. The interior of the compound was completely deserted, save for a few patches of dead grass that at one point in time had been able to survive on the harsh desert ground. Looking around, Pein could see the one large, white building they'd spotted so many miles off was actually the centerpiece of the JRCH, with smaller wooden buildings that looked like army barracks surrounding it. Overall, it looked like this area could house several hundred people at one time, maybe even up to a thousand.

The Akatsuki leader frowned. If that was the case, where was everyone?

BAM

Deidara and Tobi let out twin shrieks of surprise when something collided with the roof of their van, making the metal cave in a foot or so and form a slight crater. The van shook slightly, as though whatever had crashed was redistributing its weight, and suddenly there was another thump as whatever had been on the roof flipped onto the hood of the car.

It was a male standing on his hands, that much was obvious rather quickly. His skin appeared to be completely encased in a robe of some sorts, save for his bare hands and a single, coal-black eye. Spiky hair a slightly darker silver than Hidan's jutted out at all angles, making the man look rather comical. The Akatsuki members began to wonder if they'd been attacked by a wandering circus performer.

"Salutations," the stranger greeted in a voice all-too-cheery for someone who's just crash-landed on the roof of someone's vehicle. "Won't you step out and say hello?"

Pein, deciding that as the leader, it was his duty to die first in the even things went horribly wrong (as they are so prone to do when Jashinists are close at hand), cautiously stepped out of the vehicle and approached the Jashinist, albeit leaving his door open in the event that a hasty retreat became necessary. He waited for the sliver-haired male to say something, but after several terse seconds of silence, it became apparent that their host wouldn't speak until the guest spoke first. "I'm Pein," the leader finally settled on. "Care to explain why crash landing on the roof of my car was the chosen method to say hello?"

The other man sighed, cheery demeanor falling away just a bit. "Well I was aiming for the windshield, but it looks like my aim was a little off." He shrugged his shoulders and raised his hands in a gesture of surrender, as though acknowledging that his failure couldn't be helped. "Just as well. Glass is such a pain to clean out of hair."

"Tell me about it," Hidan grumbled from behind his leader.

His sudden appearance startled both men, and Pein swore the little Jashinist took a good few years off his life. "Hidan, what are you doing out here?!"

"Leave this to me, Pein in the ass," Hidan commanded with an air of authority not previously seen in the zealot.

Pein was a bit concerned about allowing Hidan to speak with the stranger (letting the younger teen open his mouth tended to start fights or riots, oftentimes both), but on the other hand, two Jashinists would probably communicate better than one Jashinist and a 'heathen'. The ginger just had to hope Hidan could keep it together long enough to secure their safety.

The native to the camp looked Hidan over briefly, eyes finally coming to rest on the rosary dangling from the younger male's neck. "You bear the mark of our lord, I see."

"My name's Hidan Neko, and I come with friends from the Konoha sect." Pein's eyes widened ever so slightly. The zealot hadn't sworn at all, and his tone sounded borderline formal. So, even he could see the precarious position they were in.

"Kakashi Hatake, of the JRCH sect, at your service." A slight bow was made, but the mischief playing about in Kakashi's eyes indicated the man was anything but subservient. "Now that the formalities are out of the way, care to explain what the hell you're doing so far away from your territory?"

"My family ordered me to covert these heathen bastards (here Hidan jerked his thumb back towards the van) but wouldn't ya know, it's fucking impossible for one guy to do. So, I decided to bring them here and see what the hell you guys could do for help."

The elder male glowered at Hidan. "You've brought Jashin knows how many people onto our base, with no warning so that we could gather enough supplies to feed and care for their Jashin-damned hides, have no fucking idea how long they're going to be staying with us, and no doubt expect a reward for bringing these heathens into the light of Lord Jashin's grace."

"Well what do you know, you're not half as stupid as that jackass haircut makes you look."

Aaaand there went Pein's suspicions about Hidan's insight into their current position.

To the leader's immense surprise, though, Kakashi's look of pure pain and malice suddenly gave way to a grin again. "The rumors we hear about your greatness hardly do you justice, Hidan. You'll make a fine priest one day."

"Priest?" Pein inquired.

"Long story, later," Hidan muttered.

"I shall see to it that things are taken care of-"

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

The trio's heads jerked to the side at the sound of the high-pitched cry. Their eyes met with the sight of a pink-haired girl, squealing like a stuck pig and jumping up and down in place. She recovered a moment later and dashed inside one of the barracks. Shortly thereafter, more screams were heard.

"Oh my," Kakashi murmured.

"The hell was that?" Pein demanded.

"You see, Hidan is something of a celebrity amongst the trainees, and…well, you'll see. Bye!" and with that, Kakashi dashed off to a nearby ladder leaning against the wall, rushed up to the top of the barricade, and quickly retracted the climbing apparatus.

"What did he mean…by…" Hidan's question was cut short by the feeling of the earth shaking beneath their feet, accompanied by what sounded like a stampede of wild beasts.

Pein realized what was coming before Hidan and quickly dove back into the van, shutting and locking the door behind him. "Everybody, get in the back and take cover!" he ordered shortly before following his own instructions.

By now, Hidan had realized he was being left at the mercy (or lack thereof) of whatever was racing towards the Akatsuki, and began pounding frantically on the side door of the van in a last-ditch attempt at sanctuary. "Let me in, damnit! I'm too young to die! There's so many heathens I haven't harassed! You Jashin-damned assholes, I swear I will kill you in your sleep with a cheese grater and a bottle of Febreze, you sons of-GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

-n-

On the inside of the van, the members listened with growing horror and regret for Hidan as a sound not unlike a thousand harpies descending on their prey resounded through the air, followed by gurgled speech and occasional swear from Hidan. "Pein, what the hell were you thinking?!" Kakuzu demanded. "It sounds like he's being ripped apart!"

"I should have known," the leader murmured with a sad shake of his head. "How could I have been so stupid…I should have known that _they'd_ be here."

"Who's they, un?"

"Hn."

"…"

"What?! Don't look at me! If Itachi here wants to stay mad at me, he can speak English like the rest of us! I'm done translating until further notice."

Itachi glared at Kisame with pure anger (and, perhaps, was that a bit of hurt?), before deigning to answer Deidara's question. "They are creatures not quite human, not quite beast. They are born on the most unholy of nights, crafted by the dark lord himself to spread ruin and destruction throughout the land. They know or care little for anything other than what they've been taught to follow, and will not rest until their prize is claimed."

A deadly silence fell over the group, until Konan gulped and opened her mouth to speak, eyes wide and face ghostly white from fear. "You mean they're…?"

Itachi nodded gravely. "Fangirls."

-n-

"Nn…no, mama, please don't be giving me more yak milk…"

"Hey, boss lady, he's finally coming to!"

"About damn time."

Rostov blearily blinked his eyes open and began looking around at his surroundings. Where was he? And why was he tied to a chair in the middle of what looked like a clothes' closet gone horribly flamboyant, which felt like it was…moving? The last thing he remembered was being thrown out of the Akatsuki's van, and then being assaulted by some very strange people in a bus, and then…darkness. "Excusing me, but where am I?" the foreigner finally asked.

He shrieked in a most undignified manner as a sandy-blonde female with incredibly oversized glasses popped up out of nowhere and grabbed him by his collar, shaking the male mercilessly. "Out with it, damn you!"

"Out with what?!"

"The Akatsuki! Where are they going? Who's the black-haired chick? Are the others likely to join our theatre troupe?!"

"What the hell is you talking about?!" Rostov wailed. "Please, I is not knowing any Akatsuki! I am just businessman trying to provide for my five brothers and four sisters and six nieces and seven nephews-"

"LIAR!" Anna shrieked. "We heard you talking to some people in your sleep that sounded suspiciously like the folks we're trying to track now." The troupe leader calmed down, taking a deep breath and mentally willing her blood pressure down. It wouldn't do to burst another blood vessel now; her doctor was already threatening to put the girl on extended bed rest. "Listen, you. You kept talking about a black-haired person named Itachi, some Pein person, and the blond demon Deidara, whatever the hell that means. My chief actor Maria was kind enough to do a brief search online, and wouldn't you know, some of the pictures that popped up with those names happened to match Jude's description of our wayward fair maiden."

"Look, please, I know those people, but-"

"Then talk!" Anna demanded.

"Anna, your blood pressure," Prudence cautioned.

The leader sighed and began rubbing her temples in a frustrated manner. She almost wished Lennon was back here. Those songs of his were incredibly annoying, but usually distracted Anna from her rage long enough to regain her composure. "Listen, you-"

"Rostov."

"Rostov, we're in a bit of a hurry to get our hands on a member of that Akatsuki group you seem to know about. Just answer our questions, and we'll let you go. Now, we know they headed out this direction several days ago." She leaned in close to Rostov's face, eyes practically boring through his skull. "Where are they going?"

The black market dealer knew he had exactly two choices right now. On one hand, he could keep his mouth shut and incur the wrath of this psycho blonde, which could be lethal. On the other hand, he could spill his guts, escape with his life, and endure the wrath of another, even more psycho blond by the name of Deidara at an unspecified time and date, which would **definitely**be lethal.

Rostov was beginning to think the devil had a thing for blonds doing his bidding.

"Well?"

"No. I is sorry, but I is wishing to be left in one piece."

Anna's eyes narrowed. "We'll see about that." The woman stood straight and held her arm out in the direction of Prudence. "Get me the tape."

Rostov felt his blood run cold as Prudence kneeled down and began rummaging through a box. What was going to happen to him? Was tape slang for some sort of new torture weapon? Was this really the end? "Excusing me, may I say a few prayers before I is dying?"

"This is a non-denominational bus," Anna warned. "Keep it short."

And as Rostov shut his eyes and began saying his farewells to this oh so cruel world, he heard the sound of Anna shuffling closer and closer, a muffled ripping noise (of what, he couldn't place), and finally, a thin pressure applied to his arms. And then…nothing.

Amazing and somewhat wary that he was still alive, Rostov cracked his eyes open and was shocked to see a six-inch strip of tape on his forearm. Was this some sort of joke?

Apparently not, if the look on Anna's face was any indication at the gravity of the situation. "Last chance."

"Never."

RIIIIIIP

"AIIIIIIEEEEEE!" Rostov howled as tears brimmed the corner of his eyes. Anna stood by emotionally in front of him, holding up the strip of tape that was now sporting a fine layer of Rostov's arm hair. "We can do this all night, Rostov."

"Please, demon woman, have mercy!"

At this plea, Anna smirked with an all too sadistic light in her eyes. "Let me tell you something, buddy. I'm responsible for over a dozen actors in this troupe, which involves keeping them clothed, bathed, and fed 24/7, 365 days a year. My right-hand woman is convinced we're living in some fictional world created by an all powerful evil author and weeps for the fourth wall every time I mention it. My best actor can't stop quoting Shakespeare, my closest friend is a 16-year-old that knows more about this bus than the god-damned pope knows about the Bible, and her brother, my sound technician, does nothing but write hippie love songs and piss me off on an hourly basis. I've got anger issues, enough ulcers to make an alcoholic proud, and 100 yards of duct tape. Mercy is not in my vocabulary."


	10. Chapter 9

It was another hour before Kakashi dared to descend from his perch and rescue the poor Akatsuki members from their hideout in the van. Once he'd manage to convince the traumatized teens that he was not a fangirl intent on ripping them limb from limb, the silver-haired man was able to coax the youths out of the van and into the open air. "Not too shabby, un," Deidara commented while stretching his arms above his head. Cowering in fear for extended periods of time produced some of the worst muscle cramps one could imagine, and all the Akatsuki members were feeling the effect.

"Well now that we've sacrificed Hidan to your fangirls (and I'm pretty sure there's irony in that, somehow), would you mind telling us where we can stay?" Pein all but demanded as he regained the feeling in his legs.

"Of course," Kakashi replied in a manner far too happy for Pein's liking, considering he'd just seen another Jashinist get mauled by a horde of insane females. Then again, perhaps seeing a fellow zealot get dragged off to certain doom was normal in the Jashinist world.

The ginger was yanked out of his musings when Kakashi began introducing himself to the other Akatsuki members; or more specifically, the sight of Kakashi bowing to Konan and kissing the back of her hand. With far more self-restraint than most people would give him credit for, Pein resisted the urge to backhand the silver-haired male into next week and walked up to the two, merely clearing his throat as he stepped between the duo and shot Kakashi a look that quite clearly threatened castration. "I'm assuming you have time to show us to wherever it is we'll be staying?"

"There's no need to be so damn hasty; surely you'd like a tour of the camp first?" And although he was facing Pein, the silver-haired man's eyes never left Konan. Clearly it would take more than subtle hints to get this one to back down.

"That sounds lovely," the woman admitted with a gentle smile, leaning around Pein to answer Kakashi. "No point in wandering around aimlessly if we can help it."

Even hidden beneath his mask, one could see Kakashi's smile widen at Konan's acceptance. "Excellent. We'll start with the main building and work our wait out from there." Bowing slightly, the male motioned to the central compound behind him. "After you, miss Konan." The woman blushed ever so slightly and began walking in the direction Kakashi had indicated, while the Jashinist strode beside her in a rather friendly manner. Pein followed close behind them, radiating an aura that promised death and all his friends on Kakashi if the local didn't watch his step. It wasn't too long before the others fell in step behind their leader.

"Hey, Zetsu," Kakuzu whispered to the other teen.

"Yeah?"

"Five bucks says Pein kills that poor bastard in his sleep."

**"Make it ten and you're on."**

-n-

Aside from occasional flirting from Kakashi, which very nearly prompted Pein to commit a rather heinous and gruesome murder in one of the few locations in the world that probably looked on such actions as a good thing, the tour was rather calm and straightforward. There was a mess tent for meals, two dozen cabins to house the zealots, a larger, more permanent building to house their instructors, an armory, a reeducation facility ("the pride of our facility," as Kakashi put it), a public area that served as a recreation ground, a general store, and a mini-golf course. Their tour was very nearly at an end, and it was at this point in time that Kakashi led them into the large, white fortress that stood as the JRCH's centerpiece. "And here we have the temple," he introduced while pushing open the door to the building.

The best way to describe the Akatsuki's reaction was surprised by the sheer normalcy of the interior. There was a central aisle about ten feet wide that divided the room in two, with two rows of pews twenty benches deep on each side. The front of the holy building contained a plain stone altar with an open fire burning in the front of it, and five elongated poles standing behind it. Although electric lights could clearly be seen dangling from the ceiling, for some reason the temple was lit by several hundred candles held aloft by half a dozen chandeliers. All in all, the place looked more like a medieval church than a breeding ground for the unholy nightmares known as Jashinists. Well, minus the wall paintings that seemed to be a picture book on Torture 101. "Well?" Kakashi asked.

"It's…nice," Konan settled on while staring at what appeared to be a depiction of a man using another person's intestines for a jump rope.

"I was actually expecting more fire and brimstone," Sasori admitted, while the others murmured soft agreements in the background.

Kakashi sighed and muttered something about ignorant heathens. "Jashinists operate on organized chaos, not mindless destruction."

"Could've fooled me," Deidara muttered. His eyes soon focused on the poles behind the altar, which appeared to be arranged in roughly the shape of a pentagon. "Hey, I get that the altar and fire are for sacrifices, but what's with the poles, un?"

"Those are used for various ceremonies," Kakashi explained. "Initiating new priests, sacrificing others, even…marriage," he added as he gave Deidara a pointed look. The blond eyes widened as a fierce blush covered his face, but before he could make a retort the masked man's attention was back on Konan. "If you'd like, I could give you ladies an extended tour later tonight."

"Why that little-" Pein had to be restrained by Kakuzu and Kisame from committing what was sure to be a heinous and bloody murder. Sasori, for his part, wasn't exactly opposed to the idea of Kakashi getting what was coming to him after the not so subtle flirtations sent towards Deidara, and thus stood quietly on the sidelines.

Konan soon noticed her boyfriend struggling against their friends, and it didn't take much for her to put two and two together. Time to get them out of here, and fast. "Kakashi, I'm much too tired from our trip to hear much more today. Could you please show us where we'll be staying?" she asked softly while gently batting her eyes.

The prime example of manliness, Kakashi was immediately reduced to a blubbering puddle of mush at the sight. "Right this way," he beckoned in a far-off voice. Soon enough he was stumbling out of the church with Konan on his heels, while the lone female in the group prayed to every deity in existence that Pein wouldn't blow their cover by acting out one of the murders displayed on the nearby walls.

"Thank god for Konan," Kakuzu muttered as he and Kisame released the enraged ginger.

"Damn skirt-chaser," Pein hissed with enough malice to sour milk.

-n-

"Your group couldn't have arrived at a better time, actually."

"Oh? And why is that?"

Kakashi smiled slightly at the woman. "Because another pilgrim has recently arrived here."

"Really now," Konan pushed with fake interest. The group was being led to the newcomer's cabin, which was located on the backside of the temple, with each room built to comfortably accommodate four pilgrims at a time, each getting a twin bed. She could practically feel Pein's dislike for Kakashi radiating through the group, and past experience had taught her that if someone was encroaching on her personal space when Pein was close at hand, it was a good idea to separate him from the encroacher as soon as possible. "Think we could meet them?"

"Oi, the pervert's back!" a loud voice called from the cabin ahead of the group.

A sort of annoyed look came across Kakashi's face at the call, as though something that smelled incredibly foul had just crawled under his nose and decided to sit there for a time. "It appears you'll be getting that chance quite soon in the near future."

Konan resisted the urge to press matters further until they were inside the cabin. There, the Akatsuki came upon three new faces; one was a tall man with vibrant blue hair, the second a woman with skin tanned a deep brown from hours in the sun, and finally a pale boy/girl with long and silky black hair that could easily rival Itachi's. The pale kid was sitting quietly on the bed, and had apparently been in conversation with the other two standing nearby before the Akatsuki's entrance had interrupted things. "Hakushi, Amaifuyu. What a pleasure to see you again," Kakashi greeted, although his tone indicated that pleasure hadn't been the word he wanted to use.

"Kakashi!" Hakushi called out with obvious delight. He sounded like the person who'd addressed Kakashi as a pervert earlier, and if he noticed the other Jashinist's dislike of his presence, he chose to complete ignore it. "How've you been?!" he demanded while wrapping the silver-haired man in a bear hug.

"Hakushi, you might want to put him down," Amaifuyu cautioned with a concerned look. "Our friend seems to be having problems breathing." Amaifuyu's attention was suddenly pulled away from her asphyxiating friend and fell to the Akatsuki. "Whoa, how the hell did you get this many pilgrims?! Oh for Jashin's sake, put him down right now, dumbass!"

Kakashi took a few moments to gasp for oxygen and massage his crushed sides. "Sorry man," Hakushi sheepishly apologized.

"It's fine," the other Jashinist spat out. "I'm sure the cracked ribs and crushed spleen will no doubt please Jashin."

"Ok, we're all square then."

"And much as I would like to take credit for this impressive catch, Hidan's the one who-"

"HIDAN?!" Hakushi practically screeched. "The Hidan Neko?!"

"Yes, you lumbering-"

The entire group was thrown off-balance when Hakushi let out a shriek not unlike the fangirls' earlier war cries and began leaping up and down in a circle. "He's here he's here he's here! Oh my Jashin, my autograph book!" With that epiphany driving him, the man bolted out of the room, his only farewell a cry of, "See ya later dumbasses!"

"Sometimes I wonder who's the dumbass around here," Kakashi growled.

"Forgive him," Amaifuyu begged. At least this Jashinist had the decency to blush and look embarrassed at Hakushi's actions. "He's somewhat of a fan of Hidan's work."

"His work?" Kakuzu repeated.

"You know, converting, subverting, diverting-"

"We get it," Sasori interjected.

Amaifuyu stopped the description and instead began to give the newcomers a brief once-over. "Not too damn shabby. I take it I'm helping you settle in?"

"Actually, I was planning on-"

"**Leave now,**" Pein hissed with such malice one could practically feel a dark cloud of death and misery descend over the group.

Kakashi obviously wasn't happy to leave the group in the hands of someone other than himself, but decided that this was a battle best fought at a later time and date. He bade the group farewell, kissed the back of Konan's hand once more, and took off like a shot. "Why that son of a-" the rest of Pein's rant was lost as Kisame, Sasori, and Kakuzu worked to restrain the man, although even the miser had to admit the language coming from Pein's mouth was more colorful than a jumbo box of crayons and could give Hidan a run for his money.

Meanwhile, Amaifuyu was watching from the sidelines with Itachi and Deidara, a curious look on her face. "Is he often like this?" the Jashinist inquired as Pein attempted to flip over Kisame while simultaneously snapping Kakuzu's wrist.

"Only when Konan's involved, un. We don't know the specifics, but he's kind of protective."

The Jashinist frowned. "What a shame. He'd be a damn good convert if he could just channel that violence properly." Opinion given, the dark-haired local refocused on Itachi and Deidara. "Anyway, let me just be the first to say that I'm hella glad to have a few more drag queens around here!"

"…?!"

"You can tell, un?!"

"Oh dears, I'm sorry!" Amaifuyu exclaimed, distress clearly showing on her tan face. "You two must be new to this whole cross-dressing thing, aren't you?"

"Erm, yeah, actually. But most people don't figure it out that fast, un. How did you…?"

"Tch, duh! I'm a transvestite too!"

Both Akatsuki members stood there in complete shock, until finally Itachi managed to choke out a "Hn?"

"Aw, for a couple of heathen bastards, you two are sweet!" Amaifuyu chuckled. "I've had years of practice, so I'm pretty good at hiding it. Here's a hint though," she added, dropping her voice low as though she were about to share some dark secret with the duo. "Start wearing chokers. They're hella great for hiding your Adam's apples. Also, you need to try more flow-y skirts. Gives the illusion you've got a small waist and hides the Jashin-damn extra parts, if you get my drift."

"Thank you," Itachi responded in somewhat of a daze.

"No problem! And hang around Hakushi if you can. He's really good about not mixing up pronouns and doesn't blink twice if you go in the girls' room. Not like that damn asswipe Kakashi," she growled out.

Clearly there was some sort of animosity between the pair, but before the issue could be pressed, the boy-girl on the bed cleared their throat. "Excuse me? Miss Amai?"

"Huh? Oh yeah!" Amaifuyu raised her fingers to her lips and let out such a loud whistle that Itachi and Deidara were forced to cover their ears. Once the rest of the Akatsuki was focused on the Jashinist, Amaifuyu yanked the teen off the bed by their arm and shoved them towards the group. "Everyone, meet Haku! Haku, meet everyone!"

Haku looked like a deer caught in the headlights; of all the ways of getting acquainted with the members of Akatsuki, this definitely wasn't the route he'd taken. He hadn't had time to plan out what he was going to say, how he was going to gain their trust, or even how he could convince them to separate into ones or twos so that he and Zabuza could take them down. What was he supposed to do now?

Like an angel sent from on high, Tobi leapt forward and grabbed Haku's hand, rapidly pumping it up and down in greeting. "Hi Haku! My name is Tobi! When did you get here? Tobi and the others just got here but we've been trying to get here for forever and we were about to give up and start hitchhiking back home (at least that's what Zetsu said, but Tobi thinks he might have been kidding) and now that we're here it's nice to know we're not the only new ones-"

"Tobi, hush," Zetsu ordered from the back of the group. He was watching Haku from a safe distance, and frowned as he continued his observations. Something about this boy rubbed him the wrong way, and both halves of him agreed this teen couldn't be trusted as easily as those idiot Jashinists. There was a calm and calculating look in his eyes that definitely didn't match up with a thirteen or fourteen-year-old's demeanor, and he only appeared slightly surprised by Tobi's actions before regaining his composure. Something was not right with Haku.

"Sorry Zetsu," Tobi apologized as he released the younger male.

"It's all right," Haku replied in breathy voice that was barely more than a whisper. A light smile adorned his face, and even Zetsu couldn't tell whether it was fake or not. "You just startled me, that's all."

"Right right, now that that's out of the way, room assignments!" Amaifuyu hummed to herself as she looked the group over, trying to decide who should room with such a look of concentration it was as though the fate of the world depended on her decision. "Let's see…ok, big blue guy can go with emo tranny, and you two will be with scar face over there. Then blond tranny and fire crotch can stay with other fire crotch and the lady…so that leaves ADHD and two-face with Haku!"

The Akatsuki stared in complete shock at Amaifuyu, who was smiling widely at his own personal achievement. "Why did…how did…" Pein shook his head, realizing that he probably didn't want to know the reasoning behind the nicknames bestowed on them by the Jashinist, or why Haku was allowed to keep his name. "You left out Hidan."

"Oh yeah!" Amaifuyu snapped her fingers. "Shit, knew I was forgetting someone! Although he might be dead by now, if the fangirls got hold of him-"

WHAM

Amaifuyu's musings were abruptly cut short by Hidan bursting in to the room, and then slamming and bolting the door shut behind him. His hair was a mess and short and patchy in several spots, what few clothes remained on his body had been ripped to shreds, and he was covered in a fine layer of what appeared to be lip-gloss. "Dear Jashin," he gasped out, sinking down against the door and muttering what could only be prayers of thanksgiving for his escape.

"So, you're Hidan. Wow, you look like crap."

"Well excuse me!" Hidan snapped as a look of pure rage crossed his face. "I just got mauled by thousands of rabid bitches who apparently worship the Jashin-damned ground I walk on and had to flee for my fucking life! Next time that happens, I'll make sure I'm presentable before seeing you!"

"Touchy too," Amaifuyu murmured with a tone of amusement. "Anyway, you missed the room assignment, so suck it up and deal if you don't like being stuck with scar face et all."

By this point, Hidan had noticed the others were in the room, and suddenly became very aware of his disheveled appearance. "Kuzu!" he wailed before glomping the banker. "Everyone here is fucking crazy!"

"Welcome to my world," Pein muttered with the barest hint of sympathy in his voice.


	11. Chapter 10

By the time Rostov cracked, the poor foreigner had been given all but a bikini wax, and the Shakespeare Revival Movement was down several dozen feet of duct tape. "So, they're definitely heading to this Jashinist cult place?" Anna questioned after tossing the duct tape back into the abyss known as the SRM's prop closet.

"Yes, for the final time, that is what the loud-mouth kept saying!" Rostov groaned, his fear by now having given way (at least partially), to annoyance at having to repeat himself to the thespian's leader.

"Excellent." Anna looked over her shoulder to Maria and Prudence, who were standing nearby and awaiting her command. "Maria, look up the directions and get them to Prudence. Once you've got them, Prudence, relieve Jude of driving and get us there ASAP! Meanwhile Maria, I want you to research this place as best you can and then brief the actors on everything you deem pertinent to our operation. That clear?"

"Erm, excusing me, but I can be going now, yes?" Rostov asked from his seat on the chair. "Or at least getting my pants back?" The room he'd been trapped in was rather cold, and having his leg hair ripped off did little to help trap his body heat.

"Huh? Oh yeah, you. Well you can have the pants back, but letting you go is out of the question. In fact, if you didn't have such skinny chicken legs with knobby little knees, I'd probably keep your pants too."

"What?!" Rostov screeched.

"It's nothing personal," Anna assured him. "It's just that people we take hostage and torture tend to run off to the police the first chance they get, and the budget says we can't afford another lawsuit for at least the next decade or five. And no offense or anything, but I don't think we can take your word that you'll keep your mouth shut if we let you go."

"But you said I could go free if I was answering the questions!"

"Yeah, about that. That was kind of a lie. Actually, it was completely and totally a lie."

"But-but-but-"

"Maria, would you mind finding a bunk for Rostov before you debrief the others?"

"Roger that, boss lady." After Anna had walked off, the dark-haired girl returned her attention to the laptop screen and began searching for Prudence's directions. "Looks like the author isn't quite ready to write you out yet, Rostov."

"I knew I should have listened to mama," the black marketer wailed in defeat.

-meanwhile, approximately seven clicks away, or rather 19,842,519.68503 agates-

**"So, oh wise and mighty Sir Leader, now that we've gotten to this asylum for psycho zealots, what are we supposed to do?"**

Pein gave Zetsu a pointed look that made the elder teen wither in his seat. It had only taken the Akatsuki an hour to settle in, and once everyone was at least partially unpacked (and in Hidan's case, properly bandaged), the ginger called a meeting of the Akatsuki in his room. "First, I would just like to say that Hidan should be congratulated on his idea to hide out here for the time being."

"Hip hip hoo-fucking-ray," Hidan sarcastically replied as he clawed at his arms. The zealot had taken no less than a dozen showers during his time at the facility, but still claimed to feel the sticky lip-gloss kisses of the fangirls on his skin.

"That being said, our next moves need to be made very carefully. First, Deidara, you have to get in contact with your parents and get them to call off the investigation."

"How do you know they're going to believe him?" Kisame inquired. "Don't kidnappers usually make their victims tell their family that everything's fine, don't worry, I'll be home soon? Granted, they usually demand money too-"

"Hn."

"Oh go to hell, Itachi!" The group was taken aback as the normally calm and easy-going shark suddenly leapt to his feet, knocking over his chair in the process. Without even sparing a backwards glance at the weasel, Kisame stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. Pein turned to Itachi in hopes of getting an explanation, but the weasel too raced out the door, albeit considerably paler and more tense than Kisame had been. "See, this is why we never get anything done," the leader growled out while rubbing his temples after the door closed a second time. "You people seem to thrive off drama."

"Back to the meeting," Konan interjected before the conversation could go any further. The teens had no idea how much free time they'd be given once they were actually enrolled in the Jashinist program, and needed to make the most of whatever time they had at the moment. Whatever private issues Itachi and Kisame were experiencing now would have to take a backseat to more pressing matters. "Pein, what's the second step?"

The leader frowned. "This is actually going to be the more difficult part of the scheme. Once Deidara's contacted his parents and at least gotten this mess partway sorted out, we're going to need to flee the camp before the police can get here, and therein lies the problem."

"What the heck are you talking about, un?" Deidara asked. "It's not like we have to crawl through air vents or anything! The gate was wide open when we came here."

"Yes, but something tells me that getting into this camp is about a hundred times easier than getting out, particularly for us."

"Why us?" Sasori inquired. "It's not like Hidan swore our allegiance to Jashin or anything."

"Hidan is precisely the problem. Or can you tell me a good way to let several hundred fangirls know that their idol has to go away immediately after only being here a few days, never to return?"

Pein made a good point. Ideas were tossed around from member to member, but without Itachi's input (and with the memory of Kisame and Itachi's fight still fresh in everyone's mind), the group eventually had no choice but to accept the fact that if they wanted out of the JRCH, they were probably going to have to sneak out under the cover of nightfall, and the sooner they could leave, the less likely it would be that the fangirls could get any more attached to their silver-haired idol. "We still need a place to go after we leave," Sasori noted after the decision had been finalized.

"My family used to have a summer home a little further north than here," Zetsu offered. "It's not much, but we're not in a position to be picky, so what the hell."

"Geez Hidan, I swear you and your religion cause more problems for us than everything else combined," Kakuzu lamented.

Hidan's reply shall not be dictated here, but by this point in time you probably have pretty good idea of what was said.

-n-

Itachi ran down the hallway after the quickly retreating figure of Kisame. In hindsight he never should have said that to the shark, but their arguments over the past few days had worn his tolerance down to nothing. "Kisame, wait!"

"Stay away from me, Itachi," Kisame called out without looking back on his partner. The shark really didn't care how much of a bastard he was acting like at the moment, he needed space from his boyfriend, **now**.

Itachi, however, was not going to let Kisame escape from him until he'd at least had the chance to apologize for what he'd said, and rushed to catch up to Kisame.

WHAM

The Uchiha stumbled backwards, hands clutched over his bleeding nose as stars danced across his vision. He'd been so obsessed with reaching Kisame that he'd neglected to observe his surroundings, and had run straight into a Jashinist who was just rounding the corner. A Jashinist who now sat on the floor before him, rubbing her forehead with a pained look on her face.

As Itachi's vision began to clear up, the weasel noted that he was looking at a young girl, probably no older than Haku, if that. Wild red hair hung down past her shoulders (though in several places it was shorter, with singed tips) and her pale as porcelain skin was a haunting contrast to her vibrant blue eyes, which were some shade between sky blue and cerulean. Those blue eyes were currently glaring up at Itachi from her place on the floor, more agitated than angry, fortunately. "What the hell did I do to you?!"

"Sorry, it was an accident," Itachi apologized.

"Tch, well most people are careful enough to look around corners so they don't run over little girls like me! Watch it next time."

"Hn," Itachi replied as he moved to walk around the Jashinist.

"Don't tell me to get out of your way! _You're_ the one who got in _my_ way, asshole!"

"You can understand that?" Itachi asked, unable to keep the amazement out of his voice.

The redhead rolled her eyes and climbed to her feet, focused more on brushing the dirt from her camisole and knee-high skirt than on Itachi. "Don't act like it's such a big deal, jerkface. Anyone could've figured out what you meant. And it kinda helps that my best friend talks in 'hn's like that sometimes. Which reminds me, you better make yourself scarce, and fast. She's got this creepy little internal radar that always seems to know when I'm in trouble, and if she finds out that you're the one who did this (here she pointed at the large knot forming on her right temple) you're going to get your ass handed to you in about seven different ways. Run now, and I'll lie and tell her I ran into a wall. Again," she added under her breath.

Itachi didn't have time to explain to the redhead that 1) it was unlikely anyone could have beaten Itachi in a fight right then, given his current mood, and 2) she better shut up and beat it unless _she_ wanted to be the one on the receiving end of a sound pounding, when the person whom Itachi could only assume was the Jashinist's friend came bursting around the corner.

The female must have run all the way here, because as soon as she reached the duo she stopped and doubled over, pale fingers digging into the fabric of her black capris as she gasped for breath. "Boom, what happened?!" she demanded, golden eyes wide and partially hidden by the navy blue hair dangling down into her face. "It felt like something was wrong-"

"Told you," Boom muttered smugly to Itachi.

"-and I got here as fast as I could!" The newcomer was now looking over her friend with a worried look, eyes quickly focusing on the rapidly darkening knot on her forehead. "Did you run into another wall?"

"What-no! I was minding my own business and walking down the hall, when suddenly Mr. Emo here decides plowing me over is a good idea!" Boom exclaimed while jabbing a finger at Itachi. "Next thing I know, I'm on the floor and my head hurts like a bitch!"

Golden eyes narrowed at the story. "Really now." Slowly, the girl's attention shifted from Boom to Itachi. "All right, you've got three seconds…to…" her voice trailed off as she looked to Itachi, the expression on her countenance changing from anger to confusion, and finally recognition.

Both Boom and Itachi started as the dark-haired Jashinist squealed in happiness, a huge smile crossing her face. "Uncle Itchy!"

"Tenshi?!" Itachi gasped in disbelief before being unceremoniously tackled to the ground.

-meanwhile-

Haku had decided that if the Akatsuki members were going to be foolish enough to leave their belongings unguarded while conducting a meeting, then it would be a travesty for him not to take advantage of the situation and see what weaknesses he could discover in his enemies by observing their supplies. The teen had little information to go on other than newspaper clippings and the scarce amount of data their client had seen fit to give Zabuza and him before this assignment. What he'd been able to piece together so far was that he was dealing with a highly dangerous organization who didn't mind blurring the lines of the law when the situation suited them, operated cohesively as a unit, plotted out their movements very carefully and probably far in advance, and was a threat to much larger and more established syndicates. Clearly Haku had landed himself right in the midst of hardened criminals whose cunning and resourcefulness was matched only by their lethalness and ability to survive any event unscathed.

At the moment, Haku was rummaging through the bags on Zetsu's side of the room that had yet to be unpacked. He'd already gone through Tobi's items, and aside from the plethora of craft supplies and the four tie-dye socks that were missing their mates, the young teen had been unable to find anything out of the ordinary, and all he could add to their data on Tobi was that the Uchiha was a terrible packer.

Zetsu's supplies had yielded nothing better, as of yet. There were average looking clothes and toiletries, a laptop (Haku had briefly pondered logging on and trying to research the Akatsuki that way, but just as quickly decided against it. Their information described Zetsu as a person who operated and hacked computers with the same ease as breathing, and even if Haku was somehow able to get past Zetsu's security, there was a good chance the older teen had installed some sort of alert system that would let him know the computer had been tampered with), more clothes that seemed to be spare sets for anything Tobi forgot, and-hang on…

Haku felt his heart race as his fingers closed around what felt like a prescription bottle. He glanced at the door to make sure that his hunt wasn't about to be interrupted, and then extracted the container. Sure enough, he found a weathered orange tube clutched in his fingertips, half-full of whitish pills. The male turned the container over in his fingertips in hopes of finding out what the medicine was for, but some sort of greenish material had stained most of the information so badly that he couldn't make out the prescription's name or dosage; even Zetsu's name had been mostly obscured from the label. Side effects appeared to include drowsiness, restlessness, and a few other things that were not legible. What caught Haku's interest, though, was the fact that this prescription wasn't due to be refilled for another month and a half.

Haku bit his lip as something tightened in the pit of his stomach. He knew this was wrong, and what he was about to do counted as playing dirty even by his standards. Yet at the same time this conflict was raging in his head, he knew that Zabuza was counting on him to do his share of the job in bringing down the Akatsuki. Zabuza had always been the one to handle the brunt of their missions' work, and Haku had only been allowed to do field work for them for the last two years. What would Zabuza say if Haku returned to the man after his first major assignment and told him that although he'd found a gaping hole in the armor of one of Akatsuki's top members, he'd failed to utilize it to their advantage?

Haku's heart flipped at the thought, and his fingers tightened around the pill bottle. He wasn't about to let that happen. If it was between hurting the man who'd taken him in off the streets nearly ten years ago and hurting yet another one of their countless targets, he would without a doubt cut the latter to pieces in a heartbeat. Zabuza had nurtured and supported him at a time when no one else would; he owed the man that much. "Sorry Zetsu," he murmured softly as the prescription bottle slipped into his pocket. He quickly replaced all the items in Zetsu's duffle bag and zipped it closed, before rising from his seat and exiting the room. He needed to find a place to hide the pills, if not dispose of them entirely.


	12. Chapter 11

Not even an hour after the meeting had ended, Pein heard the sound of someone pounding on his door with enough force to break it down. The leader sighed and rose from his bed, making sure to mark the page in his book before setting it down. Looks like it was time to partake in whatever training program the Jashinists had in store for the Akatsuki.

Much to his surprise, however, when he opened the door he found not a violent zealot eager to train the newest recruits, but rather his best friend Zetsu. "Zetsu? Since when do you knock?"

"Pein, we need to talk right now," Zetsu whispered urgently. "It's an emergency."

Pein looked over his shoulder at the other members. Deidara and Sasori were buried in a conversation, apparently deciding that if it was just Zetsu at the door they didn't need to immediately fear for their lives or concern themselves with what was going on. Konan, however, was looking directly at the pair, eyes silently asking what they were talking about. Pein waved his hand at her, motioning that it was nothing to worry about without alerting the attention of Sasori and Deidara. Konan shot him a look that clearly said she didn't believe him, but refrained from pressing the issue further for now. If it was really important, her boyfriend would tell her soon enough. With that, Pein stepped outside the room and closed the door after him. "What kind of emergency?"

"My meds are gone," Zetsu choked out.

Pein could have sworn the earth stopped for the briefest second. "What?" he asked, voice quite a bit higher than he would have liked.

"**Gone, vanished, not where they should be!**"

"Are you sure you didn't overlook them-"

"**I went through all of my stuff three times!**" Zetsu screamed. "I flipped everything inside out, I ripped open the lining of my bag, I turned that room upside-down-"

"Calm down Zetsu."

"**Don't you dare tell me to calm down,**" Zetsu hissed. "You have no idea what it's like, how I feel when-"

"Who the hell kept you under control before they worked out your medication?" Pein demanded. "Who visited you every chance he got when you were in the hospital? Who stuck by you when all you wanted was to drop dead? Don't tell me that I don't know what it's like, Zetsu. Konan and I have been with you since the day this started."

"It's wearing off," Zetsu whined as his hands buried themselves in his hair, body doubled over as if in pain. "It'll be completely out of my system in a few days. Pein, you know what I'm like without those pills in me. I can't go back to being like that, I can't."

Pein felt like he wanted to throw up. His friend had always been the confident, cocky one in the trio of himself, Konan, and Zetsu. He remembered what it had been like when the teen had first been diagnosed; how strongly Zetsu had resisted the illness at first, as if willpower would be enough to fight the effects off, only to slip into depression soon afterwards. He'd been withdrawn and miserable, and then there had been the hospital fiasco…no, Pein wasn't going to let that happen again. "Zetsu, how long before you can get a refill?" A whimper was his only answer. "Zetsu," he repeated, pulling Zetsu's hands away from his face and forcing the older teen to look at him, "I need to know when you're due to get the prescription refilled."

"Not for another 6 weeks," he choked out. By now, the schizo was on the brink of tears.

"But you've never needed an early refill," Pein mused thoughtfully.

"So?"

"We're leaving here tonight. I need you to get into your hospital transcript and change the name on your file so they can't trace this back to us. Then, find a local pharmacy and call in explaining the situation. Hopefully we'll get someone that hasn't lost their faith in humanity and believes you, and see about getting the pills as soon as possible."

"Pein-"

"Do it now, while you're still in your right mind."

Wordless thanks was the only expression visible on Zetsu's face now. "What are you going to do?"

Pein took a deep, steadying breath. There was a good chance that Zetsu would hate him forever for what he was about to say, but there was no way around it. "I need to talk to Tobi, and explain what's going on. I think it would help if you were there."

"**No.**"

The leader sighed. "He needs to know about this."

"Why?!"

"He's your boyfriend, for one thing!" Pein snapped. "If he really cares about you, this won't change anything between you two! And you need to stop trying to protect him out of pride or whatever this is. Just because he acts like the world is all sunshine and rainbows doesn't mean he can't handle something like this. He's been through plenty, and I'm sure you know more of those details than I do."

"Exactly why he doesn't need to know!" Zetsu screamed, face turning red from rage. "For the first time in his life everything has been fine, so why drag him into this just because I lost my medicine one time?!"

"You're lying to him."

"And you're acting like you know what's best for me when you can barely take care of yourself! **Or have you just conveniently forgotten all the shit that's happened because of you and your Akatsuki?!**"

"Zetsu-"

"You know what? Tell him. Tell everyone. I don't give a fuck. **Then Tobi, and you, and Konan, and all the others will know I'm a psycho and can tell me what a freak I am to my face and behind my back.** I'm going to try and get my medicine, before I do something smart and kill myself." Pein watched stone-faced as his best friend stormed off down the hall, presumably to get his laptop and alter a few records. The ginger was upset, but smart enough to know that Zetsu wasn't speaking in his right mind. The schizo had said worse things to him in the past, and had apologized for all of them later. Besides, hiding a secret this big from Tobi was the worst thing Zetsu could do right now. If the boy really had any feelings for Zetsu, then he wouldn't let a mental disease come between the two of them. And if he did, well, Zetsu deserved someone better. "Pein?"

The ginger turned around to see Konan staring at him, the door to their room cracked open a few inches. "I heard screaming. What's going on?"

"Konan, please find Tobi and bring him to me. You and I need to go somewhere private and talk to him. And no, it can't wait."

-n-

"Wait, so this guy is your uncle?" Boom asked in complete and total amazement. After Tenshi had dislodged herself from her perch on Itachi's chest, the trio had retreated to the comfort of Boom and Tenshi's shared room. In Itachi's humble opinion, the area was nothing short of a disaster zone; Tenshi's side of the room was messy and completely hidden under a fine layer of books, and everything on Boom's half was either singed, covered in soot, or both. Currently the group was sitting in a triangle on the floor as the two Uchihas were given the chance to catch up for the first time in many years. "Why is he dressed like a she then?" the redhead demanded.

Itachi sighed. "No, I'm her cousin. She only calls me that because she couldn't pronounce Itachi when she was little. And as for the skirt…that's a long story which you really don't want to hear."

"Don't downplay it so much!" Tenshi demanded, slugging Itachi in the arm. "He's my godfather too," she proudly informed Boom.

"Seriously?!" the redhead exclaimed. "But he's only like, two years older than you!"

"Three," Itachi corrected as he rubbed his rapidly-bruising arm. "Our fathers were very close and wanted us to turn out the same way, so I was named Tenshi's godfather shortly after her birth. Though they'd never have done something so stupid if they had known at the time I'd turn out to be a killer."

"You're a murderer?! How'd you do it? Strangling, poisoning, shove 'em off a building? Wait, what'd they do to you? Cheat you out of money? Ooooh, I bet they found out your diabolical secret, and you had no choice but to dispose of them over a bottomless pit! A bottomless lava pit! With sharks! And laser beams!"

Tenshi sighed and shook her head at her friend's wild delusions. "First, Boom, try to keep the crazy to a minimum. Second, you are not a killer Itachi! I told you that those were all accidents; I even showed you that everything that happened to you was statistically possible."

"It was .05% likely to occur."

"That still disproves black magic or some jinx on you was involved," Tenshi argued.

"Hn."

"Fine, we'll change the subject," Tenshi conceded. "How's Madara been?"

"He's here with me, actually, and he goes by Tobi nowadays."

"Seriously?! It's been forever since I've seen him," Tenshi excitedly told him. "Can you take me to see him? It'd be just like a family reunion! Pretty please Uncle Itchy?"

"Hey!"

"Sorry. Can Boom come with us too?"

"Maybe later. I'm looking for someone right now," Itachi admitted.

"Hn?"

"It's complicated."

"Who is it?" Boom eagerly inquired.

Itachi was beginning to think these two girls were far too nosy for their own good. "Just a friend. He's about six and a half feet tall and has blue skin and hair. Have you seen him?"

"Your 'friend'? I bet he's your boyfriend." Boom was somewhat surprised when Itachi's cheeks flushed a bright red, since she'd made the comment in jest, but quickly recovered and began to partake in the one thing that young females are notoriously well known for; merciless teasing. "Ha, I was right! Itachi and blue guy sitting in a tree, F-U-C-"

"Boom, he's my godfather. If you have any respect for the sanctity of our friendship, you will not finish that song."

"…"

"…"

"K-I-N-G."

"Ok, I'm leaving," Itachi stated as he climbed to his feet. There was only so much insanity that he could handle at one time, and although years of living with Tobi, Deidara, and Hidan had caused him to build up quite a tolerance to these sorts of shenanigans, he was at his limit.

"Ignore her," Tenshi pled as she pulled Itachi back down into his seat. "Now then; tell us about this guy." Itachi raised a brow at her, surprised by the girl's curiosity. "Oh don't give me that look," Tenshi ordered. "You and Tobi are the only members of our family I still like, and if you're going out with someone, I have to make sure they're not some kind of jerk who's going to take advantage of you."

Deciding that he wasn't going to get either of the females to back down, the weasel sighed and began to spill his guts. "His name's Kisame. He's kind, and strong, and…hn."

"Hn?"

"Hn."

"Hn?!"

"Hn."

"Awwww!" the two girls cooed in unison. "He sounds like a regular prince!" Boom declared.

Itachi seemed to shrink in on himself at the words. "Yeah…"

"So why were you running down the hall?" Boom pressed. "Was he late for something and you needed to get him?"

"Not exactly. That reminds me, I still need to go find him-"

"Wouldn't recommend that for a few more hours," Tenshi cut in, pulling her cousin back to the floor for the second time in a very short while. "Dinner's about to start, and most of the Jashinists like to wander the halls during mealtime. You'd be lucky to halfway back to your room before someone pounces on you and tries to personally convert you."

"That reminds me; what are you doing here, Tenshi? And why haven't either of you said a single word about Jashin?"

Boom and Tenshi nervously looked to each other for a brief moment, before turning back to Itachi. "Tell you what," Tenshi reasoned. "We'll take you back to your room right now, if you'll let that question drop." Itachi was a bit more eager to resume his search for Kisame than hear whatever sob story Tenshi and Boom may have had, and quickly agreed to the terms.

The trip back to the room was relatively uneventful, and only interrupted a few times when one of the three was unlucky enough to bump into a Jashinist on his way to eat. Unfortunately, one of those Jashinists happened to be a rather familiar womanizer. "Watch where you're going, you-oh, it's you," Kakashi said, voice softening almost immediately upon recognizing Itachi. "On your way to dinner, I presume?"

"Actually," Tenshi cut in, not even attempting to mask her apparent disdain for the man, "we were just taking Itachi back to the guest rooms-"

"Nonsense," Kakashi insisted, waving his hand at the two girls like they were some sort of pests he wanted to shoo away. "You two haven't eaten dinner yet, and I just finished my meal. I'd be quite happy to finish escorting our newest recruit the rest of the way. Or do I need to remind you that some of us are still wondering how that explosion on the 16th hole of the mini-golf course happened, and if you two are found wandering the grounds again…well, people might start talking."

Tenshi shot Kakashi a look that said quite clearly she very much wanted to punch the male in his smugly smiling face, and Boom wasn't doing much else to restrain her anger. Shooting her cousin a warning look, Tenshi grabbed her best friend's hand and spun around to leave, but not before calling out, "Keep your hands off my cousin, pervert."

Once the two girls were well out of sight, Kakashi's attention and lecherous eyes returned to Itachi. "Shall we?" he asked, offering his arm to the Uchiha.

What might have come off as charming or sweet to another person managed to do little more to the weasel than set off numerous warning bells inside his head. Rather than take the offered arm, Itachi began walking forward and as forcefully but politely (never let it be said that the Uchiha family didn't have good manners) as he could, told the other man, "I have a boyfriend, you know. My entire group is taken, for that matter. Kindly stop harassing myself and my friends."

Kakashi raised a brow at the raven-haired male, having already rushed forward to keep pace with him. "Itachi, I'm hurt. If you or the others are offended by anything I've said or done, then I'll gladly apologize to them from the bottom of my heart. Preferably alone, however. Wouldn't want you people to gang up in me in the middle of my apology, after all."

Itachi kept his tongue in check, deciding that even though he had a number of things to say about what he thought Kakashi would do if left alone with anyone, Akatsuki or otherwise, such a remark did not deign a reply.

Feeling the Jashinist's hand wrap itself around his waist, however; well, that definitely deserved some sort of response. "Hand. Off. Now."

"You look uncomfortable, Itachi," Kakashi explained with such nonchalance it was as though he was talking about the weather instead of molesting the weasel. "I'm merely trying to put you at ease." Itachi glared and pried the Jashinist's fingers off his body. Once freed from Kakashi's death grip, the Uchiha curtly informed the other teen that he was quite capable of returning home without the other's help, and immediately took off for his room. Kakashi seemed to concede defeat for this round and turned to walk back the way he'd come.

Itachi stormed into the room and all but dove into the bathroom, completely oblivious to Kisame even after the shark called out to him. Kisame had returned to the room several hours ago and, upon calming down and accepting the fact that he probably overreacted to their argument, immediately began to worry about what had happened to Itachi after the weasel had stopped pursuing him. Itachi's blatant ignoring of his calls soon banished this worry, though, and immediately replaced it with an annoyance at the weasel that was becoming more and more familiar to him.

Itachi, meanwhile, was in the shower attempting to scrub off the top layer of skin on his hip. There was a grand total of one person who was allowed to touch him so intimately, and that person was not Kakashi.


	13. Chapter 12

Tobi was bouncing happily up and down on Sasori's bed. He couldn't believe their luck; the Akatsuki had managed to find a safe place to hide away (at least for the time being), and Deidara was off calling his parents to straighten out this mess with Sasori by his side. For the first time in a long while, it was looking like the Akatsuki was going to be ok. This was why Tobi found it so odd that Pein and Konan, who were sitting across from him on Deidara's bed, looked like they were carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. "You wanted to see Tobi?" the boy asked light-heartedly.

The ginger and blue-haired woman exchanged a look, as if unsure of how to proceed. "Tobi, there's something that we need to tell you about Zetsu," Pein informed him. "It's very important, and very serious."

"What's happened to Zetsu?" Tobi inquired, all traces of joy now gone from his voice. "Did somebody hurt him? Is he sick?"

"In a manner of speaking," Pein answered vaguely.

"But Tobi, before we go any further, we just want to let you know that Zetsu didn't hide this from you to be mean or anything like that," Konan hastily interjected. "He's just very scared right now, and didn't want you to be bogged down in this mess like he is."

"Tell Tobi what's wrong with Zetsu!" the Uchiha all but screamed. His friends failure to answer his question and cryptic warnings were starting to make him panic, and he desperately needed to know whether the person dearest to him was all right or not.

Pein took a deep breath in preparation. Once they launched into the story, there would be no stopping until the end. "Tobi, Zetsu is schizophrenic."

The masked teen let out a relieved sigh. "Tobi knows that, Pein! That's why Zetsu has two voices that argue all the time-"

"No, Tobi, you don't understand," Konan cut in, tone gentle though her face betrayed the stress she was now feeling. "That's not a symptom of schizophrenia. We're not sure why he does that; if Pein or I had to guess, we'd say it's a kind of coping mechanism for him, like he's trying to drown out the other voices by constantly using his own."

"Other voices?" Tobi repeated, now back in the realm of the worried and confused.

"Tobi, around the time we started middle school, something changed in Zetsu," Pen began. "He started getting awful headaches all the time, but he wouldn't tell anybody what was wrong. Then he became more withdrawn from everybody except for Konan and myself, and then he started acting…funny."

"Funny how?" the masked teen asked.

"One day, we were walking home through the park," Konan stated. "We saw this woman sitting on a bench, feeding the birds. He just stopped right in the middle of the path and stared at her, and then all of a sudden, he burst into tears. Pein and I had to drag Zetsu off the path and make him sit down until he stopped crying half an hour later. When we asked him later why he'd done that, he said he didn't know, but he'd been having more and more reactions like that lately to things that he shouldn't laugh or cry about." The origami master paused in her speech to bite her lip, as if trying to hold in tears and distract herself from the pain of her story. "A little later, he told us he was hearing voices inside his head."

"Like the ones that talk to Tobi?" the boy inquired hopefully, as though needing to know the story wasn't going to get any worse.

Pein shook his head, and the Uchiha felt his heart sink down into his shoes. "He said there were a lot of voices in his head that they told him he was worthless, horrible, unloved, and they only ever shut up when he was asleep. Konan and I eventually managed to get him to a doctor to see what was the matter, since we couldn't find any stories of kids our age going through this and the school nurse was stumped. Zetsu explained the symptoms and shortly thereafter checked into the hospital for tests. Eventually, they told us his dopamine levels were extremely abnormal, and diagnosed it as schizophrenia."

"The reason we couldn't find any records was because normally symptoms don't show up until a person turns 19 or 20," Konan hissed out, nails digging into her thighs as tears began falling down her cheeks. "But no, Zetsu turns out to be the 1 in a 100,000 that gets the problems as a child!"

"After that, Zetsu started talking with those two voices," Pein continued, seeing that Konan was in no shape to finish the tale at this point. "Like Konan said earlier, we think it was his way of fighting back." Pein shook his head and chuckled. "You want to know what his reaction was to the diagnosis? He was relieved. Like now that he had a name to put with his condition, it would be easier for him to handle it and fight off the symptoms."

"Was it?" Tobi asked, again hoping that this was the point where things would get better.

Again, he was disheartened when the leader shook his head. "No. The voices wouldn't stop, and he became depressed and withdrawn even more so. Besides that, the doctors were experimenting with his medicine at the time, trying to figure out what combination of pills would work best for him. Sadly, it was a lot of guesswork; most medicines are designed for adults with this problem after all, so trying to find something that can help a teenager without unwanted side effects was nearly impossible. And some of their trials had more catastrophic results than others."

"What kind of results?" the Uchiha whispered, although he was scared to hear the answer.

"He had several mental breakdowns, most of them at school," Pein stated without a hint of emotion in his voice. One of them had to be the strong one right now; it wouldn't do for him to succumb to his emotions like Konan or Tobi. "I was usually able to calm him down by talking, and then we'd call the doctors and get him taken to the hospital. But there was one time where he became unusually violent, and, well…he said a lot of cruel things to me, and then threw me into a wall. I blacked out for a few seconds, but that was enough time for the teacher to deem that Zetsu was a threat to those around him. As much as it hurts me to admit it, she was probably right in calling the authorities to handle the situation. Zetsu wasn't really Zetsu when that happened, and things could have gotten a lot worse if she hadn't intervened right when she did. Still, it didn't make me hate her any less when the police barged into the classroom and dragged Zetsu off to a mental hospital."

"What?!"

"Tobi, don't get upset!" Konan begged. "It was the best thing for him, given the circumstances. He was away from the stress of home and school, and the doctors kept a close watch on him until they got his meds sorted out. I've heard a lot of horror stories about mental hospitals, but this place was a godsend."

"After they released him," Pein continued, "he came to live with us. His parents wanted nothing to do with him after all the problems he'd caused, and Zetsu was more than happy to stay with the two people who'd stood by him through the hardest times in his life. Things have been fine for him, up until now."

"What's changed?" Tobi pressed.

"His medicine has vanished." The masked teen let out a gasp. "Whether he lost it or something else happened is irrelevant right now. What matters is that he's trying to have the prescription refilled, but that's going to take a few days at least. Schizophrenia medicine doesn't stay in a person's body for too long once you stop taking the pills, so there's a good chance that he's going to revert back to being withdrawn, snappish, and emotionally unstable."

"Why didn't Zetsu tell Tobi?" the boy wondered aloud in a subdued tone.

"It's like we said, he wanted to keep you out of this-" Konan began, before Tobi interrupted her.

"That's a lousy reason! Letting Tobi know that Zetsu went through all this wouldn't have changed anything! Tobi could have kept some of the pills with his things in case something like this happened, or made sure Zetsu packed the medicine before we left, or, or-"

"Tobi, Zetsu didn't want to put that pressure on you too," Konan cut in again desperately trying to reason with the volatile Uchiha.

"Tobi can handle it," the boy defiantly informed her. "Tobi may act like he's weak or stupid sometimes, but he's not. Zetsu is Tobi's boyfriend; if he's hurting, than so is Tobi. And Tobi wants to help."

"You have, Tobi, believe me," Konan assured him. For the first time in their conversation, a smile was tugging at her lips. "I don't know how to explain it, but since you came into his life, it's like you're his rock. He's calmer now than he used to be, and even though he's talking with two voices, they're starting to talk to us, instead of at each other." She sniffled and wiped at her eyes. "It's the closest we've been to the old Zetsu since before all this shit started happening," she said, voice cracking halfway through the statement.

"Tobi," Pein interrupted, drawing the male's attention to the ginger. "I need you to listen to me very carefully. Zetsu knows that I'm telling you all this, and he's not happy about it. Right now, he's probably feeling very hurt and scared, and it doesn't help that pretty soon he's going to be hearing those voices again. Please, don't let anything that happens over the next several days affect you too deeply; the person we're dealing with right now isn't Zetsu, it's the schizophrenia." Tobi couldn't refuse the man; Pein's normally strong and confident tone was quiet and weak now, and bordered on begging. Instead, he softly requested to go and see the older teen. Pein and Konan were both a bit leery of granting him the request, but knew that it was going to have to happen sooner or later, so they may as well get it over with now.

When the trio arrived at the door to Zetsu and Tobi's room, Pein took a moment to put his hand on Tobi's shoulder and offer the male a few final words of advice. "He hasn't had any medicine since this morning's dose, so the effects should be starting to show right about now. Don't be too alarmed if his emotions are completely inappropriate to what's going on; that's normal. If you start feeling nervous or uncomfortable about the situation, just let Konan or me know. We've had years of practice dealing with this."

Tobi felt a moment of discomfort in his chest at the words. It hurt him to think that his boyfriend of over a year had been hiding this awful secret from him. It hurt to think that Zetsu had been suffering from a disease he couldn't control for all this time, and that Pein and Konan had been the only ones there to look after him. But most of all, it hurt to think that Pein, knowing how close he and Zetsu were, considered that what Tobi was about to see would be enough to make the Uchiha not want to stay around his own boyfriend. "I'm ready," the masked teen informed his friends with all the strength he could muster up.

As they entered the room, Tobi briefly noted that Haku was missing, but the boy's current whereabouts was definitely not his immediate concern. His attention quickly fell on Zetsu, who was seated at the head of his bed. The teen looked to be unraveling at the seams already; his eyes were wider than usual, and a strange, sick sort of giggle perforated the air. "I changed the records," he told Pein, the giggling getting louder now. "I called the pharmacy. We're lucky; they'll have the meds in two days. Everything's set."

"Tobi wants to talk to you," Pein stated, as though he hadn't heard a word Zetsu told him.

"Tobi? **Why'd you bring him? He's going to laugh at us now.** No he isn't; Tobi would never do that. **He hates us.** He's a good boy. **What the hell do you know?** Shut up."

Pein and Konan both started as the heard Tobi's mask clatter to the floor; by the time they returned their attention to the Uchiha, he was across the room and embracing the schizo, Zetsu's position causing his face to be buried in Tobi's chest. "Zetsu, Tobi is right here," the Uchiha whispered lovingly, burying his bare face in Zetsu's spiky green hair. "Tobi isn't going to go anywhere no matter what Zetsu says or does right now. Zetsu always takes care of Tobi; now Tobi is going to do the same for him."

Konan excused herself from the room as tears freely poured down her cheeks, while Pein stood stoically rooted in place, a lump of emotions rising in his throat. For the first time in his life, he found himself not cursing the higher powers that may be, but rather thanking them for putting someone like Tobi in Zetsu's life.

-meanwhile, in a phone booth not too far away -

"Here's hoping this works, un," Deidara prayed as he dropped the second quarter into the coin slot and dialed his home's number. There were a few rings, before a familiar female voice picked up. "Iwa residence."

"H-Hey mom, it's Deidara," the blond stated.

"Deidara! Oh, sweetie, are you ok?! Your father and I have been worried sick, ever since you were kidnapped! Did you get away from those nasty kidnappers!? Wait, are you being held hostage right now?! Are you ok? Oh Kami Deidara, please tell me they haven't hurt you-"

"Mother, I'm fine!" Deidara finally snapped after realizing his mother was going to keep rambling until she collapsed into a pile of hysterics. Much as he hated having anything in common with the female sect of the population, he had to admit that his dramatic attitude had definitely come from his mother. "I wasn't kidnapped; my friends and I just decided to take our spring break a little earlier than usual, un."

"Oh, Hideki, it was those kids from his old school! And now they're making him lie to his own parents!" Deidara's mother wailed over the phone.

"Wait, dad's there!?" Deidara demanded.

"Of course honey! We've barely left the house since you disappeared, and the police set up shop here in case the kidnappers called and made their demands! Oh! What are the demands, honey?"

"What the- I just told you, I wasn't kidnapped, un! I'm with my friends on vacation, un! And they aren't bad people; they've pretty much fed and housed me out of their own pockets for the last year! Un!"

"Don't worry about a thing, Deidara! The police have promised they traced this call, and will be able to pick you up in a matter of hours! Baby, I can't wait to know you're back home, safe and sound."

"But mom-" but all that Deidara could hear now was tearful sobbing, and with a remorseful sigh, he hung up the phone.

"How did it go?" Sasori asked as the bomber slid open the door to the phone booth.

Deidara groaned and sank down onto the floor. "Exactly as well as expected, un. We need to get out of here, now. Before we all get arrested. I'll try to make another call once we get to Zetsu's place."

The Akasuna shook his head and kneeled down beside his partner. "It's not like we expected one call to fix all our problems, Deidara. And at least now you're parents know that you're safe."

"I guess, un." Deidara reached for Sasori and pulled the redhead into an embrace, face buried against the puppeteer's neck. "Danna?"

"Hm?"

"Promise me that this isn't going to come between the two of us, un," the blond whispered with more than a little fear in his voice. His fear was replaced by anger, though, when Sasori had the nerve to scoff at him and bop him lightly on the head. "Ow!" Grumbling unhappily at the abuse, Deidara freed himself from the embrace and leaned back to glare at Sasori while massaging the bump on his head. "What was that for?"

"You really are a dumb blond," Sasori informed him. "You think that after all the trouble I went through to get you back and that heartfelt confession in the car, I'm going to let some silly little thing like a cross-country police chase break us up again?"

Deidara blinked at the puppet master a few times before snorting and looking away. "You're crazy, un."

"You love it," Sasori retorted before placing a chaste kiss on Deidara's lips.

"Maybe just a bit, un."

"Thought so. Now come on; we have to tell Pein it's time to flee from the law again."

"Just another day in the life of the Akatsuki, un." Sasori couldn't agree more.


	14. Chapter 13

_"And they aren't bad people; they've pretty much fed and housed me out of their own pockets for the last year! Un!"_

"Don't worry about a thing, Deidara! The police have promised they traced this call, and will be able to pick you up in a matter of hours!"

"Damn it to hell!" Anna swore before hurling the headset across the prop closet, where it landed somewhere in the set of The Sisterhood of the Wandering Pantsuits. "Rostov, you're sure that was Deidara on the line?"

"Correct," the black marketer answered with a visible shudder. "That voice has been haunting my nightmares for longer than I care to be remembering."

Rostov had settled in to the life of a thespian rather quickly, given his situation. Most of the actors were rather nice to him, and the bunk he now possessed at the foot of the orchestra's equipment was the closest thing he'd had to a permanent home in years. In return, he was quite willing to help his captors however he could (albeit a bit of his motivation was definitely the fear Anna had instilled in his heart).

Prudence had taken the Shakespeare Revival Movement to within half a mile of the Jashinist Camp, and then settled in on the side of the road for a brief stay while the plans to retrieve Jude's fair maiden were finalized. Rostov had been drafted to listen in on outgoing phone calls along with Anna and Maria, in hopes that they'd be able to acquire enough information about the camp to mount a successful infiltration without drawing attention to themselves. By a sheer stroke of luck, they'd only been listening on the line for ten minutes when Deidara's voice came in loud and clear to unwittingly let them know of the Akatsuki's predicament.

Anna sighed and flopped backwards onto the floorboard of the bus, thoroughly drained. "So we came this far for nothing. Typical."

"What is we going to be doing now, scary boss lady from hell?" Rostov questioned with more than a bit of reverence in his tone.

His answer came in the form of an acoustic guitar being strummed from a bunk just above their heads. "When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom-"

"Not now Lennon!" Anna snapped. "Unless you have something useful to suggest, get the hell out of here!"

"Martha?" he asked.

"I don't see how she-hey, Maria, what's wrong?" the girl in question was rubbing her temples in a pained manner, clearly holding something back that she desperately wanted to say. "Maria? Hey, if you have an idea, let us know! Anything's game now. Maria?...Martha Maria McCartney, answer me!"

"Oh for Kami's sake, will somebody please point out the gaping plot hole in this story arc?!" Maria all but shouted.

"Plot hole?" Anna repeated. "What kind of plot hole?"

At this point, Maria let out a high-pitched shriek and yanked her hair free of its braids. "Separation of church and state! That Jashinist camp is a religious institution, so unless there's a fire or murder or something, the law can't breech its perimeter to retrieve those that have taken sanctuary there unless there's criminal activity, which they can't prove at the moment! Higher powers, haven't any of these readers ever opened a law book?!"

"Wait, so it's not a lost cause yet?" Anna eagerly inquired.

"Well no, aside from the fact that we're somehow expected to break into a heavily fortified base, steal this fair maiden from under the Akatsuki's nose, spirit her back here under the cover of nightfall and then beat a hasty retreat without the police catching on."

"Sounds good to me!" Anna immediately spun around in her seat and snatched up a tin cup attached to a wire than had been sitting on a nearby table. "Prudence, you heard all that?"

"Loud and clear," the driver's voice replied from the other end.

"Great. Wake up the actors and shove some food in them. Maria, get down to props and tell the stagehands to start unloading whatever scenery is the easiest to move. Lennon, for once make yourself useful and strike up the orchestra. Rostov, you're with me. It's high time the SRM put on a show this season."

-n-

When Itachi emerged from the shower, he was greeted by the sight of Kisame packing his bags. "Deidara just called his folks," the shark explained without waiting for Itachi to ask. "Pein wants us to leave tonight. Says it's urgent that we skip out on this place as soon as possible."

"Hn."

"Listen, about earlier-"

"It's fine," Itachi cut in as he began to repack his own things.

Kisame looked to his partner, waiting for Itachi to say more, but it appeared the incident at the meeting was not going to be discussed any further. "Fine, be that way."

-n-

"So, what's the plan for getting out of here in one piece, un?"

Once again, the Akatsuki was gathered in Pein's room. This time though, Zetsu and Tobi were noticeably absent, and Kisame and Itachi appeared to be trying to avoid another confrontation by refusing to speak to one another. Pein had to fight down the urge to smack some sense into both of them, knowing it would be useless. Despite this, in some twisted way, he had to commend the duo; when they fought, they _really_ fought. "The original plan consisted of waiting for the cover of nightfall, and then pushing the van outside the camp. Once we were a safe distance away, the vehicle would be started, and then we'd drive like hell and pray for our lives."

"What changed that brilliant idea?" Sasori asked, unable to completely hide the sarcasm in his tone.

"This," the leader responded as he held up a brightly colored poster.

Instantly everyone crowded in for a closer look at whatever it was that was going to save them from certain doom. "The Shakespeare Revival Movement and The Lonely Hearts Club Band are proud to present, for one night only, a spectacular spectacle that's waiting to take you away! That's an invitation to make a reservation. We got everything you need, satisfaction guaranteed," Kakuzu read aloud.

The teens looked up at their leader, clearly wondering if he'd lost it. "Have you lost it?" Sasori queried.

"Listen, it's bright, it's flashy, and we're in the middle of a desert," Pein reasoned. "There isn't a Jashinist here that's not going to go see this show. All we have to do is wait until the presentation gets underway, and then we can escape without anyone noticing until hours later! Besides, I'm pretty sure riot control over hundreds of Jashinists takes priority over getting Deidara back, so all the local police will be busy."

"You know, that idea doesn't sound half bad," Kisame remarked.

BAM

Everyone jumped in their seats as the door slammed open, revealing a flushed Amaifuyu and Hakushi in the doorway. "Hey noobs!" Hakushi greeted with a wide smile. "Just thought we'd check in on ya. Haven't killed each other yet?"

"No," Pein answered, one hand still perched over his pounding heart.

"Aw damn it." Amaifuyu jabbed Hakushi in the ribs, making the blue-haired male cry out in pain. "Oh yeah, Amai here wants to know if you'll go to the fucking show with us." Another jab, this one with enough force to break a rib. "Damn it, quit doing that!"

"And get some dinner afterwards," Amaifuyu added, since her partner would not.

"What?! That wasn't part of the deal!"

"You wanted a Jashin-damned date night, so that means a show and a meal, dumbass."

"No, that means we do some shit for you, and then go home to do that thing I like-"

BAM

The Akatsuki watched with a mixture of shock and admiration as Hakushi hit the floor, jaw already starting to swell from where Amaifuyu had clocked him. "Bastard," the tranny growled from above the fallen Jashinist. Deciding that her boyfriend wasn't going anywhere fast, Amaifuyu turned her attention back to the Akatsuki. "So, seven o'clock sound good?"

"Er, sure," Konan answered nervously. "Is he going to be all right?"

"Who, him? He's fine," Amaifuyu replied while tugging Hakushi to his feet.

The injured Jashinist opened and closed his mouth several times, wincing as he rubbed the sore spot near his chin. "Damn Amai, I think you broke it."

"Oh shut up and move your ass," the other zealot ordered, shoving her boyfriend in the direction of the door before following after him, leaving the Akatsuki alone once more.

For a moment, there was dumbfounded silence as the reality of what just happened set in. "Looks like we have to go to the show first, and then sneak out," Sasori finally stated.

"Agreed," Pein said. "There's not much else we can do-Hidan, what's wrong?"

The zealot was staring at the door through which Hakushi and Amaifuyu had just exited, looking confused and angry. "I can't explain it, but I just had the overwhelming urge to beat the living hell out of Hakushi."

-sometime later that night-

Anna was darting nervously about the inside of the circus tent that'd be housing this evening's show, commanding her actors to recite their lines on the spot and watching the setup of scenery like a hawk. This would be their first show in over a month, so it was important to bring in as much funding as possible, since a low take would mean the only thing the SRM would be eating for a while was the wax fruit in the prop closet. Worse still, Maria being out of commission meant most of their traditional skits were out, and she'd reluctantly agreed to let Lennon perform a few of his own pieces in hopes of filling their advertised time slot. Currently, however, the man had been delegated to managing the snack bar, since the sandy-haired director sincerely doubted he could screw up such a simple task.

Then again, this was Lennon she was talking about.

At least the audience looked promising. Maria's research on Jashinists indicated that they were often a violent and temperamental lot, so she was half-expecting some sort of fight to break out before the overture even began. Thankfully, most of the zealots were sitting calmly in their seats, looking around at the various backgrounds that lay in different areas of the area and talking amongst their friends. The only oddity being that they had a dazed look on their faces and were eating an unusually large amount of snacks-

Oh. Dear. God. "LENNON!"

About five seconds later Anna stood before the thespian in question, who for his part did nothing more than quirk a brow at the leader as she loomed over the snack cart like a Fury descending on a helpless victim. "Lennon, what the bloody hell have you been selling these people?!"

Lennon, deciding a well thought out explanation was probably the last thing Anna had on her mind at the moment, chose to hold up the sign advertising his wares. Everything checked out, until she saw the bottom line.

**Brownies: 50 cents  
"Special" brownies: $5**

"You…you…I'm going to need a thesaurus to describe how much of a moronic, idiotic, imbecilic whatever the hell you are really is!" The musician decided that this was probably a good time to show her their money tin, which was overflowing with cash, coins, and what appeared to be Jashinist trading cards (plus a coupon for a free round of mini-golf). "I don't care if there's gold and jewels in there! There's not, is there?" Lennon shook his head, causing Anna to screech and lunge across the cart to strangle the poor man. "Listen to me, you living embodiment of an acid trip," she hissed in his face. "We're breaking about a dozen fire codes right now, none of our actors have been vaccinated in years, and I'm currently dodging both the draft and my taxes. The last thing we need is for some middle-aged pig to find a reason to shut down our production before it even gets off the ground, and I'll be damned-"

"What seems to be the problem here?" a smooth timbre inquired from behind them.

Anna felt her blood freeze in her veins, and ever so slowly released Lennon from her death grip. Praying madly to every deity she could think of, the director turned around and came face to face with a tall, overweight cop who was giving the pair a decidedly unpleasant look. "No problem, officer," she cooed in an overly sweet voice she specially reserved for situations like this. This wasn't the first time one of Lennon's brilliant schemes had gotten them in pretty deep, and it was unlikely to be the last. "Just a creative disagreement between thespians. Right Lennon?" The hippie nodded in agreement. He and Anna may have their disagreements at times, but it was something they could handle back home on the bus, and not with this cop breathing down their necks.

The officer, to his credit, didn't buy the story right off, and began looking over the chips and cookies being sold at the snack cart. Much to Anna's dismay, his eyes eventually came to rest on the menu, eyebrows going up as he spotted the two final entries. "What's so special about these 'special' brownies, hm?"

"You get a kiss from a pretty girl like me," Anna blurted out. It was the best excuse she could think up on such short notice, seemed somewhat plausible, and best of all, it had the added bonus of making Lennon choke on the orange soda he'd been drinking at the moment.

The officer gave the pair a long look, finally shaking his head and walking off. "Might wanna cut down the price."

You could have heard a pin drop.

"What the-why that low down, pig-faced, bucktooth-" Anna's rant was cut short by the sound of Lennon strumming his guitar behind her. She turned around with the intention of ordering him to stop before she broke the damnable instrument over his skull, but stopped upon noticing that Lennon was not only strumming with borderline anger, but seemed to be barely concealing his rage behind a calm façade. "Lennon?"

"Here come ol' flaptop, he come grooving up slowly, he got joo-joo eyeball, he one holy roller, he got hair down to his knee, got to be a joker he just do what he please."

Anna blinked at her contemporary and suddenly burst out laughing, not ceasing until she was on the floor clutching her sides and tears were rolling down her cheeks. "Oh god Lennon, you've written some trippy shit, but that's pretty out there." The female was eventually able to calm herself down enough to stand back up and wipe the tears from her eyes. "I'm gonna go tell the others to get ready. Go ahead and leave this to Maria; you're on in 10." Still chuckling, the director walked off.

Lennon waited until he was sure the woman was out of hearing range, before retuning the instrument and plucking away at a song that had become very familiar to him, his voice barely audible as though he himself didn't want to hear the words. "All of my life, I've been searching for a girl to love me like I love you. Oh, now…but every girl I've ever had, breaks my heart and leave me sad. What am I, what am I supposed to do. Oh..." His voice trailed off as his guitar fell silent, and it was with a pained sigh that he tilted backwards in his chair and looked to the roof of the circus tent. "What am I supposed to do?"

-meanwhile -

Pein was decidedly not happy that the Akatsuki had to stick around to see part of the show. For one thing, Hakushi and Amaifuyu were clinging to the group like their lives depended on it. For another thing, Haku had managed to be lumped in with them as well, meaning that they were going to have to try and sneak out eight people from under the trio's noses.

Yes, eight. The leader had managed to convince their over-enthused hosts that Zetsu was feeling under the weather, and Tobi wanted to stay behind and take care of him (truthfully, this was probably the only shot they would have to get Zetsu in the van before he went completely bonkers again). The Jashinists were a bit upset that the newest recruits were so hell-bent on preventing an epidemic from spreading through the camp, but finally accepted the decision with a shake of their heads and mutters about how crazy the converts were getting these days.

In the end, though, Pein forced himself to admit that while he would very much have liked to keep their group together, having two members in the van would make their approaching escape that much easier to carry out. For the time being, they would have to sit back and enjoy the show. Speaking of which, the lights had dimmed down, and the Jashinists were growing quiet. Show time.

At first, all was dark and quiet on stage, with only a few muffled words and shuffling noises to break the silence. Suddenly a spotlight illuminated center stage as a guitar began strumming in the background. One of the troupe's actors ran into the light, briefly held up a sign boasting that this skit was called, '**The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill**', and then just as quickly vanished from sight. "He went out tiger hunting with his elephant and gun," a voice crooned in the background as a male dressed in a khaki safari outfit, complete with comically oversized gun and hat which covered his eyes, wandered onto the stage, seemingly peering around for the afore-mentioned tiger. He was followed by several other in elephant costumes, also looking around for the mighty beast hiding nearby. "In case of accidents he always took his mum (here a woman dressed in a pink bathrobe and hair curlers entered after him, looking annoyed at having to follow her son around), He's the all American bullet-headed Saxon mother's son" (at this, Bill began to swing his gun in all directions, nearly taking off his mother's head before she grabbed him and smacked him over the head with the weapon, making the audience members cheer).

"Deep in the jungle where the mighty tiger lies," the singer went on (here the tiger crept up behind the group, which remained completely oblivious to the predator's approach), "Bill and his elephants were taken by surprise" (the hunter finally turned around and gasped, sending all the elephants into a frenzy as they raced about the ring, unsure of what to do), "So Captain Marvel zapped him right between the eyes" (the tiger suddenly ripped off his head, revealing underneath a man in red spandex with a lightning bolt down his chest. True to the song, he whipped out a pop gun and shot Bill, who collapsed on stage in a manner most dramatic).

The offstage singer hummed for a few bars as the elephants disappeared, replaced by children who gathered around the mortally injured man. "The children asked him if to kill was not a sin. 'Not when he looked so fierce', his mummy butted in" (here the woman silently scolded the children, who fled the scene). "If looks could kill it would have been us instead of him-"

"Excuse me!"

The actors onstage looked extremely confused when one of the Jashinists barged into the middle of their performance, consequently ending the song mid-verse. "Geez, who invited Emperor Buzz Kill?" Amaifuyu grumbled. He, like many other members of the audience, had been enjoying the comedy routine.

Kakashi, however, had apparently taken offense with part of the ballad and wasn't polite enough to mask it. "Where is that singer?" he demanded, looking first to 'Bill' and then to his mother. When all he got in response was scared and unsure looks, he growled and pressed on. "I demand to see that man who's spewing blasphemy about whether or not it's right to kill! Get him out here now!"

Say what you will about thespians, but they're not stupid creatures. The pair fled the scene post haste, and in only a matter of seconds a brunette male with circular specs and an acoustic guitar entered the stage. He didn't say anything, but rather gave Kakashi a perturbed look, not bothering to hide his annoyance at having the show interrupted in such an unpleasant manner. "Who are you?" Kakashi inquired.

"I am, you are, he as, you are, he as, you are me and we are all together," Lennon sang.

"…What?"

"Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come. Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday." Lennon looked at Kakashi and tsk'ed, shaking his head sadly. "Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long."

"Who are you!?" Kakashi demanded over the chuckles of the audience.

"I am the eggman," Lennon declared. He tilted his head, pondering the assertion for a moment, before shaking his head. "_They are the eggmen_," he corrected, motioning to the viewers. "I am the walrus. Ku ku ka chu."

"Now look-!"

"Mister City Policeman sitting, pretty little policemen in a row." Lennon walked up to the front row of the audience, and politely tipped an invisible hat at them.

Pein, meanwhile, was sweating bullets. Police? This close?! Crap, if that was really the case, the Akatsuki needed to leave immediately. Unfortunately, it would be blatantly obvious if all of them got up at once to leave during the show. They needed some kind of distraction…but what?

Fortunately the heavens answered Pein's request. A high-pitched scream, followed by a thunderous crash, echoed from the direction of the snack bar. After that, the lights went out, and all hell broke loose.

-n-

Years later, when Pein looked back on this nightmare of an escapade and went over the finer details of that night, he was never able to figure out how he'd managed to get his group out of the door and into their van while dodging the police, zealots, and panicking thespians. Fortunately however, the group was in fact able to escape, and not even half an hour later they were back on the road.

"Dear Kami, that was close!" Konan groaned as she went limp in her seat. There was only so much a person could take in one day, and she was right at her limit.

"But at least we're all ok, un," Deidara stated.

"Where's Itachi?!" Kisame suddenly demanded.

The group looked around the interior of the van (which didn't take too long), and was horrified to discover that they were, in fact, short one Uchiha.

-15 minutes earlier-

Itachi hadn't cared much for the Bungalow Bill skit, and decided to get some snacks before the show got too far underway. Maybe he and Kisame could share a bag of popcorn together. That would be a good start to making up, right?

As he made his way to the snack cart, he was surprised to find Haku standing nearby, looking agitated by the sheer length of the line. Apparently Itachi wasn't the only one who didn't care for the skit; there were a good ten people in front of him, and the girl working the counter was having problems filling their orders in a timely manner, as one of her feet was trapped in a bulky cast. Poor thing.

Itachi took his place in line and began to look around, hoping to find something to distract him from thoughts of Kisame. He knew that they shouldn't be fighting right now; the shark hadn't meant to insult Itachi back in the woods, and now the Uchiha was only carrying on their spat to be spiteful. That was…bad, simply put. Really bad.

Before he was even aware of it, his fingers had slid under the sweatband he wore on his wrist and began to trace the pale scars he bore on his sensitive flesh. Kisame had been the one to take away the pain and guilt these marks carried. Kisame had protected and loved the weasel with his whole being. The two of them had been separated for months because of that damnable Orochimaru, and as soon as they were reunited, Kisame's top priority was Itachi's well-being. Honestly, it had been weeks before the shark decided Itachi had regained enough weight so as not to require five meals a day. True, the big blue lug did have more than a few faults, but at the end of the day, none of them really mattered to Itachi.

Aaaaaaand now the weasel felt like the lowest bug on planet Earth. He needed to hurry up and make up with his boyfriend-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" CRASH

Itachi's revelation was interrupted by a scream coming from the front of the line. He turned his attention back to the snack bar to discover that the popcorn machine had exploded, for lack of a better term. In its place stood a blonde girl with stained overalls and a huge net. She was looking in his direction and grinning madly, which was more than enough to set him on edge. "I have you now!" she cackled. The last thing Itachi saw before the room went black was the female lunging.

- back to the present-

"We have to go back!" Kisame demanded.

"It's too late," Pein argued. "We have to get away while we can, and Zetsu takes priority right now."

"Why?!"

"I'll explain it soon," Konan promised. "But Kisame, we need to get Zetsu away now. And if there were any police at the show, you know they'd be making arrests left and right. Itachi's a smart kid; he'll be able to hide himself until we can reunite later. Ok?"

"But….Itachi…" Kisame slumped down in defeat, knowing that the duo was right. There was no way they could jeopardize everyone's safety for Itachi's sake. For now, the pair would have to be separated. "Itachi, please be all right."

-meanwhile, approximately- you know what? It's far. It's really freakin' far-

After doing a final headcount and deeming that they'd rescued enough of the props, Anna gave Lennon the go-ahead to drive off. The police had jumped on the general populace as soon as the lights went out (darn faulty circuits!) and the last thing the Shakespeare Revival Movement needed was the prying eyes of the law finding reasons to ticket/arrest the members. "Prudence! What the hell happened?!" she shrieked, barging into the prop closet with the aura of a murderess demon.

"Hey, don't look at me!" the blond wailed. "It's bad enough you expect me to be the driver and mechanic for this group, not to mention making me hide in a popcorn machine! Wiring and lights go under the lighting department, which should have its own team! Not my fault you delegated the job to me when the last guy ran off to Fiji."

"Right, right. Did you at least get the fair maiden?"

"Of course!" Prudence boasted with a smirk, jerking her thumb towards a squirming burlap sack in the corner. "Saw her, jumped her, and had her bagged and bussed before she even knew what was happening."

"Is Jude here to confirm that we got the right chick?" Anna pressed.

"Ho ho, fine fellows!" a familiar baritone called out.

"Well that answers that. All right, open the sack!" Needing no further prompting, Prudence undid the tie on the bag and inverted it, causing the small body within to tumble out.

Brown eyes blinked once, twice, three times as the dark-haired male sat upright. Where was he? What was going on? And why were these theatre people staring at him?

"Well Jude?"

"…"

"Jude?"

"'Tis not her."

"What?!"

"But she matches the description perfectly!" Prudence protested. "Dark hair, slender frame, impassive face, everything!"

"Excuse me," the hostage interjected. "Erm, I'm a boy. And my name is Haku."


	15. Chapter 14

Boom was running through the hallway in the residents' sleeping quarters, frantically trying to locate her best friend. Everything was going crazy around her, and she had no idea what to do. Tenshi was the one that took control in these situations, and probably already had a plan worked out. A lot of good that did her, though, when she couldn't even find the blasted girl! _"Dang it Tenshi, why isn't your sixth sense going off?! I'm in trouble here!"_

"Boom!" Speak of the devil, there she was!

Boom dove towards the door Tenshi was propping open, nearly tackling her friend in the process. As soon as the redhead was in the room she collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath as her heart thudded loudly against her ribcage. "What happened?!" she demanded.

"If Itachi's story is right," Tenshi began while shutting the door to the girls' room, "and I'd bet money it is, one of the actors destroyed the snack bar and knocked out the power. Throw a few hundred wound-up psychos into the mix, and you get the utter chaos currently running rampant in the Jashinist Reeducation Camp for Heathens."

"Itachi? He's here?" Boom looked around the room and quickly spotted a rather frazzled looking weasel huddled in the corner. He'd probably been saved by Tenshi not a moment earlier, if the redhead had to make a guess. "Itachi!"

GLOMP

"Ow," the weasel grunted from underneath the bomber.

"Boom, please get off my godfather."

"Sorry Tenshi," Boom apologized as she sat back, allowing the male to sit up beside her and rub his already bruising spine. "Itachi, what are you doing here? Weren't you going to leave with the others?"

"Hn?"

"Those Akuma guys, or whatever they're called. They took off right after the power went out; well, unless there was some other hippie van parked out front."

"Boom-" Tenshi cut in with a hint of desperation.

"Why'd you decide to stay? Oh, please don't tell me you're buying into this Jashin crap!"

"Boom-"

"Seriously Itachi, being a convert really isn't all it's cracked up to be! Sure, it might seem glamorous and hip at first, but after a while you feel like that one kid who's dancing badly all by himself at prom!"

"Boom, shut up!"

"Why?" the redhead queried.

"They left me?" Itachi pondered aloud, unable to wrap his head around the notion. "The Akatsuki…Kisame…they left without me?"

"That's why," Tenshi growled.

"Whoops." Boom felt like she was an inch high, and wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die. Judging from the look on the elder Uchiha's face, he felt like doing the same. "Look Itachi, it must've been an accident. I mean, if what you told us about Kisame is true, he'd never leave you behind! Right?"

"We've been fighting lately," Itachi admitted.

"About what?" Tenshi interjected. She'd taken a seat by Boom, and both girls were giving Itachi looks filled with sympathy and concern.

"Hn."

"Itachi…"

"Hn."

"Well that sounds more like something you'd do. But that puts us in a quite a predicament…" Tenshi crossed her arms and hummed to herself, pondering the trio's current predicament.

"Tenshi? What is it?"

The blue-haired girl cast her friend a sideways glance, smirk tugging gently at her lips. "Isn't it obvious, Boom? We're going to have to return Itachi to the Akatsuki."

"Hn?!"

"Wow, really?" Boom exclaimed.

"Of course! It's pretty obvious that we can't keep him here. Kakashi would be in his pants in five seconds flat!"

"Hey!"

"Well technically your pants would be somewhere on his floor, I guess," Tenshi corrected herself.

"That's not the point!"

"I'll get our bags!" Boom all but dove for their closet and extracted twin duffle bags, already half-packed. Itachi then watched with mild amazement as a red blur ran around the room, yanking clothes, money, and miscellaneous items out of drawers and throwing them onto the nearby bed. "Finally, I was getting sick of this place! Plus I think they're starting to catch on that we're not really into the religion scene."

"You two can't-wait, what are you doing here then?"

"Thanks Boom," Tenshi ground out.

"Tenshi, what's going on?" Itachi demanded. He may have only been a few years older than the girl, but as her godfather he felt somewhat responsible for the girl's well-being.

"You want the nice version?"

"The truth."

"Well, um…see, Boom and I thought it might be a good idea to take a little time off from school-"

"Tenshi…"

"Ok, we got expelled and didn't want the parents to freak out! So, I may have done some creative file moving to make it look like we transferred to the Jersey Regional Compound for Humanists to continue our creative pursuits. Only a few wires got crossed and we wound up at the wrong JRCH. And then, we couldn't exactly tell either set of parents the truth by that point, so we had to make up some stories about desperately wanting to go here-"

"Done!" Boom informed them with a final zip of a duffle bag.

"-but I really doubt my folks or hers will care if we drop out of a cult! Particularly if they don't find out for a while, if you get my drift."

"Absolutely not."

"Aww, c'mon Itachi!" Tenshi begged. "You're broke and alone, stuck in the middle of a desert with no allies or supplies! You need us, and we need someone older than 13. You want to find Kisame, don't you?"

Tenshi's words hit Itachi square in the heart. Of course he wanted to find Kisame again. It was one thing to be separated once; for it to happen again, and under such adverse conditions…that was more than he could bear. With a sigh and a heavy heart, Itachi extended a hand to his goddaughter, which she quickly shook. Their adventure was about to begin.

-n-

"So, this is where you sleep?" Haku asked.

Rostov nodded and heaved himself into the top bunk, shoving aside several trombones to do so. "These people is very kindly and friendly to newcomers. You is getting the bunk below mine, plus free meals and acting lessons!"

"But we're stuck here now, right?"

"Eh, this is being small peanuts to me. The peoples is crazy, but they pay enough to support my five brothers and four sisters and six nieces and seven nephews-"

"What should I do with these dresses?" Haku inquired. The teen was attempting to clean off his bed to get some sleep, but it went against his very nature to simply throw things onto the floor as opposed to putting them up. He'd already replaced most of the harmonicas and kazoos with the other instruments, but there were at least seven Renaissance-style gowns littering the mattress as well, and he had no idea where they were to be placed in the costume area.

"Ah. The troupe is too broke for the blankets and covers, so we is using costumes." The foreigner grinned and held up a dusty, bearskin pelt for the effeminate male to see. "I is getting the costumes from, what was it, Davy Crockpot? Yes, that sounds right."

Haku stared at the elder male, praying that he was joking. "Let me make sure I understand. These people can't afford basic food and shelter for their members, but they'll take in just about anyone who crosses their path, regardless of whether or not the person in question has any acting talents whatsoever?"

"You is catching on quickly!" Rostov marveled.

Haku opened his mouth to go on, then thought better of it and shook his head. "Rostov, I'm feeling rather tired. Would you mind if I turned in?"

"Turned into what?"

"I meant go to sleep."

"Oh! But you will be missing dinner if you go to sleep now."

Haku sensed an opening when Rostov voiced his concern, and in an instant transformed into what Zabuza liked to refer to as 'innocent Haku.' He drew his arms close to his chest, one porcelain hand curled up by his mouth as though hiding his face out of embarrassment. Heavy eyelids drooped half-closed, and his entire body posture transformed into something reminiscent of an incredibly shy child who'd just been forced into a crowd of people. "I wouldn't know anyone else eating," Haku stated in a breathy whisper. "They'd probably pick on me, or take my food. It's all right; I'm used to it. I'll just wait until everyone else is asleep, and get some of the leftovers. If they have a microwave, I might even heat them up."

Rostov looked deeply concerned at the newcomer's predicament, and wondered what he could do to alleviate the poor child's suffering. He wasn't familiar enough with most of the SRM to say whether or not they'd take advantage of such a sweet, innocent child or not, but considering his run-ins with Anna et all, it might not pay to take a chance like that yet. Suddenly, an idea popped into his head, making him grin and snap his fingers. "I know! I will be getting food for you and me when I go to the mess!"

"You'd do that for me?" Haku inquired in a disbelieving tone. "Oh, I couldn't ask-"

"Nonsense! You and me is in the same pickle, so we need to be making lemonade of it, yes?"

"Well, erm-"

"Stay right there, I will be back in two churns of the butter!"

Haku waited until he was sure the foreigner wasn't coming back before diving under the dresses and whipping out the cell phone that was perpetually strapped to his thigh. The theatre troupe had searched him after capture, but security agents they were not. He quickly punched in the only phone number he'd ever needed to use, and waited patiently for the other end to pick up.

Three rings later, a gruff voice on the other end of the line picked up. "Martini's Pizza Parlor, what can I get you?"

"Cheese-less cheese pizza, no crust, no sauce, and hold the mayo," Haku replied.

"I just got into position," Zabuza stated after confirming Haku's identity. "The camp's going nuts out here, and I'm going to assume you weren't responsible for that."

"No, there was a minor setback," the brunette male stated.

"What sort of setback?"

"A theatre troupe showed up and scared off the targets." Zabuza swore loudly on the other end, making Haku wince. "They've already moved their location and are heading to a town a bit north of here."

"Phone me when you're outside the camp and I'll pick you up. You can give me the coordinates then."

Haku gulped; he'd been dreading this part of their chat, as he had a feeling Zabuza wouldn't approve of his current situation. "That won't be possible, Zabuza."

"And why not?"

"…I've been taken hostage by the theatre troupe."

"YOU WHAT?!"

Haku cringed inwards. Oh yes, Zabuza was pissed. "It's under control, I promise! Maria keeps breaking the fourth wall to find out where they've gone, the director has decided to sacrifice the better part of this season to hunting down the fair maiden, and Rostov is going to help me make lemonade out of this pickle."

"…Listen, Haku, I know we agreed to use code more in our conversations, but I have no idea what the hell you're talking about."

"It's not code, it's the truth!"

"Little girly boy? Where is you going off to now?" Rostov called out from several feet away.

"I have to go for now. Please be safe."

"You promise things are under control?"

"Of course, Zabuza," Haku assured his partner before hanging up. Time to eat dinner.

Zabuza pocketed his phone and started up the engine to his Jeep. "Time to go rescue him."

-n-

"You think he's ok?"

"Does he look ok?"

"I was just asking a question, danna."

"Well it's a rather stupid question, brat. This is the second time they've been separated against their will, and they don't even have the benefit of being on good terms with each other this time around!"

Kisame wanted to tell the artists to shut up, as their banter only succeeded in making him all the more miserable. He resigned himself to ignoring them, at least for now. Their attention would shift back to Zetsu soon enough.

Zetsu…the poor guy was sitting in the farthest corner of the van from him, legs pulled close to his chest as his eyes stared forward, focused on nothing. Konan had given the group a very brief summary of Zetsu's history with schizophrenia, but seemed just as troubled as the rest of the group that Zetsu had gone into a catatonic state.

Tobi, for his part, was holding up like an absolute trooper. He'd been by the hacker's side nonstop, just holding his hand and whispering to Zetsu words so soft that no one else could hear. If Zetsu was aware of anything Tobi was doing at the moment, he wasn't showing it.

It made Kisame feel guilty, actually, to be thinking about Itachi in a time like this. Zetsu was seriously messed up, and there was absolutely nothing that anyone could do until he got that damnable prescription filled out. He may have been surrounded by what was essentially family, but at the moment he may as well have been stranded on a desert island.

On the other hand, Zetsu would at least have the rest of the Akatsuki to support him when he came back down to planet Earth. Itachi…who knew what the weasel was going through right now? It had been at least three hours since their impromptu fleeing, so the Uchiha was sure to have surmised that the Akatsuki was no longer in the JRCH. How was he feeling right now? Hurt? Angry? Betrayed?

It was too much to think about right now. Kisame allowed his mind to drift away to happier times, when life was so much simpler. It had been late autumn, just a few weeks before his kidnapping…

-n-

_Kisame tugged at the collar of his sweater, muttering several obscenities at the sheer itchiness of the fabric. This had to be some sort of international conspiracy, perpetrated by those third-world children who hated making sweaters for rich teens halfway across the globe! "Kisame."_

The shark looked to his left to find Itachi curled up under a maple tree, calmly turning a page in his book as he continued their reading assignment. Kisame was supposed to be reading as well, but his accursed sweater was making such a feat quite unlikely at the moment. "Yeah angel?"

"Hn." (Don't call me that. And stop pulling at your sweater; you're going to stretch out the collar and look absolutely ridiculous).

Kisame rolled his eyes at the order and continued tugging on the clothing. "It itches! And before you ask, no, I don't have any other winter clothes unpacked yet, so it was either this or stay home and listen to Konan's soap operas all day."

"Hn." (That is beside the point. Cease and desist, before I'm forced to take drastic measures that you will regret).

The shark grinned at the threat. "I wouldn't mind seeing that."

About five seconds later, Kisame found himself wondering why the world had decided to turn itself upside-down, and why there was a heavy, Itachi-like weight in the middle of his chest. He looked down to find himself pinned under the weasel, who despite keeping a poker face was unable to hide the glee dancing about his eyes. "You were saying?" Itachi queried as he adjusted his grip on Kisame's shoulders.

"Oh you little-" Kisame took advantage of his larger size to roll over, effectively freeing himself from the grip of Itachi.

The duo wrestled there for several minutes before Kisame finally pinned his boyfriend and took the time to gloat over the struggling Uchiha. "This counts as drastic measures? Forcing me to pin you bodily to the ground while your shirt rides up so I can see that adorable tummy of yours? Oh yeah, I'm definitely regretting this now, Itachi."

"Evil," Itachi snapped.

"Oh hush," Kisame ordered. "Actually, scratch that." Itachi gave his partner a wary look; he did not like that grin on the shark's face. "I'd like you to admit that I finally beat you at something. Better yet, admit that you were beaten by the strongest, bravest, most amazing shark in the entire world."

"Hn." (Did you get into Tobi's medicine?)

"I mean it, Itachi. I'm not letting you up until you say it. Now I'll count to three, and if you don't say it by then, it is I who will be forced to take drastic measures." The shark punctuated his statement by holding up his free hand (the other was busy keeping Itachi's hands above his head), and waggled his fingers at the younger male.

Itachi was not amused. "You wouldn't."

"One…"

"Kisame…"

"Two…"

"I'm warning you-"

"THREE!" Kisame's fingers dove beneath the hemline of Itachi's shirt and began a merciless assault on the weasel's most ticklish spots.

Itachi let out a most undignified squeal and writhed desperately to escape the shark's clutches, all to no avail. "Ki-Kisam-me!" he choked out between bouts of laughter, twisting every which way in the vain hope of a reprieve.

"Hm?" Kisame queried from his position above the Uchiha. "I'm sorry, what was that? You're going to admit it now?"

"Never!"

"Then suffer!" Thus the tickling continued, Itachi shrieking and laughing and Kisame enjoying every minute of it.

The shark finally relaxed his assault when he saw tears running down Itachi's face, and decided the weasel deserved a breather. "Had enough?"

"Hn." (Was that absolutely necessary?) Itachi demanded while wiping the tears of mirth on his shoulder.

Kisame adjusted his position so that his was reclining beside the smaller male, his hand now gently rubbing along the weasel's abdomen instead of tickling it. "No, but it was worth it to see you smile." Kisame's hand slowly made its way up Itachi's chest and neck, finally coming to rest on the weasel's cheek and forcing the blushing male to look at him. "Seriously angel, you need to smile more. It's kind of gorgeous when you do."

Itachi stared into the shark's eyes, unblinking and silent. There was a look on his face coupled with an emotion behind his eyes that Kisame had seen many times but could never name. It was warm, and loving, and protective, and a hundred other things all at the same time. The shark rarely got to see this look, but when he did, it was everything. That look spoke volumes more than Itachi's voice ever could, and all that emotion was directed at none other than him.

At some point during his musings, Itachi had burrowed closer to Kisame and was now attempting to kiss his boyfriend. The shark quickly came back to the here and now, kissing the Uchiha as his hands made their way around the younger male's torso. The kiss was chaste and brief, but that was part of the sweetness and charm of the moment. "Kisame?"

"Yeah angel?"

"Hn." (You are the strongest, sweetest, bravest, most thoughtful, protective, and most amazing shark in the entire universe).

It took a few seconds for the statement to register in Kisame's mind, but when it did, the teen couldn't help but grin from ear to ear. "I think you tacked on a few extra adjectives there, Itachi."

"Doesn't make it any less true," the weasel answered, before giving the blue-skinned teen another kiss.

-n-

"Itachi, please be safe," Kisame begged. He could only hope that the almighty higher powers that be were willing to grant his request.

-n-

A low wail went through the heart of the Jashinist camp. It started with the single, mournful cry of a heart-broken girl, and then slowly traveled throughout the region, one person at a time, until not a single Jashinist of the female persuasion was safe from falling to their knees and screeching to the heavens, "HIDAN!" Their idol was gone.

"Gone," lamented one.

"Gone," another repeated.

"Gone, gone, gone," they murmured through the campground.

"Miss him."

"Want him."

"Need him!"

"Get him?"

Instantly a thousand eyes were upon the pink-haired girl who'd spoken last. "Get him?" a blonde girl with light-blue eyes repeated.

"Get him," the pinkette confirmed.

"Get him? Get him. GET HIM!" The war cry was proclaimed all over the camp, its message ringing loud and clear through the heart of every fangirl. The trail was still hot, their idol's image still fresh in their minds; quick! To arms!

The females tore through the camp, seeking Jeeps, buses, motorized scooters, any form of vehicle which could be outfitted for driving over adverse terrain. Workshops and golf courses were dismantled in an effort to produce adequate materials for this venture, and all hands were called forth to undertake this most momentous of projects. They were going to find Hidan. It was only a matter of time.


	16. Chapter 15

"Onward, to victory I say!" Tenshi shouted with equal parts delight and reckless abandon in her tone. The trio of Boom, Itachi, and Tenshi had been in the middle of plotting their incredible getaway, when out of nowhere the entirety of the Jashinist camp seemed to break out into a riot and began tearing down buildings and raiding supplies with an animalistic fury. The teens had taken advantage of the confusion to escape out of the dorms, sneak into the garage, and steal a vehicle. Currently the group was driving down the side of the highway, following what Itachi had deduced to be the most likely trail taken by the Akatsuki after their equally hasty departure.

"Tenshi, stop sticking your head outside the vehicle!" Boom wailed from her position in the back seat. "The warning label clearly says to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times to avoid injury!"

"Boom, we're in a golf cart. I could hop out and jog laps around this thing if I wanted to."

"Then why'd we steal it?"

"Well anything with an engine and wheels is better than our feet, right?"

"Would both of you please be quiet?" Itachi snapped. "I'm trying to concentrate."

"Oooh, that's right, you don't have a license yet," Boom giggled. Itachi was beginning to grow on her, and the redhead now took great pleasure in teasing the Uchiha as much as she did Tenshi. "If the cops catch us, you're doubly screwed. Well, triply if they decide to charge you with kidnapping Tenshi and me."

"I doubt that's going to happen," Tenshi stated to alleviate some of the stress on her godfather's face. Even if her best friend couldn't see it, Tenshi knew that Itachi was a bundle of nerves at the moment, and even if Boom's comments were made in jest, they were still adding to the pressure Itachi was suffering under. "We haven't passed another car for miles, and this isn't exactly the road most traveled."

"How far do you think this cart can get us?" Boom asked in an attempt to change the subject. Apparently she wasn't too thick to miss her friend's attempt at de-stressing the elder Uchiha.

"Hn," Itachi replied.

"I guess you're right. It really doesn't matter how far it gets us if we can't get there fast enough." The trio let out a collective sigh as the weight of their situation began to sink in. They were a bunch of broke, homeless, runaway teens with nothing but a few possessions tucked away in the back of a stolen golf cart, making an impromptu escape through the desert in the middle of the night. "Itachi, Tenshi, what are we gonna do?"

"This cart's gotta be worth some money," Tenshi reasoned. "Maybe we can find a dealer who'd trade it in for a motorbike or something. Anything faster than this."

"In the middle of the desert?"

"Hey, I'm a little short on ideas here, particularly the ones of the spontaneous variety. Maybe we can catch up to the Akatsuki, or at least figure out where they're going next and take a bus there. I mean, come on; it's not exactly easy to hide a group of wanted criminals that look like you guys."

-n-

Deidara growled under his breath and swatted what had to be the fifty-millionth gnat to bite him in the last ten minutes. Camping in the desert sucked, and the Akatsuki's only protection from Mother Nature was their campfire and the smoke it gave off. Several coyotes howled in the distance, as if to confirm that Deidara should fear the wrath of the great outdoors. At least they'd hit the prairie soon, and be rid of the miserable heat and creatures that lived here.

The blond's sulking was disrupted by a soft thump beside him, followed by a strong arm wrapping itself around his waist. "Cold?" Sasori asked as he settled in beside his boyfriend.

Deidara shook his head and scooted closer to the redhead, planting a small kiss on the puppet master's cheek. "Not really, un. The fire's keeping me warm." A silent pause, and then… "How's Zetsu doing?"

"Still unresponsive. Konan and Pein got him to eat some soup with Tobi's help, and now they're off somewhere on their own. If I had to guess, they're trying to figure out how to pick up his medicine with him in this state."

"Poor guy," Deidara murmured as he stared into the fire.

"I know. I wish they'd bothered to inform us about Zetsu's condition before we went on vacation…but there's nothing we can do about that now. Kisame's off brooding somewhere, and Kami only knows what Kakuzu and Hidan are up to." Sasori's normally blank countenance gave way to a small smirk. "Actually, I've a good idea what they're doing and don't intend to find them and confirm my suspicions."

Deidara nodded and bit his lip. While the redhead had been speaking, Deidara had curled himself into a tight ball, looking anywhere but at the Akasuna. His shoulders were trembling as well, and overall the bomber looked rather terrible. Sasori frowned at the sight, tugging the blond closer and wrapping his free arm around the younger male's shoulders to encase Deidara in a loving embrace. "You sure you're not cold?"

"It's not that, un." Deidara's eyes began to water, and when he next spoke it was with a shaky, cracked voice. "Sasori danna, I'm so sorry, un. It's my fault that we're in this situation. I shouldn't have run away with you from school without telling my folks or the principal. And I shouldn't have tried to run away in the first place because we were fighting. If I hadn't-"

"Deidara, don't." Firm yet gentle fingers wrapped around Deidara's chin, tilting the blond's face to look into Sasori's eyes. "No one blames you for what's happened to us, understand? No one. Zetsu losing his meds, Itachi getting separated, the rest of us running from the law, none of that was your fault. Things that were beyond our control went nuts and did this. But if you really want to blame someone, it's my fault for kidnapping you in such a suspicious manner and starting this whole mess."

"Sasori danna-"

"But even if you blame me, no one else is going to start pointing fingers, Dei. We're a family, and that means that regardless of who's to blame for our predicament, we'll support one another and stick together until the end. So no more self-loathing and tears, all right?"

Deidara sniffled and nodded. "All right danna."

"Good." Sasori's fingers moved to Deidara's cheek, wiping away a few tears that had managed to escape the blond's eyes unnoticed. "There. You look much better when you're not crying. Especially since you're back in your regular clothes."

Deidara sniffed and chuckled, shaking his head at the Akasuna. "And here I thought you liked me in those skirts."

"Well they did show off your figure nicely. But those jeans…" Sasori leaned in and placed a not so innocent kiss at the base of Deidara's neck. "Well, no one could possibly resist you looking like that."

Deidara snorted and gently shoved Sasori's chest. "I'm trying to be serious here, un."

"And I'm trying to let you know there's nothing to worry about while hitting on you. So don't fuss, brat."

"Okay." The duo sank into a comfortable silence for a time, enjoying the pleasure of each other's company. Deidara sighed and rested his head against Sasori's shoulder, letting out a content sigh when the puppet master kissed his forehead. "You remember the first time we kissed, un?"

"It was right after we painted our mural. That paint was a bitch to get out of my hair, you know."

"Well if you had held me steady, it wouldn't have spilled on you in the first place, un."

"Brat. You remember the first time we got crammed into the floorboard of the Akatsuki car?"

"Kami, that was bad," Deidara laughed. "It took us forever to figure out how to sit comfortably, un. What about the time we had our pancake fight?"

"Or the time you set your kitchen on fire?"

"Remember the day the AC broke, and we couldn't even have the sheets on the bed because it was so hot, un?"

"That was worse than the car," Sasori chuckled as he pulled Deidara closer. "You remember the first time I said I love you?"

"No, when-" Deidara's inquiry was cut off by Sasori smashing his lips against the blond's. The kiss was sweet, full of passion, and everything warm and kind Deidara had ever known times a thousand. The bomber's arms moved on their own, wrapping around Sasori's neck in order to draw the Akasuna in closer. Sasori's response was to encircle the blond's waist with his own arms, drawing the pair incredibly close as their kiss continued.

When the two finally pulled back, it was with more than a bit of reluctance for both of them. "Just now. I love you, Deidara." The blond was unable to keep a small gasp from escaping his lips as his cheeks flushed red. "I'm not saying this because of what's happened lately, or what might happen in the future. I'm telling you this because right here, right now, I love you more than anyone or anything else.

"Danna…" Deidara pulled the redhead to his chest, crushing the Akasuna in a bear hug. "Sasori, I just…"

"Shh. You're going to start crying again, and I just got you to stop."

"Right." Deidara loosened his grip slightly, pulling back far enough to give Sasori another kiss, this one chaste and brief. "I really don't know what I'd without you, danna."

"Same for me, Deidara. But we're together right now, so don't worry. Just cuddle."

"Can do, un."

-n-

"Well?" Anna demanded.

Prudence chose to ignore the irate tone of her leader's voice, instead focusing on the task at hand. The Shakespeare Revival Movement's bus was parked on the side of the road, with Prudence poking around the engine and Anna standing nearby to supervise. The younger blonde dug through the workings of her precious bus for a few more seconds, then sighed and stood up, wiping the oil from her hands onto her overalls. "Well the fan belt snapped, two of our spark plugs have completely frayed through, the carburetor's cracked right down the middle, and we've blown at least two fuses." The mechanic sighed and untied her checkered bandana to wipe the sweat off her face. "Hate to say it chief, but ol' Penny isn't going anywhere fast."

Anna swore hard enough to nearly make her glasses slide off her nose. "I don't suppose there's any chance you can fix this with duct tape and PVC piping like we usually do, is there?"

Prudence looked at Anna like the troupe leader had grown a second head. "Anna, this is a 6 cylinder AEC AV590 engine with 4-speed semi-automatic transmission. It's a very old, very delicate piece of equipment that requires precise maintenance and parts to run. Frankly, I'm amazed the patch jobs you've made me do in the past have held up this long. The only way we're getting this bus moving again is by finding a junkyard and salvaging parts from a bus of the same or similar model. And considering it's amazing we found this bus on this side of the pond, so to speak, we'll need a miracle for that to happen."

"Right, here's what we're going to do," Anna immediately replied. "I'll tell the others we're setting up shop here for a few days. You fish out one of the bicycles leftover from Hamlet: On Bikes! and see if Maria can't locate a junkyard or something on her satellite imaging. Once you've done that, take off."

"You're sending me off into the desert, all by myself without anyone coming along to protect me?!" Prudence gasped in horror. The two blondes stared at each other in silence for a few minutes, before both of them burst into peals of laughter. "Oh god, that one never gets old," the mechanic gasped out through bouts of chuckles.

"No kidding," Anna agreed. "Seriously though, make sure you take some of your wrenches along, just in case."

"Already pocketed my three-quarters and five-eighths," Prudence confirmed.

"Great. See about getting those directions. We've got enough supplies to keep us going for several days, maybe a week and a half tops. After that, we're going to be pretty low on water, and in the middle of a desert, I'm not banking on any rainstorms to refill our supplies. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good." With a plan in motion, Anna went back inside the bus to alert the troupe about the most recent change of plans. Time to make camp.


	17. Chapter 16

Anna waited until her best friend was naught but a tiny denim speck in the distance before alerting the SRM members of the change in plans. The sandy-blonde knew the odds of her actors wanting to stay in a desert wasteland were extremely low, so their mechanic/only decent driver needed to be long gone when the announcement was made. Speaking of which…

The troupe leader walked to the back of the bus and began cranking the handle on their Army-issued storm siren (stolen for last winter's hit, Bomb with the Wind). There were a number of crashes and several screams of surprise, before one of the troupe members opened the rear window and poked his head out. "What is it, boss?" Desmond grumbled before letting out a yawn. "It's only seven. Some of us were hoping to sleep."

"Change of plans, you little prop gopher," Anna snapped back. "The bus is broken and Prudence had to go out for parts. Get everyone up and start unpacking; we're gonna be camping for a few days."

-n-

"Little girly boy, little girly boy! You is needing to be getting up now."

Haku groaned and poked his head out from the surprisingly warm and soft pile of ball gowns that served as his bedding. He'd never been much of a morning person, and usually refused to even open his eyes this early unless it was Zabuza doing the waking. "Rostov, what is it?"

"Firstly, you will be wanting to stay away from the females for a while. You is looking very adorable with bedhead. Second, the devil woman is wanting us to make camp. The SRM is to be here for a few days."

"What?! Why?" Haku demanded, now wide awake and sitting bolt upright.

"The bus is being broken, I think, and the mechanic is off to salvage parts like villagers gutting fresh yak!" The foreigner exclaimed in delight. "But right now, you and I is needed to pitch the mess tent. You would not believe how much of these peoples sets is actually usable in real life! We is even having a full-functional hospital room."

"I understand," Haku responded, eyes looking away from his friend. "Would you mind leaving now? I need a few moments to freshen up."

"Certainly! Just be quick; devil woman is not happy about us needing to stay put instead of finding her fair maiden."

"I'm going to need to ask him about that devil woman thing," Haku muttered as the dark-haired male wandered off to help pitch tents. But, there were bigger problems right now. This stop was a major setback, and as much as it pained him to do it, his partner would need to be alerted.

The teen quickly dug out his satellite phone and dialed the only phone number he'd ever needed to call. There was a silent pause, a few rings, and then… "Martini's Pizza Parlor, what can I get you?"

"The delivery boy has crashed, understand?"

"…How long?"

"A few days. We're stranded in the desert, so there's a good chance I won't arrive in time to make the delivery."

"Well do you need another piz- ah, fuck it. Can you survive on your own while I get the target, or do I need to rescue you?"

Haku knew Zabuza didn't mean to hurt him, but the teen's stomach still tied itself in knots when the older man implied that he would need to be rescued. He wanted to be Zabuza's partner, not a tag-along that needed to be babysat while the older man did all the hard work. This mission was supposed to be his chance to prove that he was a worthy partner, one who could be trusted to assist Zabuza with both small jobs and larger assignments as well. Of course he could survive! He wasn't the same child Zabuza had picked up all those years ago…"I will be perfectly fine, Zabuza."

"Fine. I'll get you after I finish the assignment."

"Zabuza?"

"What?"

"…I'm sorry I couldn't be of more use to you." Haku heard a muttered, 'Whatever,' and then a click and the dial tone. It was enough to make the teen cry, even though he couldn't even remember the last time he'd felt tears well up in his eyes.

"Haku?"

The distressed boy's head shot up to look into the eyes of Maria. "Look, I know the author's trying to build up dramatic tension with you," she went on, "but we have to get this story underway. So hurry up and get outside so we can mock the sacred name of theatre and I can die a little on the inside."

"Um…o…k?"

"Good. Now c'mon; we've work to do."

-n-

If there was a way to possibly describe the current setup of the camp, it could be said to look like a cross between a military encampment and medieval village, mixed with a tropical beach and flea market. Most of the tents had been built close enough that scenery backdrops could be draped between two roofs, providing shaded walkways for the thespians to travel. The props were scattered here and there in a fashion both comical and somewhat disturbing. From what Haku could tell, their good tents were serving as public service areas (medical bay, mess tent, and so on) whereas the troupe members were to sleep in building facades that had sheets stapled to the back in order to form makeshift domiciles. "How are they able to fit all of this as well as the actors inside one bus?" Haku pondered aloud.

"Little girly boy!"

Haku turned to see a cheery Rostov running up to him at top speed. "Rostov, my name is Haku. I've told you this several times," the boy softly chastised.

The black market dealer's face fell at the words. "I is sorry Haku, but I is terrible with names." Rostov's sadness quickly fell away, however, when he remembered why he'd come to see his friend in the first place. "The mess tent is already up, but I have good news! You and I will be sharing a tent by the palm trees! Sorry I was not asking your opinion on this, but the only other option for you was being put in tent next to devil woman, and-"

"Thank you kindly, Rostov," Haku cut in. The boy was truly grateful; aside from being absolutely terrifying, Anna was sharp as a tack and sneaky as a fox, and both of those things made it all the more difficult for him to remain undercover. The further away from Anna he could be, the better.

"Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?" The trio turned to see Lennon wandering towards them, a forlorn look on his face. "Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day?"

"Worried about your sister, Lennon?" Maria inquired. The hippie nodded, looking even more depressed now that his fear has been spoken aloud. Maria gave him a weak smile and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Well don't worry, I'm sure the author's not ready to get rid of her yet. Besides, Anna wouldn't let anything happen to us. Well, most of us besides you, I guess."

"ALL RIGHT BUMS, LISTEN UP!" Speak of the devil; and Haku meant that literally, not figuratively.

Anna marched her way to the center of camp to stand on a pillar of palm trees and faux marble, giving her the ability to look over the entirety of her troupe and base. The leader was currently donning a large sun hat and pastel green sundress, and looked about as happy to be stuck in the desert heat as everyone else. "Our bus finally gave up the ghost and broke down around four a.m. today. Prudence had to go up the highway and see about scrounging up some parts, and until then we're not going anywhere fast. Finish setting up the camp, then find some more desert-appropriate clothing. We should have some lightweight stuff leftover from Clarence of Romania and South Side Serenade, and we can't have any of you collapsing from heat exhaustion. The cooks will have dinner ready around five, and until then, Lennon will be providing entertainment. Thank you, and don't break anything in camp or I'll mount your kneecaps over my bunk." As quickly as she'd appeared the woman was gone, probably to monitor the cooks.

"Please be excusing me Haku, but devil-lady was wanting me to help with the cooking."

Haku quirked at brow at the elder male. "You cook?"

"Ya! It comes with the territory of being an outlaw. I is good with beans, grains, and squirrels! Anywho, please be taking care until I get back, all right?"

"Sure thing."

"Hey, new kid!"

Haku spun around to see one of the male actors haling him from a nearby tent. "You know how to set a sprained wrist? One of our guys hurt himself moving the glockenspiels!"

Haku nodded and slowly made his way over to the injured thespian. Even if he couldn't be useful to Zabuza, he could be useful to these people.

-n-

Sasori was in no mood to wake up when he felt Deidara stir in his arms and sit up. The duo had been up all night talking and then going to bed long after even Pein and Konan had settled in, meaning that the van was rather cramped when they finally crawled in. He'd been hoping that they could sleep until late in the afternoon, and when they awoke the group would already be traveling. So why in heaven's name was Deidara up now? "Brat, come back here," he grumbled while attempting to drag the bomber back down.

Deidara, however, was having none of it and batted Sasori's hands away. "Something just exploded, un."

Ok, now the redhead was awake. Immediately Sasori set about waking the others, starting with Pein in the front seat and repeating the blond's words. "Do you have any idea what or where it was?" he inquired while shaking Kakuzu awake.

"I can't tell one without the other, un," Deidara unhappily admitted. "But if I had to guess, it was probably a low-grade explosive roughly half a mile off, or a gunshot much closer."

"Probably some dumbass shooting those fucking armadillos," Hidan suggested sleepily as Kakuzu hauled him into an upright position.

Unfortunately, that idea was quickly destroyed when the group heard the roar of a car's engine fast approaching, followed by another gunshot that blew off the van's left side mirror. Konan and Pein immediately ducked down in their seats for cover, while the rest of the group (save for Zetsu) flattened themselves against the van's rear floorboard. A moment later the foreign engine silenced itself, indicating that whoever had approached them was stopped. "Attention, Akatsuki members!" a low, male voice called out. "I'm here to capture you. A few things you ought to know: I'm not with the cops, so I won't go out of my way to do things legally. Also, my job's to bring you in alive or dead, so don't try anything funny. I don't want to waste any more bullets, and you don't want to lose any of your friends. I'll give you two minutes to make up your mind before I start shooting again."

"Shit, who the hell's after us this time?" Hidan growled from under Kakuzu, who was doing his best to be a human shield for the Jashinist.

"Pein, what do we do?" Kisame whispered from the backseat. The rest of the group immediately began tossing out inquiries of their own, hoping the ginger would have an answer. As incompetent as Pein could be at times, he was still their leader, and tended to be rather reliable in pinches like this.

"…Konan, do you have a mirror?"

"Um, just my compact, why?"

"Give it here," Pein demanded. While the female was rifling through the glove compartment to find the item in question, Pein turned to look into the back seat and looked to Deidara. "Deidara, if there was ever a time to admit you smuggled in explosives against my permission, now would be it."

"Just a few cherry bombs and flares, un," Deidara hurriedly replied. "But I can't do any damage if I don't know where he is, un!"

"Here it is," Konan suddenly cried out, before handing the compact to Pein.

The leader quickly took the mirror and flipped it open. Quickly yet carefully, Pein adjusted the mirror's angle to reflect off the two remaining car mirrors that hadn't been shot off yet, and a moment later he smiled. "He's about sixty feet off, directly behind us. Deidara, would you be willing to try something a little risky?"

"…Un?"

-n-

Zabuza was leaning against the side of his jeep, grinning wickedly as he reloaded his gun. It hadn't been too hard to pick up the Akatsuki's trail after they'd fled the JRCH, and he'd finally been able to catch up. From what he'd seen after the previous night's scouting, the idiots were neither armed nor dangerous at the moment. So, all he had to do was wait for their surrender, turn them into his client, and get the reward. And after that, Haku.

Zabuza's smile faltered ever so slightly at the thought of the younger man. He should've known better than to take Haku on a mission like this before giving the boy more field experience. But in the eleven years they'd been living together, Zabuza had never been able to turn down any of the boy's requests; though to be fair, the number of requests Haku had ever made could be counted on one hand.

Besides, it had been obvious for years now that Haku would be the perfect partner for him. The kid was sharp, fast, nimble, and more than that, loyal to Zabuza with every fiber of his being. Besides, Haku was fifteen now. At that age, Zabuza had done enough things to be permanently locked away in the darkest, dankest prison the world had to offer. Hell, the only good thing he'd ever done was take in a kid ten years his junior.

"I gave that kid a home, food, even his name," Zabuza growled to himself. "There's nothing wrong with having him work off that debt, right?"

The hitman's musings were disturbed by the sound of an engine starting. So, the fools were going to try running? Fat chance. In an instant Zabuza's handgun was aimed at the driver's seat, ready to kill-

When all of a sudden, the tires squealed and the car floored it _in reverse_.

It took Zabuza all of two seconds to realize he was standing between a huge van and his Jeep, and that was probably not a good place to be. "Shit!" he screamed and barrel-rolled out of the way, right before the van's bumper collided with the side of his vehicle.

Before Zabuza had time to gather his wits and shoot the living daylights out of the Akatsuki van, the back door swung open to reveal a blond teenager, shaking from either shock or rage. "Take this, un!" the teen yelled as he hurled a hissing orb towards the man. Wait, hissing? Shit, a bomb!

Zabuza dove out of the way once again, keeping his eyes trained on the explosive-

BOOM

-right until the thing went off and blinded him. The man cried out in pain and collapsed to the ground, covering his damaged eyes and trying to blink away the blindness. A flash bomb; how did he not see that coming?

He had bigger problems to worry about though. Another boom went off immediately after the first, and this time he could feel a much worse heat and shockwave from it. That was definitely an explosive designed to damage, not blind.

Slowly, blurry colors and shapes returned to his vision, but not before he heard the sound of squealing tires once again invading his ears. By the time his vision returned to normal, the Akatsuki van was gone and the front end of his Jeep was in flames.

Zabuza swore loudly and began hauling his bags out of the wreck vehicle before they too caught fire. "I'm gonna need a new car."

-n-

"Oww, my eyes, un," Deidara whimpered as he sank down into his seat.

"Brat, why did you look right at it if you knew it was going to blind you?" Sasori admonished as he drew Deidara into the safety of his arms.

"If he saw me looking away, he might have done the same, un!"

"Well the taillights are fine," Kakuzu informed Pein after a brief inspection. The group had stopped long enough to look over the vehicle, in order to make sure there weren't any damages that might cause the police to pull them over. "The bumper's dented all to hell though, but we can still drive."

"Jashin-damnit, Pein, that was some crazy shit you pulled back there," Hidan remarked with a grin of delight. "Looks like I'm finally rubbing off on you. Hell, at this rate you'll convert in no time!"

"Don't count on it. Now let's get going." With that, Pein started the car and pulled back onto the road.

"Who was that psycho?" Konan asked once they were moving again. "And for that matter, who told him to come after us?"

"I don't know," Pein admitted. "But I do know we need to hurry up and get to Zetsu's house to hide. It's another few days' drive west, and that's if Konan and I drive nonstop."

Kisame became visibly distressed at this point. "Itachi-"

"Is probably a hell of a lot safer away from us right now," Pein interjected. "That guy probably thinks Itachi is with us now, so your boyfriend is safest as far away as possible. Understand?"

"…"

"Kisame, we'll find him and bring him back to us, I promise. But right now our focus has to be getting Zetsu his medicine and then laying low. Looking for Itachi would only put all of us in danger."

"All right," Kisame finally conceded. "But that doesn't mean I have to like it."

-n-

Later that night, the SRM members were gathered around a campfire, stuffing their faces and laughing to one another. It turned out that Rostov, being a jack of all trades, had a bit of musical skill and was now playing a chipper little tune on the group's piano. Lennon was quick to join in with his guitar, and was now singing the latest song he'd written. He was hoping to do a romance skit in the SRM's next show, with Anna's permission of course. "Desmond has his burrow in the marketplace, Molly is the singer in a band! Desmond says to Molly 'Girl, I like your face.' And Molly says this as she takes him by the hand…"

"Having fun, Haku?" the incredibly embarrassed Desmond inquired.

Haku was squished between several actors, something that should have made him very uncomfortable given how his day had gone. In truth, the boy normally recluse hadn't gotten a moment of peace or privacy since this morning. As soon as he'd dressed one actor's sprained wrist, another had needed his help moving the orchestra's equipment out of the sun. Then, he was needed to help air the laundry that had just been washed (and judging from how filthy the water became, the wash was long overdue). Things had continued in much the same way, right until the sun began to set and the dinner bell rang. Now, he was tired, full, and surrounded by happy actors. But when he answered, it was with an honest and truthful, "Very much."

"Great!" Desmond cheerily exclaimed. "It's awesome having you here, Haku. We can't ever keep guys around because Anna's so vicious, and you're actually useful."

"Thank you," Haku murmured as he blushed.

"Cut it out Desmond," Maria ordered. "Or his whole head's going to start blushing."

As he listened to the thespians around him bicker, laugh, and sing, Haku felt a smile creep across his face as a warm feeling spread throughout his chest. Due to the lifestyle he and Zabuza led, the teen had never had playmates his own age, or really any friends at all. To be among his peers, to have them accept him into their circle and treat him like a friend was something he'd never imagined happening to him. "_This is…nice,_" he decided. "_Zabuza, I'll spend my days waiting for you to find me and take me home. But until that moment arrives, I think I'll be happy right where I am."_


	18. Chapter 17

-one day later-

The sun was high in the sky over K & G's Automotive Emporium. The store was a nice enough place, given the business it dealt in. Junked cars were kept in the back lot, the rows being exactly three cars high and five long, with the odd row out that had semis or large buses that were next to impossible to stack. The store's interior contained all the new or tiny pieces of equipment that needed to be kept on shelves or racks to avoid getting lost or damaged, and to the very back, one could find the two owners' main office. Currently though, the store's proprietors were seated in a set of matching rocking chairs on the front porch, watching the world go by in a comfortable silence.

The elder owner slowly rocked his squeaky chair back and forth, quietly thinking to himself. Finally, he turned to his right to look at his younger brother/business partner. "Say, Gaara."

The redhead turned to look at his brother. "Yeah Kankuro?"

"Think it'll rain today?"

"Mm."

"Didn't rain yesterday. Didn't rain the day before. Ain't rained in nearly two weeks."

"Mm."

"Think we gotta chance of rain tonight?"

"I reckon."

"Know what else we ain't seen in two weeks? A customer."

"Mm."

"Think it's the store name?"

"I reckon."

"I mean, think about it. We call an au-to-mo-tive em-por-i-um, right? Well that's a mighty fancy name for the mighty plain shop we got here, ain't it?"

"I reckon."

"You know what? I think I'll change it iffen we don't get a customer soon."

"Mm." Satisfied, the two brothers fell back into their normal silence. That is, until Gaara noticed a strange shape coming up over the horizon. "Say, Kankuro. What d'ya reckon that is?"

The elder brother brunette male squinted in the direction Gaara was pointing, but although he was able to spot what his brother was pointing to, he hadn't a clue what it could be. "Wait here, an' keep an eye on that there thingamabob." Kankuro quickly stood and dashed into the building. Gaara sat on the front porch, watching the strange, far-off lump as the sounds of Kankuro rummaging through the store drifted out of the door. A minute later the elder male was back with a set of binoculars in hand. "Still out there?"

"Mm."

"All righty then, let's see what we got here…" Kankuro trained the binoculars on the shape, adjusting the lenses for several moments before finally settling on a setting. "Is that-well fry me a cactus and call it dinner! Gaara, lookit."

The redhead took the binoculars to see what had his brother in stitches, focusing on the ever-growing speck in the distance. When he was finally able to make out the shape, his eyes widened. "Is that…?"

"Three kids driving a golf cart down a deserted highway when it's hotter'n Satan's toenails out? Yup. Think they'll stop here iffen we flag 'em down?"

"I reckon."

-n-

"Uncle Itchy, I'm hooooot," Tenshi whined from her seat.

"Me tooooo," Boom added, draped across the back seat like a dead animal. "And thirsty."

"I know, but we can't do anything right now," Itachi admitted reluctantly. "There's nothing around for miles."

"Well it looks like there might be someone, at least," Tenshi stated. "Look!" The girl jabbed a finger ahead of them, drawing her friends' attention to an approaching vehicle that Itachi was quite sure hadn't been on the road a moment ago.

The trio watched with mild curiosity as the vehicle, which they now recognized as an ATV, drove closer and closer, before slowing down and stopping a few meters ahead of them. Once the engine was shut off, a brunette wearing oil-slicked overalls and a green baseball cap to keep the sun out of his eyes smiled and waved to the group. "Howdy folks," he called out. "How ya doin'?"

"We've been better," Tenshi informed him before her godfather could brush off the friendly newcomer. If there was a person out here, then civilization couldn't be too far off, and the last thing they needed was Itachi's grouchy and aloof demeanor driving off their only hope of salvation. "We're hot, thirsty, and stuck in this golf cart in the middle of a desert."

"I gathered that much when my brother spotted y'all drivin' along. Oh, before I forget, name's Kankuro."

"I assume that means you have a house of some sort out here?" Itachi inquired hopefully.

Kankuro nodded and jerked his thumb in the direction he'd come from, bringing looks of relief to all three teens' faces. "Yup. If y'all wanna follow me, I'll see about getting' you folks some water and shade. We'll worry about your cart then." Itachi nodded in agreement, which Kankuro took as a sign to start his engine and turn around. In a moment, both vehicles were heading towards Kankuro's shop.

-n-

"Ah, that hit the spot!" Boom joyfully declared as she downed her third glass of water. Currently she, Tenshi, Itachi, Kankuro and Gaara were gathered in the office of the auto shop, drinking glass after glass of water and soaking in the AC as Itachi related their tragic tale, starting with a brief summary of his friends and what had put them on the run, their journey and separation, and finally his and the girls' arrival at the brothers' shop.

"Well that's the craziest story we've heard since that band o' hippies came by on an acid trip an' half o' them were on fire. Ain't that right Gaara?"

"I reckon."

"Well folks, you got about as much chance of catchin' up to your friends on a golf cart as a snowman survivin' in this desert."

"We know," Itachi admitted. "But at the time we had no other options."

"I ain't sayin' it was a bad idea, just not…Gaara, what am I tryin' to say?"

"It ain't viable over an extensive period of time."

"Right, that. Soo, what say me an' my brother here fix you folks up with somethin' nicer than a golf cart?"

"You really have working cars here?" Boom eagerly inquired. "Not just scrap parts and old rusted out shells out back?"

"Course! 'Sides, what kind of man would I be iffen I let a couple o' pretty girls like you go back out there in that desert heat in nothin' but a ratty ol' golf cart?" Kankuro went on, making both Tenshi and Boom giggle and blush.

Itachi rolled his eyes at his female companions, completely impervious to the dealer's charm. They needed to get down to business so he could get back on the road and catch up to the Akatsuki. "Hn?"

"Er, what?" Kankuro asked, looking first to Itachi and then at the girls in a rather confused manner.

"Sorry, he does that sometimes," Tenshi apologized while shooting her godfather a look. How he'd managed to get a boyfriend in the first place while being so anti-social was still a mystery to her. This Kisame fellow must be something else. Which brought her back to the present issue of translating for her cousin so they could get this show back on the road. "He was wondering what kind of price range we're dealing with."

Immediately Kankuro shifted from mild-mannered hick to slick as oil businessman. "Well if you trade in the golf cart and go for the bare minimum on a car, you'd still owe about…this much," he figured, writing a number on a sticky note and passing it to Itachi.

The weasel looked at the number, blanched, then grabbed a pen and cleared his throat. "Here's what I can provide," he replied, writing down another, smaller figure beneath the original number.

"Itachi, I don't think they'll like that," Boom whispered when she noticed the difference in prices.

"How do you even have that kind of money anyway?" Tenshi whispered. Even if the number was smaller, it was still a sizable sum of cash.

"After Otogakure attacked us, Zetsu gave all of us prepaid cards with enough money on them to last us for several weeks, should the need arise. The only condition was that we save them for an emergency, and I'm certain this counts."

"Well I don't like that number much," Kankuro grumbled, "but business is hard to come by 'round these parts, and like I said, I can't send these two ladies back into the desert with that golf cart."

"Give me a compromise then," Itachi requested.

Kankuro leaned back in his chair, pondering the situation as he tried to come up with a solution that would leave the trio of newcomers with a vehicle and himself with a decent chunk of income. Suddenly he sat upright and snapped his fingers, an 'a-ha' look on his face. "Got it. Gaara an' me picked up a few ATVs last week, and they're in real good shape. They ain't much for shade, but they're fast as greased lightning and get great mileage. I'll even throw in a free set o' helmets to get y'all started."

"You mean it?!" Boom squealed and dove across the desk to give Kankuro a bear hug. "Thank you thank you thank you!"

"Aw shucks," was all Kankuro could reply. At least he had the decency to blush. Their business dealings were interrupted, however, by the sound of the front door opening and closing. "Hoo-wee, business is booming," Kankuro remarked. "Guess I don't need to change our name after all. Gaara, think you can take care o' our new guest?"

"I reckon."

-n-

"Hello? HELLO?" Prudence called out, hoping that there was someone in the shop. She'd been pedaling down the road nonstop and had been fortunate enough to stumble upon this establishment, which miracle of miracles seemed to have a junkyard out back. There had to be some pieces back there that she could use for Penny, and if not, they were certain to be parts that she could warp and weld into temporary fixes. First things first though; she needed to know if the shop owners were in, or if she'd have to go the route of taking parts and leaving a reasonable sum of money on the counter.

Suddenly a redhead in jeans and a wife-beater walked out of the back room, and judging from his easy-going demeanor he was probably a worker here, as opposed to another confused customer like herself. "Hi, do you work here?" Prudence asked hopefully.

"Mm," the man answered with a short nod.

"Great," the mechanic breathed with a sigh of relief. "Because I'm looking for these (here she fished out a list of necessary parts from her pocket) and need to know if you have any of them."

Gaara skimmed over the list and whistled afterwards. "These parts are mighty hard to find ma'am. And how'd you let the engine get so bad?"

"Hey, I'm on a tight budget, and a 6 cylinder AEC AV590 engine isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world to find around here," Prudence grumbled.

Gaara nodded in understanding and looked over the list once more. "I think we've got an old engine out back you could use. Course, it's been there since my daddy owned this here shop, so no telling if anything still works."

"Great, I'll find whatever parts I can get and bring them in here to pay. That sound good?"

"I reckon."

"All right, let's get you folks on the road," Kankuro's voice cut in. Prudence and Gaara turned to see the elder store owner leading his three customers out of the office and into the main room. The brunette soon caught site of Prudence and smiled at the woman. "Everything all right, ma'am?"

"Great, thanks. I just need to grab a few engine parts and then I'll be on my way." The girl gave a polite nod to the trio behind Kankuro, and ended up walking with them out back to the junkyard, since they were going the same way.

"Right then, the ATVs will be parked 'round here somewhere…ma'am, what're you lookin' for, exactly?" Kankuro asked as he led the group around the junkyard.

"Found it!" Prudence declared as she ran over to the rusting carcass of what had surely once been a majestic bus. "Yeesh, he wasn't kidding when he said you were in bad shape," she muttered to the poor vehicle. "But deserts are pretty hot and dry, so I doubt there's much rust damage. All right honey, let's pop the hood and see what you've got."

"That lady's a little different than what I'm used to," Kankuro remarked. His attention quickly refocused on the teenage trio behind him, and it was only a few minutes before he came across the purchased ATVs. "All righty, any o' you folks ever ride one o' these things?"

"…"

"…"

"…Well, once I played a video game-"

"Boom, no. Just no."

The brunette owner sighed and shook his head. Figures this would happen. "Right then. Guess I'll give ya a crash course in the basics." Kankuro spent the next few minutes patiently going over every switch and control on the ATV, even going as far as making sure all three of them could turn the machines on and off and drive them forward without crashing. "All righty folks, you're good to go."

"Thank you so much," Itachi stated as he closely watched Tenshi and Boom climb onto their shared ATV.

"Don't mention it. Now there's a town about fifteen miles up the road; you're gonna want to stop there and fill up the gas tanks, ya hear? Ain't no good havin' these here ATVs if you're gonna break down in the desert because you ran outta gas."

"We'll be sure to do that," Tenshi promised as she adjusted her helmet.

"Sweet, this is the best I've felt since we escaped the JRCH!" Boom exclaimed while bouncing up and down in her seat.

Itachi and Tenshi both rolled their eyes at the redhead, whereas Kankuro simply laughed at the girl's antics. "Where're y'all headed after this?"

"My friends should be near Maytown by now," Itachi answered. "Zetsu's home isn't too far away from there. We should be all right if we can make it that far."

"Looks like you three are ready to go. My number's under the hood if y'all need it, and don't be afraid to call. Take care then, and iffen you ever get stuck 'round here again, you're always welcome back!" Kankuro watched the teens start their engines and pull out, ready to go venturing down the highway into the wild unknown.

"Excuse me, sir?"

The brunette turned around and nearly ran smack dab into the sandy-blonde girl, who now had an armful of parts. "I'm ready to pay for this, if you don't mind walking me back in."

"Sure thing ma'am."

As the SRM's mechanic walked into the shop and waited for Kankuro to ring up her purchases, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was a little off about the trio who'd been shopping before her. She wanted to write it off as her thinking a group of teens traveling by themselves through the desert was weird, but that wasn't it. Something about the eldest one…something about their hair and dark eyes… "_Wonder what it could be?_"

The other two seemed normal enough; one was all business, and the other was chipper and cheery. "Well they said they left the JRCH, and I was just there. Maybe I saw them during our show's setup-"

Ho. Lee. Shit.

Several things suddenly clicked into place. The dark hair, slender build, gentle demeanor; the group having fled from the camp; dear god, it was the fair maiden!

"Ingenious," Prudence muttered to herself. "They must have dressed her like a boy after our initial kidnapping attempt, and then had her transported out of the camp for fear of her safety. I'll give them credit; that makeup job was so good, I honestly thought she was a boy."

"All right there ma'am?"

"Huh? Oh, yes." Prudence quickly paid for her parts and shoved them into her backpack, before bolting from the store and hopping onto her bike. She needed to tell this to Anna, and fast.

-n-

"What would you do if I sang out of tune, would stand up and walk out on me?" Several thespians giggled at the suggestion, and then shook their heads at Lennon. Lunchtime had just passed, and now most of the Shakespeare Revival Movement's members were either sleeping or listening to Lennon's newest batch of songs. "Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song, and I'll try not to sing out of key. Ohh, I get by with a little help from my friends, mm, get high with a little help from my friends-"

"Speaking of help, Lennon," Anna cut in, having once again appeared out of nowhere (which managed to scare the living daylights out of her underlings, much to her personal delight), "I'd like your help composing music for our next big production, please. It's going to revolutionize theater; it'll blow everything else right out of the water!"

"Why is she being so polite?" Haku asked Desmond. The boys had been listening to Lennon sing since before lunch was finished, but at Anna's approach had beat a hasty retreat to crouch under a picnic table a few yards away. Call it paranoia, but it only takes one instance of being clocked upside the head by a gutted microwave to realize that maybe your leader isn't the most stable nut job in the psych ward, and a wide berth might be a good idea. "Doesn't she normally threaten him or throw him across camp?"

"Not when it comes to new scripts," Desmond whispered back, just as interested in where this discussion might lead as Haku was. "Lennon may be a little off, but he's a musical genius. Not to mention he's the only one in camp with any sort of musical talent, besides that new guy. So I guess that makes him the only one with musical talents and a firm grasp of the English language."

"Verily," Jude agreed, hiding next to the other boys. "Anna would sooner bite off her own wretched tongue and cast it into the bottomless sea than risk a single droplet of harm poisoning their business dealings."

"You say you want a revolution, well, you know…we all want to change the world," Lennon replied, more focused in finding a good chord for his newest song than working with Anna.

"Yes, but I'm actually going to do it," Anna patiently replied. "Theater changes, and we have to stay on top of that!"

"You tell me that it's evolution, well, you know," Lennon went on. "We all want to change the world."

"So, you in or what?"

"But when you talk about destruction, don't you know you can count me out-"

"WHAT?!"

"Don't you know it's gonna be, all right-"

"IT WILL NOT!" Anna exclaimed in an exasperated manner.

"Uh-oh," Desmond whispered. "Lennon's really pushing it this time."

"Oh, wretched fate! What miscreants drove you against us? What spiteful words brought your wrath upon us? What disrespect persuaded you to drive an accursed wedge between these two?" Jude lamented.

"You people really get into this, don't you," Haku remarked.

Lennon wasn't quite done antagonizing his boss though, and went on with his song. "You say you got a real solution, well, you know, we'd all love to see the plan-"

"That's why I asked for your help! You can see it then!"

"You ask me for a contribution, well, you know, we're doing what we can."

"WE?! Oh, that is it, you tripped out free-loading hippie!" Anna screeched.

"Methinks I just heard our leader's last string of sanity snap," Jude whispered as he, Desmond and Haku cowered in fear. The other thespians had long since fled the scene, but the three boys were petrified and couldn't have moved an inch if their lives depended on it.

"You know something, Lennon? Everyone else in the troupe contributes to everything! They cook, clean, do laundry, bribe people not to sue us, the works! But all you do, day in and day out, is write those flower children songs and make pot brownies! If you're sister wasn't my best friend and the best mechanic this side of the continent, I'd kick you to the curb!" When Lennon seemed unfazed, probably just writing this rant off as yet another one of Anna's outbursts, the troupe leader had no choice but to go in for the kill. "I swear Lennon, you're so useless that if our troupe was a band, you'd be the, the…triangle player!"

There was an audible gasp from the nearby observers as Anna smirked smugly and allowed a moment of silence for her words to sink in. Lennon seemed absolutely shocked, even allowing his glasses to slide off his nose without bothering to catch them. He opened his mouth once, then twice, as though he wanted to reply, but finally stood up, guitar in hand, and stormed off towards the bus.

After several long moments of uncomfortable silence, Jude finally spoke up. "Methinketh the lady doth chastise him too much."

"Yeah boss," Maria added, peaking out from her hiding place behind a stack of crates. "That was pretty harsh, even for you."

"Oh relax," Anna dismissively replied. "He'll be fine." The four members gave her incredulous looks. "What?! He's used to hearing that stuff. By tomorrow, everything will be back to normal."


	19. Chapter 18

"I think this is the right road," Pein muttered to himself.

"Don't tell me we're lost," Kakuzu groaned from the backseat. The group had left behind the desert scenery hours ago, and was now passing from prairie to forest. Needless to say, the members in back were getting rather cramped and irritable, and hoped that they planned destination would be reached soon.

"No, we're fine," Konan reassured the miser, before refocusing her attention on the road ahead of them. "See, there's that apple tree that forks in the middle-"

"Right next to that pink shack," Pein finished. "Yeah, this is definitely the right way."

Konan and Pein had finally confirmed that their next hideout would be Zetsu's parents' home, in the outskirts of a small hamlet known as Maytown. It was a quaint little village on the border of plains and forests, and was something of a retreat for folks looking to get away for a time. Unfortunately it had enough modern amenities to keep away those looking to, "get away from it all and reconnect with nature," but at the same time was too rural to have much pull for tourists. It was quaint, quiet, and secluded, aka exactly what the Akatsuki needed.

"Any idea whether weasel boy knew we were going here next?" Hidan inquired as he lounged against Kakuzu's side.

"Itachi's fairly good about keeping himself up to date with our plans," Sasori reasoned. "We didn't make any plans after this, so it's safe to assume that he'll come here."

"That's good, right?" Deidara inquired. "We should be able to stay here for a while, since it's so far out of the way, un."

"That reminds me," Kakuzu cut in. "Pein, exactly how did Zetsu come to live in Konoha when his parents are staying so far away?"

"And why are we going here when you people had a coronary the first time it was suggested, un?"

"We'll explain everything once we arrive," Pein explained.

"Which shouldn't be much longer-there! We made it!"

Konan's exclamation caused a brief uproar as everyone in the backseat scrambled forward to look out the front window, hoping to discover what sort of home Zetsu's family kept. To neither Pein nor Konan's surprise, there was a long moment of silence that was eventually broken by their ever so profound Jashinist. "What the hell is that?!"

"That's the house," Konan replied.

"That house (and here Kisame accentuated his statement with air quotes) is bigger than our school!"

Kisame's assessment wasn't too far off the mark. The schizo's dwelling was huge, even by mansion standards. The building was three stories of red brick with rows upon rows of glass windows, topped by a light tan roof covered with solar panels. The grounds were covered by bushes and trees of all sorts, and a gravel driveway led to a smaller, house-sized building that one could safely assume to be a garage.

Pein drove the car up to the very edge of the garage before shutting off the engine and climbing out, with Konan fast on his heels. The duo approached the house and then began peering into the windows one by one. After a few moments they returned to the van and opened the rear door. "No one's home," Pein informed his friends. "Not that I expected much different. Let's get inside."

"Pein, Tobi is confused," the Uchiha called out as he led Zetsu towards the house. "C'mon Zetsu, Tobi needs you to follow him right now."

"Same here, un. How the heck does Zetsu's family have so much money?"

"And what's with their décor?" Kakuzu asked as he stepped into the mansion.

The house's interior was eclectic at best, and a tornado-swept flea market at worst. The entrance hall was covered in spears, reeds, and knives on the walls. Notes scribbled in hasty handwriting could be found on loose leaf paper, sticky notes, and newspaper clippings, which were pinned onto any surface that hadn't been covered by the decorations. Now that the entire group was inside, they also noticed the mansion was rather warm, and somewhat humid. "Ok, Sir Leader," Hidan growled while warily eyeing an angry-looking wooden statue resting on a nearby table. "Spill. What the hell is going on?"

The Akatsuki leader sighed and began searching the hallway for something. "Zetsu's mother and father are an anthropologist and archaeologist, respectively, specializing in lost cultures of South America. You name a lost civilization that's recently been rediscovered, and those two will have played a part in finding it. They've made a fortune off of writing books and papers on the places they've seen, or making guest appearances on history programs about the ancient people they've found. They own a house here for vacation, but lived with Zetsu in Konoha because they're both professors at the university. I didn't expect to find them staying here because they prefer to spend their vacation time doing field research instead of relaxing."

"So why the hell were you two going crazy when we suggested staying here?!" Kakuzu demanded.

Pein let out a sigh of relief; he'd found what he'd been seeking, which was the house thermostat. "Because," he went on while turning the heat down to a more reasonable level, "Zetsu's parents tend to deeply immerse themselves in their work. Something about it helping them to understand the cultures they're studying or something. The problem is they don't seem to know where to draw the line between cultural immersion and sheer crazy."

"They made me eat a guinea pig," Konan whimpered. "One that I'd fed and held. I was only nine."

"Needless to say, Konan spent the rest of the vacation barricaded in her room, and we never visited here on break ever again."

"…Oh."

"Yes, oh. Now if you people would quit gaping for a bit, we need to unload the car and clean out a few rooms for sleeping. Unless there's someone here who'd like to cuddle with an Olmec curse doll-" the others dashed out of the room at lightning speed, leaving behind a peaceful silence and smug leader. "That's what I thought."

-several unpleasant hours of moving and unpacking later-

"Urgh, finally," Hidan grumbled as he flopped facedown onto his newly acquired bed. He and Kakuzu had spent a good amount of time moving various pieces of furniture out of the room so that there was enough space to actually access the bedroom's mattress and dresser. After that, the pair had to bring their things in and unpack, and then Hidan had taken it upon himself to run all over the house and bless it in Jashin's name, in the hope of deterring any vengeful, wicked spirits that might have been disturbed during the Akatsuki's move-in. "You have no idea how fucking exhausting it is to spook-proof a house this big."

"Do tell," Kakuzu sarcastically replied as he placed the last article of clothing into the dresser.

"I'm serious!" Hidan whined as he rolled over onto his back. "This place has rooms in its rooms! It's like one of those trippy-ass paintings that go on forever!"

"Why are you even in here? This house is obviously large enough for you to have your own room."

Hidan snorted in disbelief. "You and I don't sleep apart, dumbass. Besides, this 'house' is straight out of some shitty horror movie. No way I'm sleeping alone."

Kakuzu chuckled and crossed to the room to where Hidan lay, leaning down over the Jashinist and placing his hands on either side of his boyfriend's head. "What, you want me to protect you from the big scary ghosts?"

Hidan rolled his eyes a second time, but did it with a smirk as he reached up and ruffled the miser's hair. "Not a chance, dumbass. I'm the one who's gonna be protecting you."

"Right, the future priest needs practice with exorcisms." Hidan's smirk fell at the remark, causing Kakuzu's to vanish as well. "Hidan, what did Kakashi mean by that?"

"It's nothing," Hidan hastily promised. "At least nothing you need to worry about."

"Hidan-"

"It's an old Jashinist legend. Supposedly if a kid's born with white or silver hair, the little fucker's destined to be a great Jashinist priest or some shit. That's part of the reason my family was so gung-ho about shipping me off to live with you asshats; probably thought it'd be good practice for my future career."

"Does the legend say anything about sucking at converting heathens?"

"Dumbass. And I think I'm getting somewhere with Pein in the ass."

"One impromptu car wreck and explosion does not a Jashinist make," Kakuzu cautioned.

"Tch, just ruin all my fun why don't ya." Kakuzu merely rolled his eyes at this and swooped down to kiss Hidan on the lips. The Jashinist, while surprised, quickly returned the kiss and yanked the miser closer. Kakuzu was more than happy to climb all the way on top of the smaller male, pinning the masochist to the bed under his larger frame.

This, Kakuzu decided, was bliss. He and Hidan hadn't been able to get any privacy for a long time; at least, none that didn't involve hiding out in the woods and getting eaten alive by bugs. To be alone together in a locked bedroom was a gift from heaven. Here, he could hold and kiss the younger male to his heart's content, without hearing any catcalls and jibes from the other members. More than this, at times like these a softer (not gentle, Hidan could never be truly gentle) and submissive side came out of his partner. Hidan's violent and obnoxious behaviors were toned down in these moments, replaced by exploring hands and needy moans. These moments were all too rare, and warmed Kakuzu from the inside out.

At least until Hidan started yanking his hair and telling the miser to hurry it up. Then things went from sweet to _fun_ in no time flat. Kakuzu grinned as he slipped a hand under Hidan's shirt, ghosting his fingers over the Jashinist's abs in a way he knew would irritate the living daylights out of Hidan. Soon the smaller male would be trembling and yanking on his hair, begging Kakuzu for more-

A knock on the door interrupted the duo's fun, causing both of them to let out sighs of frustration. "**Fuck. Off.**" Hidan yelled to the intruder. "We're naked and there's a bunch of crap plugged in." Kakuzu, having a bit more common decency than his partner, rolled his eyes and climbed off the bed to see who was at the door.

The banker was more than a bit surprised to see Kisame at the door, seeing as the only person who normally had the audacity to interrupt the couples when their door was locked was Pein. "Kisame?"

"Hey, uh…is this a bad time?" the shark queried, visibly blanching after hearing Hidan's comment.

"No, Hidan's just making an ass of himself."

"Fuck you, 'Kuzu!"

The banker shook his head and stepped into the hallway, closing the door behind him so as not to be disturbed by any more of the Jashinist's swearing. "What is it?"

Kisame shifted his weight from side to side in an uneasy manner, clearly not sure what to say to the banker now that he'd gotten Kakuzu's attention. "I don't really know how to put this, but I need your help."

"With what? Financial investments? Or does Pein want us to move more of the furniture?"

"No, no. Geez this is awkward…"

"It can't be that bad. Just say it."

"I need some relationship advice."

Ok, that definitely wasn't what Kakuzu had been expecting to hear. "Come again?" he asked, unsure whether or not he'd heard right.

"Look, you and Hidan are really freakin' weird, don't get me wrong. But out of everyone in the Akatsuki, you guys have the least problems in your relationship. To be honest, you guys argue a lot, but I don't think any of us have seen you two have a serious fight. How do you do it?"

Kakuzu shook his head at the inquiry and laughed. "Finally. Hidan and I have been dying to tell everyone why all of you keep having problems, but we've been trying to mind our own business."

"Wha-"

"You people," Kakuzu went on in an authoritative manner, "have problems because you won't talk out your issues. Ever."

"That's not-"

"It's not entirely your fault. Sasori and Deidara are both artists, so of course they're going to be volatile and dramatic about everything. Pein's so busy trying to take over the world he barely has time for Konan, and she's so wrapped up in keeping the house tidy it's a wonder anything gets done. Zetsu has mental issues, obviously, but Tobi's so sensitive it's ridiculous."

"Which brings us to me and Itachi," Kisame finished. "So what tragic flaw is crippling our relationship?"

"Let me put it this way; Itachi and Hidan actually have some things in common. Like you and I."

"You lost me."

"Kisame, you heard that Hidan got beaten up pretty badly by the Oto while you were gone, right?"

"Yeah." Hearing about what had happened to the Akatsuki in his absence had often been a sore spot for Kisame. It was only a few weeks, but in that time a lot had happened, and on some level the shark believed that if he had been at home, some of their troubles could have been avoided. At the very least, Itachi wouldn't have reverted to a depressed loner who starved himself out of misery.

"When we found him in the front yard," Kakuzu went on, interrupting the shark's reminiscing, "I wanted to bundle him in several layers of bubble wrap and keep him home until things calmed down. But, I didn't. Because I knew that Hidan's harder to crush than a cockroach, and sure enough, he was up and destroying everything a few hours later. See where I'm going?"

"You think I'm too protective of Itachi?"

"Correct."

"Itachi's never said anything-"

"And that is the biggest problem of all," Kakuzu ground out, clearly having wanted to say this for a very long time. "All of you seem oblivious to your issues or ignore the ones you do notice. You let it bottle up until you end up running off or biting each other's heads off! It's infuriating and sometimes I think it'd be best to let Hidan pound some sense into you."

"You seriously expect me to believe that you and Hidan never fight?"

"We fight all the time," Kakuzu admitted. "But that's part of what makes us work. They're just little things like getting him to wake up or spending money on dinner. If something happens that's actually upsetting or hurtful, we'll talk it out." Kisame snickered, making the banker frown. "What?"

"Nothing, it's just, I really can't picture you guys talking your problems out. It's too…too…"

"Normal?"

"Yeah," Kisame admitted.

"Kisame, talk to Itachi," Kakuzu ordered. "He doesn't need to be babied so much, but he has to depend on you for some things. Take it from there."

"You think it'll work?"

"Considering it's you two, yes. Provided you can get him to say more than 'hn'."

"Thanks," Kisame muttered, truly grateful. If anything, talking to someone else about his issues had made them seem less daunting, as though taking them from his mind to the real world had somehow made them easier to tackle. Heh, maybe there was something to that talking out your problems idea. Feeling better, the shark walked off, allowing Kakuzu to reenter the bedroom.

Immediately the miser was assaulted by a flying shirt, courtesy of a certain silver-haired teen. Kakuzu reached up to pull off the clothing, inhaling the salty-sweet scent of Hidan before tossing the shirt aside. "Subtle, Hidan. Very subtle."

"Shut up and get over here," his shirtless boyfriend ordered, arms extended towards the miser in a needy gesture that didn't subside until Kakuzu was back on top of him. "The hell did sharky want?" he murmured, nipping along the banker's collarbone.

"Relationship advice," Kakuzu replied. "Apparently he finally figured out you and I are the only stable ones in this whole organization."

"About damn time someone realized it," Hidan stated before smashing his lips to Kakuzu's. There was a time for talking, and a time for doing things that would curl the hair of little old ladies the world over. Now was the latter.

-n-

_Small feet pattered across the hardwood floor of the apartment, their owner carrying a plate of food in a quick yet careful manner. There was another person resting in the next room that needed to be awoken and fed, as well as be served medicine and have their bandages changed. It was a lot to ask of the six-year-old carrying the plate of food, but for the man in the next room, he'd do anything._

Much to his relief, the brunette male was already awake and sitting up in bed. There had been a few times when he'd attempted to wake the elder male, and nearly was thrown across the room as a result. The man told him it was a reflex for being startled out of sleep, and if the boy wasn't so damn quiet it probably wouldn't happen so often. But there was little the child could do about that, and the man let it go.

Speaking of the elder male, he had finally noticed the dark-haired child approaching. "What's that, Haku?" The child in question approached and held up the plate to the man, known to him only as Zabuza, hoping he would be pleased by the offering. "Peanut butter and jelly? Is that all you can make?"

Haku's eyes fell as he set the plate of food on the bedside table. He'd tried to make other things in the past, but it never ended well. He couldn't reach the microwave yet, and the few attempts he'd made to cook something on the stove had resulted in burning his wrists, which were now wrapped up much like the bandages around Zabuza's arms and torso.

Zabuza had stumbled into their home several nights ago, bruised and battered after disappearing for several days. Haku hadn't been worried during the man's absence; Zabuza would often disappear on him for days at a time, always leaving the boy with plenty of food and returning with a few scrapes. This was the first time that Haku had ever seen the male so injured, and it frightened him somewhat. Zabuza, for his part, took it all in stride, and had ordered Haku to fetch the first aid kit as soon as he was settled onto their bed. Haku had brought the red and white box into their room, and had helped Zabuza to clean and bandage himself. After that, he'd been given strict orders to bring fresh bandages and painkillers in at regular intervals, and to make food for the elder man while he was in bed. Haku had done all these things without a breath of complaint, or a single expectation of thanks. He wanted to be useful to Zabuza however he could be, and this was a welcomed chance for him to show it.

Silently, the boy unwound the bandages around the elder male, setting them in a pile that would soon be thrown into the washing machine. He then handed Zabuza a few painkillers and pulled a fresh roll of bandages out from the box, intent on helping the man redress his wounds. These plans were interrupted, however, when Zabuza caught hold of his wrist, noticing for the first time that the boy was also bandaged. "Haku, what did you do?" No answer, making Zabuza sigh. "Right, I keep forgetting…" Accepting that he wasn't going to get an answer from the younger male, he settled for none too gently undoing the bandages on his own.

When he finally saw the burned skin underneath, his eyes narrowed. "Were you trying to use the stove?" A nod; Haku would always answer yes or no questions. "You know you're too little to use that without me."

Haku nodded, feeling like he was about to cry. Useless! He wanted to help Zabuza, wanted to repay the elder man for everything he'd done, but couldn't even make him a decent meal because he was too small, nothing more than a useless child that needed to be taken care of.

The child's self-berating was interrupted when half his PB&J sandwich was shoved into his hands. "Don't look so sad," Zabuza ordered. "It's not your fault you're just a kid. I'm not mad, just hungry, that's all. Now eat."

Haku nodded and did as instructed, feeling slightly better when Zabuza began eating the other half of the sandwich. Maybe he could be useful after all.

-n-

Haku was abruptly awoken from his dream by Rostov, who was shaking his in a manner most urgent. "Haku, you need to be waking up now!"

"Wha-"

"The nice driver lady is back, but Lennon and scary-boss woman are still acting like goats and foxes!"

"I'm going to assume that's bad," Haku yawned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Ya! Oi, we're going to be stuck in this sand trap forever!"

That caught Haku's attention. Being stuck in the desert for even longer would put him further and further away from the Akatsuki, which meant not getting the job done, which meant letting down Zabuza. None of those things were acceptable in his book. Time to take action. "Rostov, let's go."

"What are we doing?"

"We're going to patch things up between Anna and Lennon."

"But that could be, as you say, bad for our health. I am not wanting to be coming down with a sudden case of death, thank you very much."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Haku replied, his resolve firm. He would not let Zabuza down. Not now, not ever.


	20. Chapter 19

"Wait, how do we have gas money?!" Boom demanded. "I thought you gave everything to that car salesman!"

Itachi turned his head ever so slightly towards the redhead and gave her an incredulous look. "Do you honestly believe I'm foolish enough to waste all our funds on one item?"

"Yeah Boom," Tenshi chipped in. "Give him a little more credit than that."

The trio had managed to make it to the nearby town in a reasonable amount of time, and soon found what appeared to be the lone gas station in the entire settlement. Boom had been anxious as to how they were supposed to pay for their ATVs' fuel, when Itachi had suddenly pulled out his wallet and extracted a few bills that would be more than enough to pay for their gasoline bill, a hotel room, and possibly a large pony as well.

"You were in on it too?! Tenshi, I thought we told each other everything!" Boom whined.

The female Uchiha merely rolled her eyes at her friend's complaint, and then refocused her attention on her godfather. "How did you get all that money?"

"More emergency funds."

"Geez, are you guys running a drug ring or strip club?" Boom murmured in disbelief.

"Hn."

"That's a terrible answer, Uncle Itchy," Tenshi chastised. The conversation was abruptly ended by their stomachs growling in unison, reminding the trio that it had been a very long time since they'd had a proper meal. "Think we could grab some food before we head out?" Itachi silently agreed to this suggestion, and soon the girls had run off to look for an appropriate restaurant at which to dine.

The weasel sighed to himself and began pumping the gas. Truthfully, he would've preferred for the girls to grab something from the gas station snack area, but understood that they'd need full bellies for the next leg of their journey. No point in trying to track down the Akatsuki on an empty stomach and all that. At least this way he'd had time to figure out once they rejoined the Akatsuki.

First off, Kisame. Itachi was becoming increasingly unsure of how he should interact with his boyfriend once the two were reunited. Would he need to apologize, or would another fight immediately break out? If he and Kisame couldn't at least be civil, then there would be trouble in the Akatsuki as a whole. Just look at the mess caused when Deidara and Sasori split.

Second, Boom and Tenshi. At the present time, the Akatsuki members were all wanted criminals, with the exception of Deidara who was believed to be a kidnapping victim. He couldn't let the girls stay with the organization, or they could become guilty by association if the cops caught up to them before Deidara could sort things out. On the other hand, he couldn't rejoin his friends and then leave the boom and Tenshi to fend for themselves. The smart thing to do would be dropping them off in Maytown, but that was banking on the girls being able to contact their parents and explain how they'd managed to get so far away from the JRCH without the aid of an adult.

In the end, Itachi realized that he could probably stand at the gas pumps for hours, thinking about every possible outcome of various solutions to his problems, and he still wouldn't get an answer for what he should do. For now, it was best to focus on catching up to the Akatsuki. The rest could wait. And with the plan decided, Itachi went back to filling the fuel tanks and mused on whether he'd like a cheeseburger or chicken fingers for his next meal.

-n-

"Tobi?" Pein inquired, knocking on the door to the teen's room. Normally the boy would have bunked with Zetsu, but giving the schizophrenic's current state of mind, Pein and Konan had thought it best that Tobi have his own space for a time. It didn't deter the Uchiha from making frequent trips to Zetsu's room at all hours of the day, but it was better than nothing. "Konan and I need to speak to you."

Tobi opened the door a moment later, giving his leader a curious look. "What is it?"

"Konan and I just returned from town. More specifically, the pharmacy." Pein noted Tobi's slight intake of breath, but kept going. "We were able to refill Zetsu's prescription. It's right here-"

"Why hasn't anyone given it to Zetsu yet?!" Tobi demanded. "Even Tobi knows that's the first thing to do right now!" To emphasize his statement, the Uchiha grabbed the leader by his sleeve and began tugging them down the hall in the direction of Zetsu's room.

Pein, however, was not one to be easily moved, and remained rooted to the spot. There was more he had to say, before they could visit his friend. "I know, Tobi, I know. But Konan and I had a long talk about Zetsu on the car ride back home, and we came to a conclusion. She and I have always been the one to look after Zetsu when he gets like this, but when you joined the Akatsuki, you agreed to be his partner. Not her, and not I. This is something that you need to deal with, particularly if you plan to continue your relationship with Zetsu. You've had quite a while to think about this, and if you're still willing to bear that responsibility, we'll go to Zetsu right now and give him the medicine."

"Tobi promises to help," the boy agreed, tone betraying urgency. "Now can Zetsu have his medicine?"

"Of course." The words were no sooner out of his mouth than Sir Leader found himself once again being dragged down the hall in the direction of Zetsu's room. This time, he was a bit more willing to be hauled along.

Konan was already in the room, seated on the bed next to a lethargic Zetsu. She looked up when the pair entered the room, relief the most prominent emotion on her face. Apparently she had been worrying about whether Tobi would accept this responsibility or not. Despite the teen's earlier declaration of fidelity and concern, there had been a chance Tobi would rethink things and back out. A small part of her wouldn't have blamed him. "I have some water to help him take the pill, but you'll need to make him willing to take the medicine first."

Tobi soon learned that fulfilling such a request took a little more effort than simply handing the pill to Zetsu and telling the older man to swallow. Eventually, the Uchiha was forced to step back and watch as Konan and Pein took over, making careful note of their words and method as the schizo was at last made to swallow the capsule. "How long before it kicks in?" Tobi inquired, staring intently at Zetsu as though he expected the change to take hold at any minute.

"Usually a day, probably longer since his body's had time to develop a resistance to the medicine," Pein guessed. "Just keep giving him the pills, and eventually he'll go back to normal. Well, normal for Zetsu anyway. Give it time, Tobi."

-two days later-

"We tried sending a muffin basket to Anna, did we not?" Haku inquired, peering over his list at the thespians around him.

Desmond nodded, a dejected look on his face. "She thought it was a trap and threw them at Rostov."

"Indeed," the foreigner confirmed, wincing at the memory. "I is still having the bruises."

Haku sighed and crossed another plan of his rather extensive list, which by now was little more than a good three feet of red Xs.

"Alas, methinks the end is nigh," Jude groaned. "Nothing is fair; all has gone foul."

"What are you people doing in here?" Prudence demanded, suddenly popping out of nowhere and giving all four boys a fright.

Shortly after Lennon and Anna's horrific falling out, the foursome of Haku, Desmond, Jude, and Rostov had banded together in an effort to get the SRM back on the road. Unfortunately for them, Lennon had a habit of hiding out in the oddest of places, and Anna had ears and eyes everywhere (literally, because she'd been taking out her rage on mannequins and their parts were still scattered all about the camp, but that's another story). Thus, the boys were forced to hide out in the prop closet, building a barrier of old backdrops and Victorian gowns around them.

"We're trying to figure out what to do about Mr. and Mrs. Drama Llama's spat," Desmond explained as Prudence crept into their hideaway and took a seat beside Haku.

"There is llamas now?" a very confused Rostov asked.

"No," Haku reassured him, before going back to the list. He began to read off their previous exploits, hoping to come across something that had not been tried yet. "We've attempted blackmail, bribery, a petition, subliminal messaging-"

"Geez kid, where'd you come up with all these ideas?" Prudence queried, amazed by the impressive detail and extensive length of the teen's list.

"I'm used to making plans," Haku admitted, but decided not to divulge more than that. He'd always loved games of strategy, going back to days of playing with his toys as a child…

-n-

_"Geez, if anyone sees me here my rep's going to hell," Zabuza muttered as he stepped into the shop._

"Welcome sir," a cheery but somewhat nervous employee greeted him. "What can I help you find?"

"Toys," the assassin spat out.

"Erm, sir…this is a toy store."

The woman's statement was true. Zabuza had walked into one of the largest toy stores in his city, and judging from the displays in the windows, it coincidentally had one of the best selections of gadgets and playthings. The establishment wasn't terribly crowded, but already the sounds of price checks and crying children were getting on Zabuza's nerves.

"Pardon me," he apologized through clenched teeth. "I should have been clearer. I need toys that he would like." And here the man pushed a small boy no older than four in front of him.

The woman's anxiety seemed to melt away at the sight of Haku; the boy's presence had this effect on all females, possibly because his small, pale frame and shy disposition was seen as adorable by the better part of the human race. "Well aren't you cute," she cooed, bending down to be eye level with the child. "And what's your name?"

Haku blushed and quickly ducked behind Zabuza's leg, peering out at the woman from behind messy bangs. Zabuza made a note to get the boy a haircut; if Haku's hair grew out much longer, people would begin to mistake him for a girl.

His attention came back to the saleswoman when she laughed and stood up again. "He's a bit shy, isn't he?"

"That's one way of putting it," the assassin muttered to himself.

"Well if you're looking for toys for younger boys like him, I'd recommend aisles 6 and 7, down that way." Nodding in thanks, Zabuza took Haku by the hand and led them deeper into the store.

Once they'd arrived at the specified destination, Zabuza bent down to be eye level with Haku. Unlike when the saleswoman had performed this action, Haku didn't shy away from the elder male, but rather stared straight into his eyes. "Now listen, Haku. This is probably the only trip we make here for a very long time, so if there's a toy you want, get it. Understand?" the child nodded in affirmation and quickly began peering around at the displays, not wanting to waste the older male's time.

Zabuza, for his part, hung back at a safe distance, not wanting his presence to pressure the boy into buying a toy he didn't really want. He was actually quite grateful the woman hadn't asked him about his connection to Haku. Even at 15, he was built like a grown man, and it was doubtful she would have believed him if he said he was Haku's babysitter. Speaking of…

While trapped in his musings, Zabuza had failed to notice that Haku had wandered out of the aisle and moved on to the next area. The assassin quietly shuffled his feet along after the boy, wondering where Haku could have vanished to.

His answer came when he reached the end of the aisle, and noticed a display had been set up a few meters away. It was a wooden play set, made to look nostalgic by carving all the blocks and people out of wood, instead of forming them with cheap plastic. Haku was kneeling in front of the display, carefully moving the blocks around.

Zabuza watched with mild fascination as the boy carefully readjusted the buildings block by block, slowly scooting them closer together in a circular shape. Satisfied with his work, Haku then moved the people inside the barricade, keeping them safe from the dangers outside their town.

"You like the blocks?" Zabuza queried.

Haku started, surprised that he'd let the elder man get so close without realizing it. He turned to Zabuza, blushing heavily, and nodded, as though he was embarrassed to admit to wanting something.

Zabuza was used to Haku's shy and selfless demeanor though, and quickly picked up a few building sets from a nearby pile. "Anything else?" Haku answered with a shake of his head, and soon the two were checking out.

Zabuza didn't think much of Haku's affinity for building blocks until a few months later, when the boy, using only a blueprint he'd found lying in the kitchen, constructed a near-perfect model of a building Zabuza was set to invade.

-n-

The memory made Haku smile a bit, recalling how eager Zabuza had been to nurture his talent for plotting and planning. Being presented with a challenge and having to work it out with a fixed set of material was something Haku had become intimately familiar with in only a short period of time, and utilizing those skills offered him a bit of comfort in this hectic theatre camp.

"Is there anything left we can try?" Desmond asked, wringing his hands out of nervous habit.

"Here's an idea. Let me talk to Anna and tell her she's being an idiot."

"Are you mad?!" Jude gasped. "Surely thou shall be rent limb from limb, like the poor squirrel after it falls into the grasp of the mighty falcon!"

"For once I agree with Shakespeare here," Desmond stated.

"Well we've tried everything else," Haku mused, turning the plan over in his head. It sounded like a reasonable idea, and it would result in the fewest casualties. Besides, it never hurt to try something new, right?

"Just sit tight kiddies, and watch a pro at work."

-n-

"Anna?"

"What?" the troupe manager snapped. Anna was seated in her bunk, with dozens of scripts scattered about her that were covered in red ink. Her hair was a mess, her glasses askew, and she looked like she hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in quite a while.

"Anna, hurry up and apologize to my brother." The leader visibly flinched at the 'a' word, but didn't respond otherwise. "Come on, Anna. We're running low on food because we can't go anywhere until Jude comes out of his room to navigate the atlas, and you can't write anything without someone to help you with the musical accompaniment."

"Not to mention we need to get this subplot on the road ASAP," another voice added.

"Not now Maria." Prudence returned her focus to the boss, seeing that the leader was beginning to cave. "C'mon Anna. It's not going to kill you."

"Fine. But if I have a coronary from this, I'm blaming you."

-n-

"Hello? Is anyone here?" Zabuza inquired as he entered the auto shop. He'd finally managed to drag himself towards civilization, if a lone car lot in the middle of a desert counted as such. Now he needed to see if there were in working vehicles available for purchase, so he could return to his mission.

"Well shoot my cat and call it dinner," a chipper voice exclaimed from the back of the room, making the assassin start, "Gaara, we've got another customer!"

"Mm."

"What can we do fer ya, sir? Oh, name's Kankuro. I'm the proprietor of this here establishment."

"Right…I'm in need of a vehicle. Something cheap that'll run for a while. Preferably lighter colored."

"Well that ain't too hard to get; we've got all kinds of vehicles here, iffen you're willing to pay the right amount," he added, the businessman side of him seeping into the sales' pitch.

"Fine, but I need it quick."

"Quick it is then! What say we step out back and get you set up with somethin' real nice, hm?"

Zabuza quickly agreed to this, and followed the car dealer out of the building to the lot. "One other question."

"Shoot."

Zabuza had to fight the urge to draw his weapon at such a deeply ingrained command, but if Kankuro noticed it, he chose not to say anything. "I'm trying to catch up to some friends of mine. They probably came this way a few days ago, right around the time my car broke down."

"Say, where is that thing anyway? If it's still got any working parts, I can knock a few dollars off your final price."

"I can assure you that my last car was completely totaled," Zabuza dryly remarked. "_And I better get reimbursed for that when I collect the rest of the money._"

"Suit yourself. So, back to these friends of yours…"

"Have you seen anyone passing through lately?"

"Well, we got a blond lady the other day. Overalls, bandana around the neck, real wiz at car parts."

"Definitely not."

"Well we had another group come by; two girls and a boy. Girls had red hair and blue-black hair. Or maybe it was black-blue? Gosh blame it-"

"What about the male?"

"Him? Black hair, real quiet, cuts under his eyes." Bingo! "Yeah, said they were heading towards Maytown. They the folks you lookin' for?"

"No, sorry," the assassin lied. Perfect, he had a lead. All he needed now was a car.

-n-

Anna shuffled her way to the back of the bus, stopping in front of the door that separated Lennon's partially soundproof room from the rest of the bus. She listened for any sounds of the hippie, wondering if he was even in. She eventually managed to make out a few weak guitar chords, meaning her chief musician was indeed present. Only one thing to do now; knock. "Lennon?" The music stopped. "Lennon, about yesterday…"

"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink…"

"_Don't I know the feeling._"

"I'm so tired, my mind is on the brink. I wonder should I get up, and fix myself a drink?"

"No no no," Anna whispered against the door.

Lennon chuckled, but continued. "I'm so tired, I don't know what to do, I'm so tired, my mind is set on you. I wonder should I call you, but I know what you would do!"

"_Damn…_"

"You'd say, I'm putting you on but it's no joke, it's doing me harm. You know I can't sleep? I can't stop my brain. You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane!"

"_Bit of an exaggeration…_"

"You know, I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind!" A brief silence fell between the two, followed by another chord. "I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset. Although I'm so tired, I'll have another cigarette. And curse Sir Walter Raleigh…"

"He was such a stupid git," Anna agreed.

Lennon, to her relief, laughed at this. "You'd say, I'm putting you on but it's no joke, it's doing me harm. You know I can't sleep? I can't stop my brain. You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane! You know, I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind! I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind. I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind…"

"Lennon, can we talk? Please?" The hippie slowly opened the door, peering out at his boss. "Look Lennon, what I said was kind of…harsh. So, I guess I'm sorry. You're not the triangle player. You're more like, the bass guitar!"

Lennon raised a brow, opened his mouth as though to correct her, and then closed it again, deciding that Anna probably didn't know what she was saying and that it would be best to take the apology as it stood. Finally, things could go back to normal.

-n-

"Zetsu?" The schizo didn't respond. "Zetsu, it's Tobi." No kidding; he'd figured that out already. Couldn't the Uchiha take a hint and realize the man wanted to be left alone in his room to sulk?

The door opened and closed a moment later, indicating that Tobi had entered the room. That was a no then. "Zetsu, please talk to Tobi."

"No. Leave us alone, Tobi."

"There's not an 'us', just a Zetsu," the Uchiha corrected, his tone soft and soothing.

Unfortunately, the statement was still enough to send Zetsu off the edge. "That's easy for you to say! **You don't hear their voices all the time!**"

"Zetsu-"

"**Do you have any idea what this feels like?! What I have to go through?! You saw what I'm like when I don't have medicine, Tobi!**" Zetsu screeched, startling the Uchiha. "**That's what I am, and that's what I'm always going to be like, unless I'm pumped full of pills 24/7!**"

"Stop yelling!" Tobi begged.

"**I'll yell if I damn well want to!**" Zetsu humph'ed at the younger male and turned away to glare at the wall. "If you can't deal with it, leave."

"That's why Zetsu wouldn't tell Tobi about the medicine, isn't it?" the Uchiha asked quietly. Zetsu didn't respond, so Tobi went on. "Zetsu thought Tobi was weak, so Tobi couldn't handle knowing how bad the schizophrenia was, or that Zetsu needed medicine. Zetsu lied to Tobi so that Tobi wouldn't be scared and leave. That was selfish, Zetsu."

The schizo curled up in a ball and hid his face in his knees, wanting nothing more than to die. Of course he knew that. Of course he knew how badly he'd messed up by lying to Tobi for so long, even if it was just a lie by omission. Still, it hurt to hear the Uchiha say what he'd been thinking.

Tobi noticed his partner's discomfort and crept closer, until he was near enough to touch the elder male's shoulder. "But at the same time, Tobi can understand why Zetsu feels that way. Zetsu has always needed to protect Tobi, and find Tobi when Tobi gets upset, and take care of everyone else too. Tobi hasn't been very strong."

"Tobi…"

"So from now on, Tobi's going to be stronger, just like he promised," the younger male declared, plopping himself down on the bed beside Zetsu. "Tobi won't have to have someone rescue him all the time, and he'll start taking care of himself and others around him. Most importantly, Zetsu."

The green-haired male scoffed at the declaration. "You say that now. You're 15. Don't you think in a few years you'll get tired of always having to be a rock for me?"

"It's not just for Zetsu," Tobi corrected. "Tobi wants to be a stronger person, like the others in Akatsuki. We're all family, and Tobi wants to give as much to his family as the family gives to Tobi. Zetsu is just the most significant person, that's all."

Zetsu turned the statement over in his head for a time, pondering the younger male's determination and assertion that he could be strong enough to handle Zetsu's issues. "Tobi, even on my meds, I can still have bad days. And since I'm still growing, there's a chance that they'll have to switch my prescription eventually. **That'll be fun**."

"Tobi doesn't care. Zetsu means too much to Tobi to lose."

Hesitantly, the schizo wrapped an arm around the younger male, tugging him closer. "Are you sure you can handle this?" he inquired, a hint of desperation and worry in his voice.

Slowly and deliberately, Tobi removed his mask and set it on the bed beside them. "I will never leave you," he whispered, eyes shining with love as his choice of first-person speech drove the message deep into Zetsu's heart.

The hacker bit his lip and wrapped his other arm around Tobi, pulling the Uchiha tightly to his chest in a crushing hug. Things wouldn't get better overnight; he knew that. But at least now, he had an anchor in his life to which he could cling when times were hard.

Tobi returned the embrace, resting his head on Zetsu's shoulder with a soft sigh. His Zetsu was back. And this time, he would have a partner that not only cared for him, but could and would support him through good times and bad. Tobi was determined to never again let Zetsu suffer as he had during the past week, and would do everything in his power to protect the schizo. "Tobi loves you, Zetsu," he murmured.

His answer was a tight squeeze and choked sob.


	21. Chapter 20

"Pein?"

The ginger in question glanced up from his place at the table to look at Konan. The blue-haired woman was standing in the doorway, nervously wringing her hands despite the calm look on her face. "What is it?" he asked. "And you don't have to stand so far away. I'm not quite frustrated enough to bite you. Yet."

Konan relaxed slightly at the statement and approached her boyfriend, standing by his side and peering down at the myriad of papers surrounding him. "What are you working on?"

"Our legal options," Pein admitted. "Even if we can get Deidara's parents to drop the kidnapping charges, we still have to deal with evading arrest, assisting a known thief if they find out about Rostov (although we'd probably be looking at attempted murder if he ever showed his face again), breaking into and then out of a Jashinist camp in the middle of a riot, breaking and entering since we don't technically have permission to be here, and criminal mischief because let's be honest, there's no way we could ever avoid that. This is, of course, excluding whatever charges they want to bring up based on what they found at our house, because I'm assuming that's the first place they searched when Deidara went missing." Pein sighed and shook his head. "Let's hope Deidara hid his explosives. Kami only knows what they'll have to say about the stuff in Zetsu and Hidan's rooms…"

"There's not going to be an easy way out of this, is there?" Konan asked, placing a comforting hand on Pein's shoulder.

The Akatsuki leader shook his head and cupped his own hand over hers. Konan noted that the man's frown lines had grown deeper over the past few days; to think, this vacation was supposed to be about relaxing and bonding. "No. At the moment, we have two options. First, we could call Deidara's parents again and tell them we're heading back to Konoha. We then return, attempt to explain to the police what actually happened, and post bail until our court date."

"What's the second option?"

"We call Deidara's parents and try to explain the situation once more, without promising to come back. If they accept our explanation, we go back home and follow the first plan. If they don't, we head to Sunagakure and meet with Zetsu's lawyers to discuss our legal options."

"But that involves back-tracking almost all the way to Konoha!" Konan exclaimed. "The risk of getting caught…"

"I know, but they understand all this legal jargon far better than I do," Pein explained in an attempt to calm his girlfriend. "If we went to them, we might be able to find a better solution than simply calling and running all the time."

"Kisame wouldn't go for it," Konan cautioned. "He's convinced that Itachi's trying to make his way here. We'd never be able to get him to take off again without Itachi in tow."

"I realize that," Pein muttered, withdrawing his hands to rub circles into his temples. "But as our leader, I need to think of what's best for Akatsuki as a whole. I don't want to abandon Itachi a second time, but if we stay here much longer, eventually we'll be found and thrown in a jail cell, and Itachi will be lost to us anyway." The leader sighed miserably. "This is so wrong, Konan. Most kids our age are worried about test scores and what car to drive. I'm trying to keep all of us out of jail for a crime we didn't commit, while at the same time trying to hide all the crimes we have committed."

Konan wrapped her arms around the ginger's shoulders from behind and squeezed him tightly. "You've gotten us out of worse than this. Remember the Oto? How we lost half our group, but you still rallied the troops and got us all back together?"

"How could I forget? That's what caused this mess."

Konan ignored her boyfriend's pessimism and kissed his cheek. "Regardless of that, it was still a nightmare of a situation. But through it all, every one of us kept looking to you for guidance. You know why?"

"Because everyone in this poor excuse for an organization, except Itachi and possibly Sasori, are incredibly incompetent?"

"Because you are our leader," Konan proudly stated, "and we've learned to trust your judgment. Even if we give you a hard time now and again, all of us know you're the one who can get us out of a tough spot and keep us safe. We trust you, because you've proven to be trustworthy in that field. You won't let us down; I know it."

Pein turned his head ever so slightly to kiss his girlfriend on the lips. The leader still wasn't sure if he could get the Akatsuki out of this mess; but, with a pep talk like that, he was certainly going to try.

-n-

Kankuro was having a great week. He'd made several huge sales, fixed the AC unit that had been broken for the past few days, and had gotten to see a number of pretty girls. Quite frankly, that was all the man needed to be content with his lot in life. Things appeared to be looking up for the mechanic.

And then, they came.

Kankuro and Gaara had been cleaning out the back office, making sure the files were properly separated from the dead rats, when a low rumble was heard in the distance. Thinking it was a military jet (they had a habit of testing new equipment out in the desert not too far from the brothers' shop), the duo continued their filing. However, much to their surprise, the rumbling didn't fade, but actually grew louder and louder. When the ground started shaking a few minutes later, Kankuro knew something was amiss and grabbed his binoculars, venturing out on the porch to see what the hubbub was about. Gaara, for his part, remained in the office to secure anything that might be toppled over if the shaking grew worse.

Kankuro bit his lip as he searched the horizon for the source of this disturbance. "Now what could be-sweet saint Thaddeus!" Kankuro stumbled backwards into the shop, flipped the sign from 'Open' to 'Closed', and locked every lock and deadbolt on the door. "Gaara, batten down the hatches, hide the cash, an' say your prayers, it's terrible!"

"The IRS?" his younger brother guessed.

"What? Hell no! It's…it's…"

"Yeah?"

"Fangirls." The redhead's eyes widened. "And they ain't normal fangirls, they've got that weird upside-down triangle thingy on all their cars! I think those are Jehosaphats or something!"

"I'll wrap up the good silverware," Gaara promised before disappearing into the back room again.

"Great, I'll lock up the keys so they can't steal the cars-oh."

"Oh?"

"Sweet maple syrup on pancakes, we've got a problem…"

"What?" Gaara demanded, growing increasingly annoyed at having to pry answers out of his brother every few minutes.

"That kid that came through the other day, and those two girls with him! They left towards Maytown, and that's right on the fangirls warpath, or I'm a spring chicken!"

"Kankuro, it ain't none of our business."

"It ain't none of our business," Kankuro repeated in a deadpan. "It ain't none of our business?! Did you forget what those monsters did to your poor sister?!" Gaara took off his bandana and bowed his head respectfully at the mention of his unfortunate sibling. "Do you want what happened to her to happen to those poor girls, huh? And what do ya think they do with guys, huh? I ain't never heard of no gent getting captured by the likes of them and making it out ok."

"So what should we do?"

Kankuro walked across the room and stopped in front of his gun rack to remove a pair of well-used shotguns from the wall. "Fire up the truck and load up 20 pounds of rock salt. We're moving out."

-n-

Kankuro and Gaara, unfortunately, were not the only ones to have trouble with the fangirls. Several miles down the road, a large herd of fangirls had broken off from the main group and was blocking the road, having stopped briefly to make camp and get some much needed rest. Their reputation preceded them, giving the fangirls confidence that no one would dare tell them to move until the fangirls themselves were good and ready to go. Little did they know that the nearby leader of the Shakespeare Revival Movement laughed in the face of fear. Although at the moment, Anna was far from laughing…

"All right, what's the holdup this time?" the sandy blonde demanded, straightening her glasses while attempting to smooth the wrinkles in her nightgown. It was 7:30 in the morning, and Anna had a strict "look, 90% of us aren't morning people, so don't get up before 8:30 unless you have a damn good reason or want to make waffles for the whole troupe" rule, which no one wanted to break, either for fear of upsetting their leader or a simple desire for more sleep. This rule had been broken by a nervous Haku, who informed the woman that Prudence had stopped the bus and couldn't go any further without help from their leader.

"That," Prudence replied, pointing out the front window of the bus, "is the problem."

Anna blinked the sleep from her eyes and looked out to where Prudence was pointing, eager to find and settle this disturbance as quickly as possible so she could go back to sleep. It didn't take long to find the root of the problem. "Fangirls," she hissed.

"Yup. Haku's counted at least 90, but he's estimating their numbers go as high as 150. And considering they just got the bonfire going, we could be looking at a good 6 hour delay, maybe even more."

Anna's eyes darted to the boy responsible for the estimations. "You seem pretty good at studying the enemy, kid. What'd you say you did for a living before we took you in?"

"Kidnapping and taking someone in are two entirely different things," Haku responded in a somewhat edgy tone, being simultaneously offended at Anna's choice of words and worried that the woman would want to find out about his past (and given her torture methods, even a veteran agent like Haku would break after a while).

Much to the boy's relief, Anna was too tired to press him for further details when there was such a large problem before them. "Ok, here's what's going to happen. Haku, you're going to draw a map of the enemy to scale. Prudence, you're going to make me a strong cup of coffee. I'm going to get dressed." Orders given, the woman stumbled to the doorway, swore when her shoulder collided with the doorframe, and disappeared in the direction of the wardrobe.

"Is she always like that this early?" Haku inquired, looking around to see where he could find some paper and a pen to make a layout of the enemies' camp.

"Nope," was Prudence's answer as she gave him a pencil and page from her atlas. "You're still new, so she's trying to be polite around you. Don't worry, it'll fade after a while."

Roughly ten minutes later Prudence had made a pot of coffee that smelled like a roadside diner and had the color and consistency of tar, Haku was all but finished with his map, and Anna entered the room, dressed in the green uniform of a military general, complete with a helmet that was sporting two stars. She sniffed the air and smiled at her confused underlings. "I love the smell of Prudence's coffee in the morning. Smells like…victory."

"Erm…"

"I'm a thespian, kid. Misquoting old movies is what I do best." The woman took a sip of coffee, shuddered, and went on. "Now do you have a map for me, or I am going to have to throw you to the fangirls as a sacrifice?"

"Here it is." Haku all but threw the neatly drawn map into Anna's arms; he'd had a few run-ins with regular girls during his grocery runs, and had no desire to see what hardcore fangirls would do with him.

"Hmm… so basically, there's no way to drive around these girls, they're too settled in to dodge our bus if we tried to drive through, and negotiation with these monsters is obviously out of the question." Anna stopped her summary there and sipped at her coffee, turning over several ideas in her mind as she tried to settle on the best method to get her troupe out of this mess. "Prudence, tell Lennon to load the cannons."

"The what?!" Haku demanded.

Prudence gave the leader a concerned look. "You sure about that, boss? We haven't used those things in forever. I can't even remember the last time they were cleaned.

"Why do you people have cannons?!"

"I know, Prudence, but they're our best bet right now. While Lennon's setting them up, I'll get the ammo from my bunk. No offense, but I don't trust any of you with our munitions."

"You have ammunition?!"

"Oh come on, Anna, that fiasco in Reno-"

"Is the reason we're down to one bus right now. Go get Lennon." Orders given, Anna took a final gulp of coffee and set her mug on the dashboard. "Haku, be a dear and take care of this, would you?"

"All right," Haku answered in a distant voice, still trying to process what was going on around him. Anna and Prudence, being in much better shape, soon exited the room to prepare an assault on the fangirls. It took Haku a few more moments to pull himself together, before he finally gathered up the coffee pot and mug. "I'm beginning to think Zabuza's methods of handling problems were less unorthodox than I originally assumed," the boy murmured, gliding gracefully across the floor to open a window and dump the coffee out of the pot. When it came to Anna's mug, however, Haku's curiosity got the better of him, and he took a cautious sip to see what exactly went into the java that kept the SRM leader going.

The next minute he was leaning out the window, retching as the mug and coffee pot lay forgotten at his feet.

-n-

It took a surprisingly short amount of time to set up the cannons, although this was partially due to the fact that Lennon had drafted Rostov to help set up the weapons on top of the bus. They'd just finished when Anna approached, two large gray cylinders tucked under each of her arms. "About time," she grumbled, loading the first cannon with one of the canisters.

"Scary devil woman, what is we doing with these things?" Rostov inquired, trying to stand as far away from the cannons as he could while remaining on the roof.

"We're about to engage in assertive non-verbal communications with a hostile force," Anna answered as she packed a cylinder into the other cannon.

"Oh. I was thinking you were going to be shooting those scary girly girls!"

"Oh Rostov. To be so young and naïve." Shaking her head at the foreigner's ignorance, Anna stepped behind her armaments and aimed toward the center of the road. They had a limited number of volleys, and she'd rather they cleared a path in one shot from each cannon instead of two. "Go get me that Haku kid. Something tells me he's worked with weapons before, and we can't waste a shot." Eager to be away from their eccentric leader while she was aiming a large weapon, the two men scurried off, Rostov returning shortly thereafter with Haku in tow. "Rostov, go tell Prudence to fire up the engine. We need to be ready to go ASAP."

"But Anna," Haku began, watching as Rostov exited the roof, "Prudence already-"

"I know. But I need you to level with me, kid." Turning away from Haku again, Anna kneeled down and began making minute adjustments to the cannon's trajectory. "You're not a normal kid, Haku. And that's coming from someone that works with these clowns all day."

"Well, I was at the JRCH-"

"Don't bullshit me, kid. You've got calluses and scars on your hands from knives, and your clothing smelled like gunpowder when we brought you in. To top it off, you've been manipulating every one of my underlings to look somewhere else when they ask about you. Oh, and there's that cell phone I found hidden in your bunk. But how about I just cut to the chase and tell you I figured out that you're Haku Yuki, the sidekick of Zabuza Momochi, two of the more famous hired hands in the field right now." Adjustments complete, the woman stood and turned to look at the visibly shaken Haku. "Don't worry, no one else knows about this yet. Well, maybe Maria, but no one listens to her anyway."

"Why are you telling me this?" Haku inquired, voice deceptively calm and quiet. "If you're the only one who knows, what's to stop me from taking you out?"

"Because if you try anything with me, you're going down and not getting up," Anna sharply retorted. "I wasn't always a thespian, you know. Before I joined the SRM, I had a different line of work. I was the top bodyguard for the Ikari family. Went by the name Ankle-breaker Amelia. Maybe you've heard of me?"

Oh, Haku had heard of her all right. Many years ago, when he was still too little to help Zabuza on his missions, the boy would sneak out of bed at night and stand just outside the living room, listening to the man talk with his partners about the hired hands in other syndicates. This was back when Zabuza worked under a mafia boss, bringing in money that was stained with blood before it ever reached their hands. One of the most frequently mentioned names that came up was a cold, cruel wisp of a bodyguard called Ankle-breaker Amelia, named because anyone who crossed the Ikari family had a habit of turning up with a few bones, typically the ankles, broken quite badly. But she'd vanished off the face of the earth years ago…

"Don't worry, I'm not going to break anything on you. Yet. See, after a while of being a hired hand, I realized I hated it," Anna went on. "The smell of blood, the sound of breaking bones, all of it. I even started hating the groceries I bought with my paycheck. So one day, I left it all behind. Changed my name, switched out my contacts for glasses, and burned my house to the ground. I vowed never to go back to that life, and never to do someone else's dirty work again. Ever since then, I've been running this theatre group. It's my life."

"Um…"

"You're probably even more confused now, aren't you?" Haku nodded. "Haku, I'm telling you this for two reasons. One; I don't know what you're doing out here, and frankly I don't want to know, so I'll leave you be as long as you don't drag my troupe down with you."

"And the other reason?"

Anna walked up to Haku and placed a hand on his shoulder in a manner so gentle it seemed impossible for her. "Because not everyone can handle being a career murderer, Haku. So if the day comes when you realize you can't shoot a gun or run a person through with your knife…we'll always have an open bunk for you. We all have our own horror stories, kid. Mine's the worst, sure, but not by much."

"…I'll think about it," Haku agreed.

"Good. But for now, help me aim these cannons."

"But I thought you said-"

"Don't worry kid, this won't kill them." Here Anna grinned. "In fact, it'll be pretty damn hilarious if everything goes according to plan." Not sure if he could or even should trust someone who'd just confessed to being a reformed criminal, Haku nevertheless helped the woman aim their weapons, and after both confirmed their shots to be on target, Anna lit the fuses and covered her ears.

BOOM

BOOM

There was a very small explosion, and then the road was obscured by a large grey cloud. Fangirls began to scream, stumbling away from the smoke and…sneezing?

Sure enough, all the fangirls in the immediate area were doubled over, eyes closed as they sneezed again and again with no signs of stopping anytime soon. "Um…Anna?"

"Like it? It's sneezing powder, left over from the smash hit, Napoleon Blown-apart." Grinning, Anna fell to her knees and thumped the roof of the bus twice, signaling Prudence it was time to go. The SRM's driver began creeping forward, both to avoid hitting any of the sneezing females and to keep the cannons from flying off the bus's roof. "Haku, grab that cannon and hold it steady. We'll stop in a mile or so and take them down then."

"Ok." Haku did as instructed, doing his best to brace the large weapon with his body. As the bus drove onward, he cast a glance towards Anna, who was grinning widely from their most recent success. Was that really all it took to leave a life of crime behind? A new name, some glasses, and a promise to never go back to your old life? But she'd been all alone, and he still had Zabuza. He'd never had to kill anyone yet though, aside from a yappy dog that almost gave away their position on a job; what happened if Zabuza ordered him to take another's life, and he couldn't handle it?

Haku wished the bus would hurry up and pull over. He needed to get back to his bunk and do a lot of thinking, alone.

-meanwhile, back with the fangirls—

"ACHOO! ACHOO! Jashin-damnit, Hakushi, where are youCHOOO!"

"Over here Amai!" Hakushi responded before breaking out into another sneezing fit. Hakushi had failed to get Hidan's autograph before the infamous Jashinist had flown the coop, much to his disappointment. When he found out a number of the camp's fangirls had decided to take off and find Hidan, it seemed to be the perfect opportunity to get his long sought autograph. Amaifuyu, realizing that her boyfriend probably wouldn't last twenty minutes on the outside world without her, had chosen to tag along as well. The duo had been helping the fangirls set up their camp, when all of a sudden they were attacked by a psychedelic bus and reduced to a pile of sneezy, mucus-spewing zealots. Not exactly the greatest thing that could happen to a person, in all honesty.

Eventually Amaifuyu was able to grope her way over to Hakushi and offer him a tissue as they waited for the sneezing to subside. "What the hell happened?" she gasped between sneezes.

"I dunno-ACHOO! But damn if they didn't ACHOO catch us ACHOO off-guard." The blue-haired male finally seemed to regain some semblance of control over himself, and stood up to check on the reminder of the group. It appeared that most of the girls were starting to compose themselves, but numerous sneezes still filled the air. "All right, is anyone else as pissed as I am right now?" the Jashinist growled.

The response was a loud screech in the affirmative, followed by more sneezing.

"Hakushi, what the hell are you doing?" Amaifuyu demanded, having stood up as well by this point.

"Look, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not gonna let a bunch of jackasses screw with us like that and think they can get away with it!" More screeches, and a few cheers mixed in as well. "I say we let the others catch Hidan for us, while we chase those hippy bastards down and make them pay for this!" By now the cheers were deafening.

"Geez, this is going to be messy," Amaifuyu muttered to herself. But since rabid fangirls tend not to listen to the voice of reason, the group's new plan remained unaltered, and soon the fangirls were packing up, ready to give chase to the SRM and show them the true meaning of hell on earth.


	22. Chapter 21

Sasori awoke in the afternoon to find that his arms, normally full of Deidara while he slept, were sadly empty of his blond partner. Groaning, he sat up in bed and stretched, looking around to see where the bomber might have wandered off to, finally locating the bomber seated by the window, staring out across the lawn at absolutely nothing while the sun set in the distance. Sasori couldn't see Deidara's face, but managed to catch a glimpse of the blond's reflection in the glass. His partner looked tired, worried, and unsure. "Deidara, what's wrong?"

The blond started; apparently he hadn't heard Sasori awake from their little nap. "I'm thinking, un."

"About what?"

"…"

The Akasuna sighed. "Deidara, come here." Slowly the bomber rose and shuffled across the room to sit on the bed, head resting against Sasori's shoulder. Sasori was a bit surprised; normally Deidara preferred to sit in his lap, or else recline between the puppeteer's legs with his head pressed into Sasori's shoulder. "Deidara, what's wrong?"

"Nothing really. It's just…I've been thinking about what I'm going to say to my parents when we call the next time, un. And I really don't want to be nice to them, danna."

"Why?"

Deidara frowned and stared down at his lap, fingers lightly trailing over the sheets in a quest for something to do. "I was living with you guys for a year, un. A whole year, and they never even noticed, danna. The only reason we're in this mess right now is because the school did a better job of keeping track of me than my parents, who should be the ones most concerned about what happens to me, right, un?"

"Deidara-"

"I mean," Deidara went on, sitting completely upright as the volume of his voice increased, "where do they get off, panicking about me now when before they didn't even care where I was, un?! And it's not like this is a new thing, Sasori danna, they haven't once tried to sit down and talk with me since middle school, maybe before that, un! What the hell did I do so wrong that they don't want to pay attention to me anymore, un?!" Deidara sighed and slumped in on himself. It felt good to let all that frustration out, but at the same time it exhausted him. "It sucks, danna. To not have them ask about my grades, or tell me I should bring friends over-"

"-to not be there when you do well in school, and not give you advice when you need it," Sasori interjected. "Believe me, Deidara, I know what it's like not to have your parents around for that."

Deidara felt his heart turn to lead and then sink down somewhere in the pit of his stomach. He knew that Sasori's parents had been dead for years, yet here he sat, acting like not having them around should be an alien concept to his danna. "Sasori danna, I'm so sorry, un."

"It's all right," the Akasuna murmured, pulling an unresisting Deidara into his arms. Talking about his parents always made his heart ache a little, but Deidara was a good deterrent to that pain. "They've been gone for years, Deidara. I'm mostly used to it. It just hurts every now and again when something big happens, like starting high school or knowing I'll never be able to introduce you to them."

Deidara felt his already-sick stomach twist; Sasori would have wanted to introduce the blond to his parents? Deidara hadn't even thought about telling his own mother and father about his sexuality, never mind that he already had a boyfriend, but Sasori had suggested it like it was the most natural thing in the world. "I'm sorry danna," he whispered, hiding his face in the redhead's shoulder before the tears could be seen.

"Don't. There's nothing you can do, Deidara. Saying you're sorry again and again just makes it hurt worse." Deidara let out a few sniffles into Sasori's shoulder, prompting the redhead to stroke his partner's hair and gently hush him. "Shh, Deidara…"

Eventually the blond quieted himself, and the two artists sat on the bed in silence, still tightly intertwined with one another, trying to stave off the overwhelming presence of loneliness and angst that had crept into their room. Loneliness. It was an acute feeling that had haunted the two artists for years, brought on by neglect of a true family to care and nurture them. Sasori and Deidara had only recently gained the familial comfort of the Akatsuki, so the old aches and pains in their hearts still needed time to heal. But being bundled up together like this…well, let's say it was just what the doctor ordered. "Danna?"

"Hm?"

"What were they like, un? Your parents, I mean."

Sasori leaned back against the headboard and sighed, running his fingers through Deidara's hair as he began to speak. "They were good parents. Not amazing in any particular way, but very loving and understanding. My dad had a terrible sense of humor, but mom still laughed at all his jokes. And mom was…warm, you could say. The way she smiled, how she talked, how her arms felt giving a hug, everything was just so warm."

"They spoiled me a little, because it had taken a long time to conceive me, and they were having problems getting another child. Even grandma Chiyo thought they were spoiling me, and that old biddy insisted on stuffing my face with cookies whenever I came over. And then, when I was five…" Sasori's grip tightened on Deidara, pressing the blond closer to his racing heart. "There was an accident."

"They'd been driving home from one of dad's business meetings, when he had a stroke and crashed the car. The impact along with the stroke killed him immediately. And mom…when the car went off the road, she hit her head and ruptured an undiagnosed brain aneurism. They were both gone before the ambulances showed up." Deidara squeezed his danna tightly, forcing the redhead to exhale and take a deep, cleansing breath. "After that, I lived with my grandma. She's a crazy old bat that'll probably outlive us all, but I'm grateful to her for taking care of me. And then she got an offer to travel across Europe, and I told her to go. It wasn't her fault I ended up as her dependent, and I didn't want her to give up something like that because of me. It worked out for the best, though; thanks to her leaving, I could stay with the Akatsuki, and with you." Nearby sniffling and shaking tore Sasori away from his story, and he pulled Deidara away from his chest to look at the bomber. "Dei, I just got you to stop crying," he gently scolded, wiping the blond's cheek with his thumb.

"I'm sorry, un," Deidara apologized, still sniffling as tears poured down his face. "But that's so messed up, danna. You get left by your parents, and then your grandma, and then me, but you're not angry at any of them, un. You're grouchy, but not bitter, un. How can you just…let it go?"

"Sometimes bad things happen, Dei," Sasori tried to explain. "You can either accept it and move on, or try to fix it. I had to accept my parents' death; I didn't have to accept our breaking up on such terrible terms. It's ok; please stop crying."

"I can't help it," Deidara choked out. "Seeing you hurt…it hurts me too, un."

Sasori's heart warmed at the statement. He'd been about to chastise Deidara for crying like a girl, in an attempt to break him from this state, but hearing Deidara's admission shattered the Akasuna's plans. Deidara was highly volatile at times, but only because he had such strong emotions. When he had any cause to be happy, Deidara was on top of the world; when there was a reason to be sad, he sank to the darkest depths. More often than not Deidara found reasons to be happy and acted like a cheery ditz, but sometimes…sometimes the blond's heart seemed too full of love and concern for one person to hold.

Sasori couldn't resist pulling Deidara close again and giving the blond a long kiss, ignoring the tears that were now being smeared across his cheeks by the close contact. When they broke apart, Deidara managed a small smile and brushed the last of his tears away to snuggle against Sasori again. "I love you danna, un."

That was the first time Deidara had ever said those words to Sasori. Hearing them felt better than he ever could have imagined.

-n-

"C'mon, Itachi, there's no way we can look for the Akatsuki once the sun goes down!" Boom whined from her seat on the ATV. She, Tenshi, and Itachi had been all over the small hamlet of Maytown, trying to find anyone who could remember Zetsu's family, and where their house might be. So far, they'd had one old shopkeeper at the knickknack store confirm that a pair of kooky old scientists liked to visit with a boy matching Zetsu's description, but other than that, they hadn't found out much.

Uchihas were not one to back down from a challenge, however. "We'll stop when the sun actually goes down," Tenshi decided, speaking for both herself and Itachi. "Until then, we'll check out the mansion which that lady was talking about. It's not too far out of the way for us to get there by night; besides, I haven't seen a single satellite dish the whole time we've been in town, and so even if the Akatsuki's not out there, whoever lives there probably only gets the local stations and hasn't heard about Uncle Itchy. We'll be fine."

"I don't know," Boom argued. "It's just…I can't shake this feeling that something's not right."

"Like what?"

"THERE SHE IS!" The group's discussion was suddenly interrupted by a giant net falling over Itachi, quickly trapping the boy before reeling him in to what appeared to be a golf cart, outfitted with a tank façade and driven by a sandy blonde with coke-bottle glasses, another dark-haired female with a bandaged ankle and army fatigues, and lastly a male that looked like he'd wandered off from a renaissance festival. "That _is_ her, right Jude?" the sandy-blonde asked while pulling in the net and securing Itachi to the cart's roof.

"Verily, Anna! Oh, pluck out my eyes and I'd still know that face; cut off my ears, and that's the voice I'd hear in my dreams!"

"Put me down!" Itachi ordered, struggling against his restraints.

"Great, let's head back to camp. We start rehearsal tomorrow; got it, Maria?"

"Clearing the schedule now, boss lady." Pleased by her subordinate's response, Anna reversed the cart and spun around before speeding off into the sunset.

Boom and Tenshi, meanwhile, were still trying to piece together exactly what the heck had just happened. "Well," Boom finally said, "I was going to go with something along the lines of rain tonight…but yeah, that works too."

-n-

"Deidara, this is it," Pein stated, handing the phone to a very nervous blond. "Make the call."

"Ok, un…but does everyone have to be here when I do this, un?!"

Pein had decided after a brief rest and a nice dinner that Deidara needed to call his parents again, this time trying to reason with his father, since there was a good chance his mother would simply burst into tears again and they'd be back to square one. This time, the other members of Akatsuki had gathered in the living room alongside Deidara, in hopes of giving the blond support when making the call. All they were doing at the moment, however, was making their already edgy bomber an even worse bag of nerves.

"Tch, even if you kicked us out, we'd just listen through the door," Hidan bluntly stated, earning a smack upside the head from Kakuzu. "Well it's true, dumbass!"

"Fair enough…" Sighing, Deidara finally picked up the house's phone and dialed the number for his house.

One ring…two rings… "Hello?" a female answered.

Deidara gulped. It was his mother; not good. "Hey mom-"

"OH DEIDARA!" The bomber had to hold the phone away from his ears, his mom was weeping so loudly. "When the phone disconnected before, I thought for sure you'd been killed!"

"Mom, for the last time, I'm fine, un!" Deidara exclaimed into the phone. "I'm not kidnapped, I'm not being held against my will, I'm just on vacation!" His only reply was more sobbing, and inquiries as to how much money the kidnappers wanted. "Mom, I-oh forget it. The 'kidnappers' want to talk to the cops."

"Deidara, what are you doing?!" Pein hissed.

"Handling this, un. Now be quiet!"

"He says they want to speak to an officer!" There was a bit of shuffling in the background, before a gruff male voice came through. "This is Sergeant Ibiki Morino. What are your demands?"

"For starters, someone needs to call my mom down, un," Deidara groaned into the phone. "Look, I don't know what she's been telling you, but I was not kidnapped, un. I left the boarding school of my own free will-"

"Well that's a bit of a stretch," Pein muttered.

"-I came back home, and then my friends and I took a much needed vacation, un."

"By 'home', you mean-"

"I've been living with friends for a while, un. But you already know that because you turned our house upside-down, didn't you, un?"

Ibiki was silent for a moment, considering his reply. "I'm assuming you're referring to the residence of Pein Pungare, are you not?"

"Yes, un."

"Yes, we looked there for you originally-"

"Then surely you noticed the fact that all my things are in the attic, un, right down to my last pair of boxers, didn't you?"

"…Deidara, I need you to do something. If you absolutely have not been kidnapped, say the weather's lovely."

"WHAT?! Oh, you want to hear the weather's lovely?! The weather is lovely here, it's gorgeous, we're thinking about buying a timeshare up here because it's so damn perfect, UN!"

"Calm down," the officer ordered. "Sorry, but I had to be sure. Deidara, if what you're saying is true, we'll drop the kidnapping charges once you and your friends come back home. This doesn't mean you're off scot-free though; there are still plenty of other charges that are going to see you kids in front of a judge, but it should be small stuff that you can get off on with community service or fines."

"You mean it, un? This isn't some trap, is it?"

Deidara could practically hear the officer rolling his eyes over the phone. "Please kid, I've been in this business for too long not to recognize a couple of kids running off for a few days. The only thing you people will be walking into when you get back is one hellova media circus. But you have to come back ASAP, or things are just going to get worse-"

Two things happened that cut off Ibiki from finishing his sentence. The first was a loud crash in the front yard that muffled the officer's words; the next was the fact that the line suddenly went dead. No crackling, his dial tone, nothing but absolute silence came through the phone. "Damn it!" Deidara yelled, slamming down the phone into its cradle. "We were so close, un!"

"Never mind that," Pein hissed, motioning for the others to duck to the floor for cover. "Something's happened outside."

"No shit," Hidan snapped.

"We need to figure out who or what caused that noise. There's a good chance that it was either rabid fangirls or that lunatic with the gun from earlier. Everyone stay down, and keep quiet!" The gravity of the situation finally sinking in, the Akatsuki members army-crawled across the floor to lean against the walls, waiting for some sound or noise to come from the new intruder. Slowly, Pein moved to peer out the window and see who could've found them. "We're in luck," he whispered. "It looks like it's just a couple of fangirls that crashed their ATVs into the telephone pole."

"Hello?" One of the females called out. "Hey, is anyone from the Akatsuki here?!"

"Definitely fangirls," Konan decided. "Think we can sneak out the back?"

"Please come out!" the other girl begged. "My name's Tenshi, and this is Boom. Please, we need help! Itachi's in danger!"

"Itachi?!" Kisame gasped.

"Hold him!" Pein ordered, seeing that Kisame was preparing to lunge towards the window at the words. Kakuzu and Zetsu managed to keep Kisame from recklessly diving outside, but barely. "You idiot, that could be a trap! We still don't know if they're the enemy or not!"

"Look, if there's a guy named Pein in there, Itachi said to tell you we're not the enemy, you're just being paranoid and probably need some sleep."

"Sounds like something Itachi would say," Sasori noted.

"Still," Pein began.

But Tenshi had had enough. "Oh for Kami's sake-HN!"

"Itachi!" Kisame managed to break free and rushed to the window, throwing it open and diving out onto the porch. In something that looked like a scene from an action movie, Kisame ran down the porch, leapt over the railing, dashed across the driveway and jumped onto an ATV that Boom had barely dismounted. "Don't worry angel, I'm coming for you!" he declared, starting the engine and turning the ATV around before racing off into the distance.

"…Wow," Boom remarked. "Didn't see that coming, did you?"

"Who are you people?!" Pein demanded, startling both girls. While the duo had been watching Kisame's getaway, most of the other Akatsuki members had filtered out of the house to circle around the females and demand answers.

"Just the truth," Tenshi answered with a shrug. "We escaped the JRCH to find you guys, and we traced you to this town, but on the way out here Itachi was captured by a rogue band of theatre people and taken to their lair, wherever that is."

"…"

"Pein?" Konan asked.

"I'm fine sweetie. I just need a few moments to process. And maybe take some aspirin. Lots and lots of aspirin."

-meanwhile, at the SRM camp-

"Ok Miss fair maiden, here's your dinner," Rostov cheerfully stated, handing a plate of food through the holes in the top of the net which was suspending Itachi above the ground. Itachi had been brought back to the Shakespeare Revival Movement's camp just in time for dinner, and was no dangling from the bus while the rest of the troupe sat around the campfire a short distance away, busily chowing down on their meals and congratulating Anna on a job well done.

"Rostov, you are aware that that 'fair maiden' is a boy, aren't you?" Haku asked as his friend returned to his seat by the younger male and resumed eating his own dinner.

"Oh yes, little girly boy, I is knowing girly boys and boyish girls, but I is always knowing boys is boys and girls is girls. But saying otherwise involves arguing with scary demon lady, and I is being a firm coward and, as the saying goes, not touching that pickle with a ten foot pole."

"You make a good point," Haku admitted, chewing another mouthful of food thoughtfully.

"Ah, there she is!" Jude sang, practically dancing in front of Itachi while brandishing a mandolin. "Snow White hath not the beauty of your pallor and raven locks! Oh, would that you ask me to bend full tilt before thee, I'd gladly fall like the mighty oak to a woodsman's axe and obey!"

"Put me down, you maniac!" Itachi hissed, struggling to find some weakness in the net.

Jude merely tsk'ed at the weasel's demand and began strumming the mandolin. "Alas, my love, you do me wrong, to cast me off so discourteously…"

Tragically, before he could begin the next line of the song, Jude wandered a bit too close to Itachi, and his instrument was within grabbing range. Two minutes later Jude was limping off with several head wounds and a broken mandolin, and the rest of the theatre troupe was giving Itachi a wide berth.

Satisfied that he'd struck proper fear into the thespians, Itachi quickly took the knife he'd been given for dinner and slipped it behind his back to ever so slowly saw at the net. It was tough work and slow going, especially since he had to stop sawing whenever a thespian looked his way. Finally, he felt one of the ropes snap beneath his fingertips, making his heart leap. Freedom was that much closer.

Itachi continued to work at the ropes, readjusting his position every so often so it wouldn't become blatantly obvious that he was cutting a hole in the net. At last he slipped backwards and slid out from the hole he'd made, landing on the ground with a soft "Oomph!"

"Well I can't say we didn't expect this," Anna said from above him. "But I thought it'd take a little longer. Impressive."

Itachi looked up to see the thespian leader sitting on the edge of the bus' roof, along with Maria and a few of her other workers. "So tell me, fair maiden," she went on, "what's the plan now? Or did you think that far ahead, hm?"

"I'm going to get out of here," Itachi stated as his grip tightened around the handle of the knife, his only defense. "I'm going to find my friends, and I'm not going to let you people stop me!"

"Ooh, fiery temper here," Anna chuckled. "And how exactly are you going to stop us this time, when you were so helpless last time?"

"Because this time I'm ready," Itachi stated, standing up a little taller as he did so. "This time I'm prepared to fight my way out. I'm not going to be pushed around or manipulated anymore! So help me, I'm not going to be some helpless damsel that needs to be rescued ever again!"

"Itachi?"

Itachi froze in mid-dramatic speech when he heard his name, or rather the voice that had spoken to him. Turning around to confirm his suspicions (but what was the point, he'd recognize that voice anywhere), the bewildered and nervous Uchiha looked directly into the eyes of his boyfriend. "Kisame?"

"Is that what this is about?" Kisame asked. "I make you feel helpless?"

"No! It's just…" Itachi looked away from his boyfriend, seeming to shrink in on himself under the gaze of Kisame. Kami, why did the shark have to overhear that? This was not the way Itachi had been hoping to start his apology to Kisame.

"Itachi, you can tell me."

"…"

"You _can_ tell me, can't you?"

"…"

"Please Itachi, say something," Kisame begged.

Nothing. There was no sound now, not from Kisame, not from Itachi, and not from any of the thespians. The tension in the air was thick enough to cut with the knife still clutched in Itachi's hand. This was supposed to be a happy reunion, wasn't it? Itachi had finally found Kisame, and he could apologize for everything he'd said and done to the shark, and then they could kiss and make up and everything would be great. So why couldn't he say anything, now when he needed words more than ever?

And then, as if sent from an angel above, the silence was broken by a soft chord from an acoustic guitar. Kisame and Itachi both tried to locate the source of the music, and at last settled on a dark-haired man with hippie glasses, seated on the other side of the fire pit. "Yesterday," he began, still playing the guitar, "all my troubles seemed so far away…now it looks as though they're here to stay, oh I believe, in yesterday…"

"You there," Anna hissed softly, grabbing one of her underlings, "get spotlights on those two! And you, turn on the fan so there's a soft breeze blowing through the fair maiden's hair! Ooooh, the drama!"

"Suddenly," Lennon continued, "I'm not half the man I used to be…there's a shadow hanging over me, oh yesterday, came suddenly…"

"Perfect!" Anna tugged Haku close to her, leaving the boy to wonder why he'd ever thought it was a good idea to follow the crazy thespian onto the roof when they'd notice Itachi was beginning to break free, particularly when the only reasoning behind the move was to 'create a dramatic effect'. "That's how you set a scene, kid!"

"Why, she, had to go, I dunno, she wouldn't say…" Lennon lamented. "I, said, something wrong, now I long, for yesterday…"

"And now kid," Anna whispered, "we wait for the tragic hero and heroine to deliver their lines."

"Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play…now I need a place to hide away, oh I believe, in yesterday…"

"Kisame," Itachi finally began, the music continuing to play softly in the background, "you don't make me feel weak. None of this is your fault."

"Then what's wrong?"

"I used to cut myself," Itachi whispered, slowly approaching Kisame. "Because I hated myself. Because I blamed myself for what happened to others. But then I met you, and suddenly I started to like myself. To think maybe I wasn't so bad, and that I was more than a cursed brat who was going to hurt people and then die alone."

"You aren't, Itachi-" Kisame began, but a single raised finger from Itachi cut him off.

"After Hidan's house burned down, I almost relapsed," Itachi went on, rolling up his sleeves to expose the scars on his wrist. "I was so, so tempted to take the scalpel and add another line…" speaking such, the weasel readjusted the knife in his other hand to gently press against the skin; not hard enough to cut, but hard enough to make Kisame's pulse increase. "But then you came in and stopped me. You took away the scalpel and held me close, until the pain went away." Itachi sighed and let the knife fall away, allowing Kisame to breathe a small sigh of relief. "Do you understand yet?"

"Err…no, not really."

"Let me put it another way, then," Itachi continued. "When the Oto took you away, I fell apart. I was worried about you, but all I could do was lay in bed and pity myself. Tobi of all people had to take care of me. Then we found you, and you asked about me. You didn't complain about your conditions, or needing a bath or sleep, but instead expressed concern for me: the person who sat around and did nothing to find you. And for the first time since that day in the hospital, I truly hated myself again."

"Angel-"

"Please," Itachi begged. "Please. I'm nearly done." Kisame nodded, allowing his boyfriend to go on. "I vowed that night that I would never be that person again. I wouldn't be this pathetic waste of space that would beat myself up for what happened to others, and would need others to take care of me. I promised that I'd become stronger, for you, and most of all, for myself. So when you imply that I need you to watch out for me, or care for me…it scares me, Kisame. What if I really do need you? What if I truly can't stand on my own two feet, without someone there to prop me up? I need to know that I can be strong without a safety net behind me every step of the way. That's what I meant, Kisame. That's why I acted so cruelly and said those things to you."

"Itachi, I never thought of you as someone who needed to be rescued," Kisame stated, taking a step closer to his boyfriend. "I do those things because I care about you, not because I think you need me to act like that. Everyone needs a little TLC sometimes, angel. It doesn't make you weak."

"Hn?"

"Really, I mean it. Look…would it helped if I backed off on the guarding you and carrying you around stuff for a while?" Itachi nodded, offering the shark a small smile. "Ok, that's what I'll do. But in exchange, you promise to talk to me about this in the future. I want you to get better as much as you do, Itachi. Remember that, ok?"

"Hn." Promise given, Itachi finally closed the gap between the two and wrapped his arms around Kisame's neck, standing on his tiptoes as Kisame bent to give him a gentle kiss. And when they pulled away, Kisame saw that wonderful look of happiness and wonder and love and a thousand other expressions on Itachi's face that he loved so much.

Their happy moment was interrupted, though, by a thunderous round of cheering and applause. "Bravo, bravo!" the thespians cried.

"Encore!" shouted Desmond, who had enjoyed the performance despite the fact that Jude had burst into tears halfway through, so moved by the beauty of Itachi's speech was he.

"I think we should probably take a bow and leave," Itachi whispered. "Before these lunatics come to their senses."

"ATV's parked about a quarter mile up the road," Kisame whispered, taking Itachi's hand and bowing to the delighted crowd. "Think we can make it?"

"Hn." Plan made, the two gave a final bow and then stepped out of the spotlight. By now night had fallen, and the duo used the darkness to their advantage in making a hasty escape.

"That was beautiful!" Prudence declared. "Best romance I've seen in years."

"Agreed," Maria concurred. "And now that they're gone, maybe the evil author will finally leave us in peace."

"GONE?!" shrieked Anna. "What do you mean, gone?!"

"Well they just took off into the night, boss," Desmond explained. "They're off to live a romantic life or something now."

"Are you kidding?! Those two would be perfect for next season's show!"

"WHAT?!" Maria shrieked.

"Star-crossed lovers, torn apart by circumstances beyond their control! One with a tragic past, the other with a tragic resemblance to fish! Yet their love knows no bounds, and at last they come together under a pale full moon and an incredibly well timed hippy love ballad! Just think of the customers we'd rake in with that kind of performance."

"No," Maria muttered, as if in a trance. "We were so close. We just needed to let them go, and our lives could return to normal."

"Hurry up and pack the camp!" Anna ordered, only to be met with groans of all her thespians. "Fine, wait until morning, but as soon as we eat breakfast, we're taking off!"

"This can't be happening," Maria groaned. "Why oh why is this happening?"

"I have a great feeling about tomorrow," Anna grinned. "Yup, an absolutely wonderful feeling."

"Damn you evil author!" Maria screamed to the heavens, only to be ignored by her counterparts. "And why didn't you just name me Cassandra if I'm the character no one will believe?!"

"Hey Maria, when you're done yelling at your imaginary friend, do you want seconds of franks and hash?" Prudence inquired.

"…Yes please."


	23. Chapter 22

Kisame and Itachi rode back to Zetsu's house on the ATV, Itachi's arms wrapped tightly around Kisame's torso despite their slow speed and how gentle the road was. Kisame wasn't protesting in the least; he was just happy to have his boyfriend back. "Sorry about forgetting the helmets," he called back. "But when that black-haired girl showed up and told us what happened to you, I kinda sorta freaked out."

"Her name's Tenshi," Itachi called back. "She's my godchild. Long story."

"You can tell me later," Kisame replied. "Looks like there's a party for us."

The duo had returned to the house to find all the lights on, and the entirety of the Akatsuki (plus Tenshi and Boom) standing outside on the porch, waiting for them to return. Itachi barely had time to dismount before he was tackled by Konan and Tobi, and then surrounded by the other members who all wanted to make sure that Itachi was both alive and in one piece. "Itachi, are you ok?!" Konan demanded.

"Did the theatre people abuse you?!" Tobi added.

"Were any of them Jashinists?" Hidan had to ask.

"All right, back off and give him room to breathe," Pein ordered. Once the other had moved away long enough for Itachi to collect himself, the leader carried on the inquiries himself. "How are you feeling?"

"Hn."

"Any troubles on the way back?"

"Hn."

"Anything you need to tell me about your little 'experience'?"

"Hn."

"I'm assuming all of those are good answers, since Kisame hasn't freaked out. In that case, you and Kisame should probably go ahead and go to bed." Groans from the shark at this. "Don't whine, the others are going to bed too." Groans from the others. "Oh stop it! We have a bright and early start tomorrow, and the more sleep you get now, the less bitching I have to deal with in the morning!"

"But Pein, we just got Itachi back!" Hidan bemoaned. "One big happy family again, you know? You like that family shit, right?"

"Not as much as I like not listening to you people bitch."

"Pein, please?" Konan begged with big puppy eyes.

"Fine. You can make a batch of cookies. But that's it!" he quickly added. "We're driving back to Konoha tomorrow morning, and for once fate is on our side. We're going to get in the van, we're going to drive home, and nothing, and I do mean nothing, is going to go wrong this time."

-n-

It was a day that would live in infamy. A day that grandparents would shudder to speak about, even years after the fact when their grandchildren curiously asked about the event. A day which no people should ever have to endure and a day no person should ever inflict on another.

It was the day the fangirls came.

The horror began shortly after breakfast time, as Zabuza would recall in later years. He'd stopped at the town's only diner to have a quick bite before he caught up to the Akatsuki. Before, he'd been poking around the town to see where his targets might have gone, and came across a huge lead. The owner of a local knickknack shop had described a group of teens matching the Akatsuki's description heading towards a mansion a few miles up the road not too long ago, meaning the trail would still be fresh.

The hired gun reached for his coffee, but stopped halfway through the motion when the ground began to shake. Zabuza watched as the patrons around him either looked around in shock or ducked under the table, supposing this to be an earthquake. Zabuza, on the other hand, knew that this area of the country was nowhere near a fault line, and had never experienced an earthquake in recorded history. Something was amiss here.

Quickly tossing a few bills down onto the table, Zabuza booked it out of the restaurant to his new Jeep and began looking to and fro, desperate to find the source of the commotion. It didn't take long for his eyes to settle on a large dust cloud coming up the road. Concerned, the mercenary took a pair of binoculars out of the vehicle and zoomed in to see what the cause of the commotion was. Much to his horror, the source of this disturbance was revealed to be a herd of rabid fangirls. "Shit." Throwing the binoculars into the passenger seat, Zabuza dove into the car and started it, tires squealing as he zoomed out of the parking lot. Those fangirls were heading straight for his targets, and if he didn't get there first, there wouldn't be enough left of the Akatsuki to fit into a matchbox.

-meanwhile, at a nearby campsite-

"BOSS!" Desmond screamed, racing towards the back of the bus where he knew the Shakespeare Revival Movement's leader was sleeping. "Boss, you've gotta wake up! There's big trouble, we're screwed, we're-hurk!"

Desmond, in his hurry to wake Anna from her slumber, had forgotten that not only was the sandy-blonde decidedly not a morning person, but also over years of working with theatre people had perfected a chokehold that was practically a reflex by now. As a result, a still slumbering Anna had wrapped one surprisingly strong hand around the thespian's throat, and took her sweet time waking up while the male turned an interesting shade of blue. "Mm…wassat?"

"Boss," he squeaked, "you're choking me."

Finally somewhat awake, Anna released her hold on the boy and retrieved her glasses from their nearby shelf as Desmond inhaled lungful after lungful of sweet air. "Why the hell are you up this early?" she snapped. "You know our policy is-"

"Prudence sent me!" he hurriedly explained. "There's major trouble, Anna! She said it was a code Whiskey Alpha Foxtrot!"

"A code WAF, huh…" Blearily the leader hauled herself out of bed and stumbled towards the front of the bus, cursing anything or anyone that managed to trip her up. "Prudence, what the hell's going on?" she demanded, shoving Lennon into a nearby conga set once she reached the driver's compartment.

"There's a HUGE herd of fangirls coming this way," the blonde explained, pointing to a large circled area on her map that indicated the enemy. "And judging from our scouts' reports, they're heading in the direction we suspect the fair maiden and mister sharky went. If they get there first-"

"We're out an act for next season's show," Anna finished, finally being jarred to full consciousness by this nasty turn of events. "All right, load the cannons and fire up the engines, ladies and gents! Our retrieval mission has now become a rescue mission, and may all your gods and mine help you if we fail in this venture!"

"But Anna, we used all the sneezing powder to clear the roadblock!" Desmond argued, nervously watching Lennon, who was still lying among the conga drums and was nursing what looked to be a rather terrible head wound.

Anna's response was a grin and a devious chuckle that sent chills down his spine. "Well then, dear Desmond, we'll just to have to improvise."

-meanwhile, at the mansion-

"All right, is everything loaded up?" Pein demanded while trying to suppress a yawn.

"Looks like it," Konan answered, seeing that the other members and all their bags had been put into the back end of the van, and most of the teens were already curled up on top of each other, preparing to go back to sleep.

Pein was about to reply, but stopped when he felt the ground beneath his feet tremble. "What the heck?"

"Pein, what's going on?" Konan nervously inquired, trying desperately to keep her balance as the shaking grew worse and worse.

"I don't know, but we're getting out of here before we have a chance to find out." Quickly the two of them shut the rear doors and piled into the car, where Pein started the engine and hurried down the driveway towards the main road.

Their rush to leave hadn't escaped the attention of the other Akatsuki members, who were now starting to wake up after noticing their leader's anxiety. "Pein?" Kisame asked, sitting up in the back of the van.

"Everything is fine," Pein promised, albeit not very convincingly. "We're getting out of here before anything else can possibly go wrong." Starting the engine, Pein started down the driveway, pulling out on the main road-

And immediately catching sight of a massive caravan behind them. "What the hell is that?!" Konan shouted, prompting the other members to look out the back windows.

"Oh shit, it's the JRCH fangirls!" Hidan shrieked, propelling himself back as far from the doorway as he could get. "They found us!" As if to confirm his suspicions, the fangirls gave a mighty war cry and increased their speed, closing in on the Akatsuki van.

"Pein, you might want to step on it!" Kisame suggested loudly, watching the fangirls with an increasingly high amount of worry.

"Working on it!"

BAM

The van suddenly swerved as a dent appeared in their roof. "The hell is that?!" Hidan shrieked. His answer came a moment later with another bang as harpoon ripped a hole into the roof, the weapon's spiked tip catching on the metal. Moments later the harpoon peeled the roof off, like it was nothing more than the lid of a tin can. "Pein, do something!"

"I'm open to suggestions, you know!" the leader snapped, increasing their speed all the more. "Wait, Deidara! Do you have any explosives left?"

"Just my flash bombs-"

"THROW THEM!" everyone screamed, making the blond jump in his seat.

"All right, un! Cover your eyes," Deidara ordered, extracting the remaining explosives from his bag and taking aim. "Let's hope this does something, un!" And with that, he threw the bombs at the cars behind him.

BOOM

Shrieks of surprise and pain arose from the girls as several cars spun off the road and came to rest in a field. The victory was short-lived, however; the horde of fangirls was still a mighty force to be reckoned with, and they were still closing in on the Akatsuki. "**Well that did nothing,**" Zetsu dead-panned.

"Hey, at least I did something, un!"

"Dear Kami, we need a miracle," Kakuzu groaned as Hidan whimpered into his shoulder.

BANG

The entire Akatsuki (minus Pein, who was still focused on driving) watched in dumbfounded amazement as a cannon blast knocked one of the minivans clear off its tires. Suddenly a multi-colored double-decker bus swung into view, cannons mounted on top and still smoking from the blast. "Fire!" A sandy-blonde shouted, sending another volley of shots into the fangirl masses.

"Is that…?" Kisame inquired, eyes wide in disbelief.

"Hn," Itachi confirmed.

-meanwhile, with the SRM-

"Boss, the fangirls are onto us and planning to return fire!" Desmond shouted at his leader from his position behind the second cannon.

"Help! I need somebody. Help! Not just anybody-"

"Not now Lennon!" Anna snapped, peering down her underlings in the driver's compartment. "Tell Prudence to fall back so we can attack from the rear. Haku, how many pots do we have left?"

"None," the boy called back. "The prop department said that last volley used them up!"

"Damn." Anna thought for a few seconds before giving him a command of, "Grab the encyclopedias and tape some decorative rocks to them!" Suddenly, the woman noticed a Mack truck pulling up beside them, pointing some kind of bazooka at them. "Hit the deck!"

BOOM

Her warning came a little too late; although Anna was able to duck in time, Desmond was hit head-on by a barrage of brightly colored orbs. "_Golf balls,_" Anna thought. "_Probably from some mini-golf course._" Growling, Anna grabbed a nearby bucket of grease for the cannon hinges and hurled it at the truck's window. The grease managed to obscure the driver's vision and resulted in the truck crashing in a nearby ditch. "Well there goes the supplies to keep our cannons slick." Growling obscenities under her breath, Anna grabbed the injured Desmond and hauled him to the ladder leading back into the bus, lowering him into the waiting hand's of Lennon. Before she could formulate a decent counterattack, the woman's attention was diverted by the sound of sirens approaching from a distance. "Oh, perfect."

-meanwhile, with the Akatsuki-

"The police are coming!" Konan exclaimed, looking in the rearview mirror and seeing flashing red and blue lights approaching from a distance.

"And they've got choppers!" Sasori added, pointing up through the hole in their roof.

"Attention, this is the police!" a voice called out over a megaphone. "Everyone, stop your vehicles and pull over to the side of the road. You are driving recklessly and endangering the lives of everyone on the road!"

"No kidding," Pein growled.

"What does Sir Leader think we should do?" Tobi asked.

"We can't stop. The fangirls will tear Hidan to pieces before the cops can help."

"Then what should we do?" Konan inquired.

"Let's hope that crazy bus puts a stop to our pursuers." Kisame opened his mouth to let Pein know that even if the fangirls were halted, the bus would bring its own set of problems to the Akatsuki, but was stopped by Itachi's hand. One problem at a time.

-meanwhile-

"Here are the books-" Haku began, attempting to hand the ammunition up to Anna.

"Get up here!" Anna demanded, grabbing the boy by his collar and hauling him up the ladder to the roof. "Desmond's down for the count and I need another shooter!"

"But I don't-"

"Load the cannons and get ready! Those golf carts don't look too friendly." Haku's eyes widened as he saw a few golf carts with razor-tipped wheels and makeshift flamethrowers mounted onto the side. No longer needing further prompting, the boy loaded the canons and aimed, prepared to fire given the proper command. "Easy," Anna cautioned, waiting for the carts to get within range. One missed shot, and they'd be sliced to ribbons before getting a chance to reload. "NOW!"

BOOM

BOOM

Two of the carts took direct hits, but the third merely had the flamethrower knocked off and kept coming. "Shit, prepare for impact!" Anna commanded, bracing herself against the cannon as Haku did the same. However, the impact never came; instead, the two SRM members heard gunshots go off, blowing out the golf cart's tires and sending it swerving off the road. "Who the hell is that?"

"It's Zabuza!" Haku exclaimed, unable to stop grinning.

Sure enough, the mercenary had gotten caught up in the chase, and was now zooming along in his Jeep just behind the Shakespeare Revival Movement's bus. He had been shooting at the fangirls to make a path to the Akatsuki; however, after hearing Haku's exclamation, the man looked up and saw his partner on the bus' roof. "Haku?! What the hell are you doing up there?!"

"Fighting the fangirls! Are you all right?" Haku shouted back over the din of sirens, screaming girls, and explosions.

"What do you think?!"

"Hey, Haku," Anna said, drawing the boy's attention back to her. "That's Momochi Zabuza driving that Jeep and shooting at people, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Kid, be honest; if you had to pick right now, would you stay with us, or go back to him?"

"Is this really the time?!"

"Just answer the question. The war can hold on for a little bit."

Haku lowered his eyes, turning the question over in his head a few times. "I'm happy to be here, even if you people did kidnap me and hold me against my will. You have all been very kind to me, and I feel useful and wanted. But Zabuza took me in as a child and raised me. As much as I'd like to stay, I owe him. And honestly, I miss him."

Anna, to his surprise, gave the boy a genuine smile. "Good answer. Well then, Haku, it is with a heavy heart that I must fire you from your position as head medic/female extra #3 in the Shakespeare Revival Movement. But remember, if you're ever in the mood for a career change, there's always an open bunk for you." Moving faster than his eyes could follow, Anna rushed up to him and roundhouse kicked him square in the chest, sending the boy flying off the bus' roof.

It seemed like time slowed down for Haku as he went flying through the air. To think, this was how it all ended; being kicked off a theatre bus, crashing on the outskirts of a desert and being run over by a herd of fangirls. The boy felt as though his body was paralyzed as his life flashed before his eyes: shouting and gunshots and strong arms picking him up and books and sandwiches and more shouting and blocks and training and knives and fleeing and crying and praise and odd looks and experimental cooking and missions and danger and the SRM and friendship and-

WHAM

And now the air was knocked out of him as a familiar arm snagged him around his ribcage, brakes squealing as the Jeep slowed down. "Shit, what the hell was that bitch thinking, throwing you off a bus like that?!" Zabuza snapped, hauling Haku into the passenger's seat. "If I hadn't caught you, you'd be roadkill right now!"

"I'm…alive?"

"Barely-shit!" Zabuza swerved to the right, barely avoiding a large truck that zoomed past them. "We need to get out of here." Not waiting for Haku's input on the matter, Zabuza pulled off onto a side road, letting the fangirls and cops zoom past. "That probably would've ended badly."

"Zabuza, they're getting away!" Haku exclaimed.

The hired hand slowly turned to Haku, a brow raised in disbelief. "You were just thrown off the roof of a bus, and you're worried about our targets?"

"I'm fine," Haku assured him. "Just a few bruised ribs, that's all."

Zabuza sighed and buried a hand in his hair. "Haku, how long have you been in my care?"

"Ten years," the boy answered without hesitation.

"Precisely. I've spent ten years training you to be an ideal partner for me. Meaning that you are a huge investment for me. So in this case, your well-being takes priority over getting paid for this job. Besides, the longer I'm on this assignment, the more our employer rubs me the wrong way. This guy's obsessed with taking down those kids."

"…"

"Haku?"

"…erk…"

"Haku? Are you crying?"

The teen shook his head fervently, despite the fact that tears were now streaming down his face. "I'm sorry, Zabuza. I can't help it."

"Look, I know you're upset about us failing, but don't be. We'll do better next time, ok? So don't…don't cry so much." Haku nodded and wiped at his eyes. He'd let the older man believe that the tears were ones of disappointment, and not tears of joy that Zabuza cared about him.

-back at the main plot-

"Pein, they're closing in on us!" Kakuzu informed the leader. "And the bus is falling back!"

BANG

As the bus disappeared from sight, an ATV suddenly zoomed into their line of view, carrying two familiar rednecks with sawed-off shotguns. "Don't worry folks, we're here to help!" Kankuro yelled out to Itachi, Boom and Tenshi. "We've got this under control; right Gaara?"

"I reckon," the redhead replied, shooting out another car's tires. "Head's up; we got a buncha crazies on the left."

"Oh heck no!" Kankuro shouted, taking a few shots at the vehicle. "You're going down like the price of week-old beef jerky!"

"Who the hell are they?" Kisame inquired, watching the rednecks tackle their enemies with gusto.

"They helped us catch up to you guys," Tenshi explained. "Really sweet; but what are they doing out here?"

"Great, we've got fangirls, rednecks, and a hippie bus on our tail, plus wherever that crazy mercenary guy went. What to do, what to do," Pein muttered to himself. Fortunately for the leader, he didn't have to make a decision, because at that moment, one of the van's tires blew out.

Pein tried to keep control of the vehicle, which was rather difficult given the speed at which they'd been driving. Finally the leader made a complete donut, reducing the speed enough to make the van come to a complete stop in the middle of the road. "Phew, that could've ended badly," Konan noted.

"It's not over," Hidan yelled, panic creeping into his voice. "Look out!"

The fangirls who were still pursuing the Akatsuki had maintained their high speeds when the van crashed, and thus were now approaching the group at an alarming rate. Realizing that they were about to crush their idol, the fangirls in front slammed on the brakes, much to the confusion of the girls in back who'd yet to see the crash. This resulted in several cars stopping several feet from the Akatsuki van, before numerous vehicles behind them slammed them forward and created a multicar pileup, including the ATV carrying Gaara and Kankuro. The pièce de résistance was the SRM bus bringing up the rear, slamming into several golf carts and partially falling over onto its side. At last came the police, some of whom crashed into the car pile and others who were able to pull around the mess and completely surround the fangirls, the rednecks, the SRM, and most of all, the Akatsuki.

"Hehe, look on the bright side," Tobi chirped in an all too happy manner, while all the other members moaned and groaned from the crash. "At least with the cops here, the fangirls won't rip Hidan to pieces."

"Tobi?" Pein began, seriously dazed by what had just happened.

"Yes?"

"Please be a good boy and shut up."


	24. Chapter 23

Never before had the jail of Maytown been subjected to such a crowd, or had such a huge number of hooligans in that crowd. There was a theatre troop that had immediately started quoting Shakespeare upon being taken in, two rednecks that no one wanted to lock up because they were the only mechanics around knowledgeable enough to fix the destroyed police vehicles, and at least two hundred angry girls from a nearby religious camp that were demanding the immediate release of one of the hooligans found in a large van. For their own safety, that group had been quarantined off from all the other captured persons and given extra protection. The only saving grace for the police force was that the media had yet to hear that one of the apprehended suspects was Deidara Iwa, a teen that had been reported missing a few weeks ago and was currently the subject of a nationwide manhunt. As far as the local TV station knew, the pileup on the interstate was nothing more than the result of reckless driving by the religious fanatics.

CRASH

Speaking of fanatics- "Chief!"

"What is it, Zenigata?"

"Those crazy girls won't settle down! They're flipping over the tables, the beds, everything!"

Chief Wednesday sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, making a mental note that it needed a good wash when this fiasco was over and done. "We may have to break out the tear gas if this doesn't stop soon."

"I know, but they're minors! Think of the public backlash!"

CRASH

"That's what PR people are for," Wednesday replied. "Give them one last warning, then blast 'em."

"Right, sir."

"Good. Oh, before you go," the police chief added as Officer Zenigata was about to step out, "how are the cars looking?"

"Kankuro says he can have them fixed as soon as the new parts come in. Also, he and his brother are very sorry about this, but they wanted to make sure those kids you picked up in the van weren't hurt by all those zealots chasing them."

"I don't doubt that for a second. See if we can't get them off with a fine and some community service, will ya?"

"I'll look into it."

Watching his underling until the man was completely out of the room, Chief Wednesday turned to the mountain of paperwork in front of him and shook his head. "Whoever those kids are, they sure caused one hell of a mess. Shame too; another five miles and they would've been across the county line, and I wouldn't be dealing with this."

-meanwhile, in the holding area-

"Well this is just perfect," Hidan growled. "Real fucking nice. The one time we actually get an out, everything blows up in our face!"

"To be fair, I don't think anyone suspected we were going to be chased by the fangirls, the thespians, an assassin, two redneck mechanics and the police all at once," Kisame meekly offered.

"Hn," Itachi pointed out.

"He said that Gaara and Kankuro don't count because they were just trying to help, not capture us," Kisame explained as Itachi nodded in agreement.

"Nice to see those two are back on good terms," Konan muttered to Tobi, who was grateful his smirk was hidden behind his mask. In the confusion of processing over two hundred people at once, some things had slipped past the wary eyes of the law, and Tobi's mask, hidden in his jacket at the time, was one of them.

Their chat was interrupted by the presence of two guards escorting Zetsu back into their cell. Once the schizo was back among the Akatsuki members, Pein rushed forward and began conversing with the man. "Well?"

"I spoke with our lawyers. They should be here in a few hours, give or take."

"We have lawyers, un?" Deidara asked in surprise.

"Of course we do! How do you think we've managed to avoid a jail cell for so long?" Pein demanded.

"Good luck, un?"

Pein rolled his eyes but chose not to comment. "The first thing we have to do is clear ourselves of the kidnapping Deidara charges. I suggest you and Sasori go over the details of what happened the night he picked you up and come up with a better story than Sasori knocked you out and you woke up in a car." Deciding that now would probably be a pretty good time to do as their leader instructed, Sasori and Deidara went off into a corner and sat together, whispering so that only they could hear. Satisfied, Pein turned back to the others. "Now then; we have to deal with the reality that we're beyond simply going to the police and clearing everything up in a timely manner. We're involved in a high speed chase with groups that probably have longer track records than us, and the authorities are going to want to know why they were chasing us in the first place. We also evaded arrest at that park, and need to account for that as well, if they figured out that was us. There is a very high chance that this is going to end up in a trial."

"You're sure about that?" Kakuzu asked.

"I wouldn't have called the lawyers if I didn't consider it highly possible. That said, we have enough funds set aside to post bail, but we're going to need to figure out the living arrangements between posting bail and the trial, because I highly doubt the courts will smile on our current setup. Who still has a home to go back to?"

"I can call my brother and ask if he can spare the couch for a couple nights," Kisame reasoned. "And Itachi could go with me."

"I could move back in for a while," Hidan grumbled. "It'd be hell coming back without converting you dumbasses, but I think if I mention how the fangirls are acting, they'll be all right. And they'll probably let 'Kuzu stay too, since he rescued me and everything."

"And Deidara would of course go home to his parents. That still leaves the issue of Sasori, whose grandmother left him to move out of the country, Tobi and Zetsu, who aren't officially emancipated, as far as I know, and myself and Konan, who have been living in a house technically owned by a distant relation whom we haven't seen in more than two years." Pein bit his lip, thinking hard. "We need some sort of state-trained official to act as our pro tempore guardian. Zetsu, get to thinking about who fits the bill. Itachi, you help Zetsu and Tobi think up a good cover story for their current living arrangements. Konan, figure out how we're going to get in touch with your uncle. Everyone else, try to behave and keep quiet. We don't need any more trouble."

-four hours later-

Chief Wednesday nearly had a heart attack when the door to his office was suddenly thrown open, and his desk was assaulted by two men in pinstripe suits, both yelling loudly and one brandishing a briefcase in a manner most threatening.

"-all my years, I've never seen such disgraceful police work!" shouted the one on the left with blue eyes and neatly kept brown hair.

"We demand to see our clients immediately!" the other chimed in, this one having green eyes, red hair, and the afore-mentioned briefcase.

Chief Wednesday was given a brief reprieve from the attack when other officers rushed into the office, prompting to the duo to back off. "Might I ask who the hell you are?"

"We are the lawyers sent to represent Mr. Pein Pungare, et al," the brunette stated as he handed the officer a business card. "The name is Mr. Foolery. Tom Foolery, to be precise."

"Mr. Nanigans is the name," the redhead chimed in, handing his own card over. "Sean Nanigans."

"Our mothers were Irish and had a terrible sense of humor," Foolery explained, noticing the look of disbelief on Chief Wednesday's face.

"Well now that you've answered that question, mind explaining WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE DOING IN MY OFFICE?!"

"We received a call from our clients informing us that they'd been apprehended by your men and required legal representation post haste."

"They have the right to legal consul, and we won't leave here without giving it to them!"

"Fine, fine, one of my men will take you down the hall!" The officer shook his head as the lawyers were led out of the room. "Great, psycho members of the bar. Like I needed another reason to hate my job." Sighing, the man began shuffling some of the papers on his desk in an effort to do something with his hands. "Maybe I can get them to see a judge this afternoon and have them post bail. Then they can go back out of state and be someone else's problem."

-meanwhile, back in Konoha-

Tsunade had been busy outlining plans for the high school's upcoming field day when the phone in her office went off. The woman briefly wondered why Shizune hadn't screened the call before letting it through, and then remembered that her secretary had been given the afternoon off due to an upset stomach. Still, someone calling her at this time of day, on a Saturday no less, was a bit of a surprise, and it was with a slight amount of caution that Tsunade answered her phone. "Hello?"

"Thank Kami, I was beginning to worry you weren't in today," a familiar voice stated.

Tsunade started, nearly knocking over her coffee mug in the process. "Pein?!"

"That's my name."

"Where are you?! The police have been turning the entire city upside-down looking for you kids! I've been trying to tell the local news stations you're not bad guys, but the Akatsuki has a certain reputation that sort of precedes my claims!"

"First and foremost, I must once again deny these allegations that my friends or myself have any involvement with this Akatsuki group." Tsunade rolled her eyes but let it slide. "Second, I am aware the police are chasing us, just as you are aware that those kidnapping charges are completely bogus. But that's neither here nor there, as right now all of us are currently sitting in a jail cell."

"What-"

"Please, I'm on our lawyer's cell phone and don't have much time."

"You have lawyers?"

"Principal Tsunade!"

"Sorry. What is it?"

"I need a huge favor. I promise I can make it worth your while, but I need an answer very soon. My lawyer should be faxing over the papers right now, if the number we have for the office fax machine is still good." Tsunade looked across the room to see that her fax machine was indeed spitting out several papers in a hasty manner, and told Pein such. "Excellent. Now if you can grab them and look everything over, I'll explain the rest."

Tsunade quickly set down the phone and scooped up the papers, shuffling them into an organized stack as she returned to her seat. Once she got a good look at the papers, however, her eyes nearly bugged out of her head, and it took her a moment to compose herself before she could pick up the phone and speak again. "Pein, are you insane?!"

"Just hear me out-"

"This breaks every moral code in the book, and you know it! How could you even think-"

"We need someone with your credentials, and no one else would help thanks to our supposed reputation!" Pein hurriedly explained. "Please Principal Tsunade, we need you."

Tsunade looked over the files in her hand, torn between professional opinion and her attachment to the Akatsuki. They were little bastards who made her life a living hell, but damn it, at the end of the day they were good kids that didn't deserve this mess! Plus they had kept the crime rates down at her school for the past two years, and that had to count for something. "You do realize you and all your friends will be up to your necks in debt to me for this, don't you? Possibly for years."

"We've discussed it and are willing to take that risk."

Tsunade looked over the forms once more, before giving a sigh of resignation into the phone. "Fine, I'll do it. But no funny business, got it?!"

"Thank you for this," Pein murmured, the weight of his gratitude carrying through the phone line. "Just fill everything out and fax it back to the number on the bottom of the last page. I have to go now." And before Tsunade even had a chance to reply, the ginger had hung up.

Tsunade replaced the phone receiver in its cradle and picked up a nearby pen to begin filling out the forms. "To think, today was looking to be such a normal day…"

-that evening-

Pein and the rest of the Akatsuki members were brought before a judge a few hours later. He was a middle-aged fellow with salt and pepper hair, who seemed just as eager as everyone else for the teens to post bail and get the hell out of his county. "For the record, I'm willing to set bail at a reasonable price, but as you're all minors I need to know whose custody you'll be released into. According to these records, a number of you no longer live with your parents, if you even still have them around! Can you provide a reliable guardian with the appropriate credentials, or will the state need to appoint one for you?"

"That won't be necessary, your honor," Mr. Foolery assured. "Until the day of their trial, most of these children will be kept under the watchful gaze of Senju Tsunade. Permission to approach the bench?" Once permission was given, Foolery walked forward and placed a sizeable stack of papers in front of the judge, who gave them a wary glance before looking back to the lawyer for an explanation. "Tsunade has known each and every one of these teens for years. She's familiar with enforcing discipline, and is a certified state social worker. The woman is also responsible for no less than forty at-risk teens getting into college, and is willing to watch over these teens pro bono."

"I'm familiar with her work; the woman's written half the papers used for defenses in most of the trials I see. Hmm…this file says she's only going to watch about half of them," the judge noted.

"Correct, because the rest have already made-"

"I'll release them into her custody, but only on condition that they all remain under her care. No point in splitting the group up; some of them might decide to run off before the trial if you leave them alone. Bail is set at $10,000 each; I wish you kids the best of luck in your future, and hope to never see you standing before me like this again."

Most of the Akatsuki cheered, grateful that they wouldn't be split up. Kakuzu, on the other hand, fainted as soon as he'd heard what the bail would be, and Hidan was now stuck with the task of waking him up.

-two days later-

"Tobi, that's my shampoo, un!" Deidara shouted from the upstairs bathroom.

"But Tobi needs it to clean the squirrels!"

"Then use the pet shampoo, un!"

"But sempai's shampoo makes them silky soft!"

BOOM

"I said no, un!"

"WAAAAAAH, Deidara sempai is mean!"

Tsunade stood up from the kitchen table to tell the boys to settle down, only to be stopped by Pein. "Don't bother. As soon as that explosion went off, Zetsu and Sasori were halfway there. The most you'll have to worry about now is pouting at dinner."

Tsunade sat back down, returning to her afternoon cup of coffee. "Is it always like this?"

"Not really. I told everyone to be on their best behavior for you. That's primarily the reason Hidan's gutting the squirrels in the backyard shed, instead of the kitchen."

"You mean those squirrels Tobi wanted to clean?!"

"Oh no," Pein assured, sipping his own cup of coffee and looking over a crossword puzzle. "Those are his pets. They were too scraggly to eat, so he took them in and nursed them back to reasonable health. The squirrels they breed are what we eat."

"You breed them?!"

"What did you think we did, caught wild squirrels from the park? They could have rabies."

"Pein, there's this amazing thing called a supermarket-"

CRASH

"Take cover!" Kisame screamed as he dove under the kitchen table, nearly colliding headfirst into Tsunade's knees from the force he'd been travelling at. "It's every man for himself!"

"What have I told you about bothering Konan on her period?" Pein asked, not even looking away from his crossword puzzle to see the shark trembling at his feet.

"You said the new birth control made her less violent!" Kisame snapped in an accusatory manner.

"No, I said it made her more stable. If you interrupt The Breakfast Club during this time of the month, things will not end well for you. You've been here for over a year, you should know that by now."

"Can I stay under here for a while?"

"Fine, just give Principal Tsunade some leg room." There was a bit of shuffling under the table, followed by an apology to the blonde woman for Kisame's taking up so much space.

"That's fine," Tsunade replied in an airy voice. "Wait, aren't you and Itachi usually glued at the hips?"

"He's going over the paperwork to legally emancipate Tobi," Kisame explained. "His exact words were 'Hn', so I went ahead and got out."

"Don't ask, it makes sense to him and that's good enough for me," Pein interjected before Tsunade had a chance to speak. "Kisame, how's Kakuzu doing?"

"Still crying about all that money we had to pay. Pein, where _did_ we get all that money?"

"I've been meaning to ask you about that," Tsunade added, giving the ginger a wary look.

"Hm, what's a four letter word for leisure time…"

"Pein," Tsunade warned.

The Akatsuki leader sighed and set down his puzzle for the moment. "You're familiar with the fact that Zetsu is good with computers, right?"

"If by familiar you mean well aware that he was the one who hacked into the school's server and scrambled all our files last year, then yes, yes I am."

"As always, I fervently deny any affiliation I or my friends have with this Akatsuki group. Anyway, Zetsu has actually put those skills to good use and started an anti-virus company, which you may know by the name FlyTrap."

"He owns that?!" Tsunade gasped.

"Founder, chief programmer, and CEO. A good chunk of the profits go to charity, of course, and it's not too well known yet, but his income last year was just under a million, even after taxes."

"Wait, do they know about this?" Tsunade asked, gesturing to the rest of the house.

"Nope. Only Kakuzu knows because he's in charge of finances, and of course Konan and I because we were there when Zetsu started the company. And Kisame now, but I highly doubt he'll tell anyone, right?"

"Lips are sealed," Kisame promised.

"Let me get this straight," Tsunade began. "You people all live together in this house, two to a room except for right now, because you and Konan are in the living room so I can have the master bedroom."

"That's correct."

"You produce, among other things, explosives, squirrels, anti-virus software, and Jashinist propaganda."

"Also correct."

"Most of you have no apparent common ground, yet you've managed to live together for over a year without killing one another, or forcing anyone out of the house."

"Again, correct."

"And despite all this chaos that I'm both aware and unaware of, you manage to find time not only to keep up with your school work, but also wreak havoc on the unsuspecting public in any chance you get."

"Precisely."

"…"

"Principal Tsunade? You look a little pale."

"I'm fine Pein. Just need a few minutes to process all this. That's all."

"Here." Tsunade looked down to see that Pein was offering her a bottle of Advil. "It's not much, but it helps."

"Pein swears by it," Kisame added, still in his hiding place under the table.

Tsunade opened the bottle and quickly dry swallowed two of the pills. And to think, the trial wouldn't be for another two weeks.


	25. Chapter 24

The next month consisted mostly of the majority of the Akatsuki sitting at a table with their lawyers and Tsunade, going over the charges they'd be pressing and the charges being pressed upon them while eating pizza and guzzling sodas like they were going out of style. Foolery began reading off the charges, while Nanigans helped himself to another slice of pepperoni and sausage pizza. "Ok, we're facing charges of reckless driving and endangerment of nearby citizens, breaking and entering in the home of Mr. Senju's family-"

"Zetsu, for the hundredth time."

"Wait, your last name is Senju?" Sasori asked in surprise.

"Yes, why?"

"It's just…never mind."

"Continuing on," Mr. Foolery interjected before the conversation could get too far off track, "We dodged one count evading arrest at that park, since Konan paying in cash means that there's no paper trail (meaning you people are best off never speaking of that again) but we're still working on getting the police to drop the original charge, so that's the main battle we'll be fighting. Oh, and there's the small matter of Itachi being charged with assault-"

"WHAT?!"

"Yes, apparently he bludgeoned a mandolin player with his own mandolin," Nanigans explained, looking over the case file beneath his can of root beer. "I've never seen a case like this before, so points for originality, Mr. Uchiha."

"Why that little-"

"Easy angel," Kisame began, attempting to soothe Itachi. Back on good terms with his boyfriend, Kisame had returned to fulfilling an Akatsuki member's explicit task of keeping his partner happy and under control, which was becoming increasingly difficult as the group's trial date came ever closer and closer.

"Foolery and Nanigans will handle it," Pein assured the weasel. This bout of legal trouble had brought out a surprisingly capable side of Pein, and for once the Akatsuki members were obeying their leader's orders without much arguing. "Just go back to doing our homework. That's our number one concern right now, and you know it."

Due to their imminent prosecution/prosecuting, Tsunade had given the Akatsuki an extended absence from school, seeing as they'd only draw more fame and renown from their fellow students for actually ending up in court this time. The absence was contingent on one important factor, however: they still needed to turn in their homework on time, lest they fall too far behind in class and needed to be help back (something that Tsunade was sure would cause half the teachers to revolt against her, and was more of the driving force for this decision than anything else).

To no one's surprise, Pein interpreted these terms and conditions of their continued enrollment as "dump everything on Itachi because he can handle it", and as a result the weasel had spent the past three weeks at a desk in the kitchen, typing up papers and filling out take-home tests like there was no tomorrow.

"You know, if you are going to undermine my school system's rules, you could at least try and hide it," Tsunade grumbled, more than a bit miffed at the teenager's blatant lack of respect for her authority.

"Itachi's just maintaining our current GPAs," Pein assured the principal. "I need everyone else to focus on behaving themselves and not getting us into more legal problems, and quite frankly most of them have difficulty multi-tasking if it involves staying on the good side of the law."

Tsunade couldn't really argue that point; these kids were bright, but most of them had definitely come into the world lacking the average amount of common sense. Besides, living with the Akatsuki for these past few weeks had greatly reduced her will to fight any idea which didn't involve blood or fire, as the woman had quickly learned that those were really the only two things you needed to concern yourself with when picking battles in this house. "Just don't make it blatantly obviously that the group genius is handling your homework, got it?"

"Hn," Itachi agreed as he handed a finished essay to Pein. It was a very fortunate thing that Itachi had the willpower to persevere through carpal tunnel, otherwise the Akatsuki would have been in trouble days ago.

"He wants to know if it's C+ quality," Kisame translated. "For Hidan's English class."

"C'mon Itachi, at least make it a B!" Hidan begged. "For Jashin's sake, I can't do my own work right now, I've gotta deal with all those fucking fangirls!"

"And all 12,432 cases of assault we're pressing against them," Foolery added. "Although it would probably be easier and cheaper to just charge the JRCH for poor security and endangerment of visitors."

"Done and done!" Nanigans concurred. "Last, we no longer have to deal with a charge of kidnapping Deidara, but, er…child services might possibly kinda sorta be planning on looking into his family situation-"

"WHAT, UN?!"

Sasori knew his partner well enough to sense that a verbal explosion was imminent, and did his best to cut it off before it was too late. "Deidara-"

"Why the hell are they investigating, un?! The police didn't find anything here-"

"Thank Kami," Pein murmured.

"And I'm better living with you guys, un! Danna gives me more love and attention than my parents ever did, and hell will freeze over before I leave again, un!"

"Deidara, the lawyers are handling it," Pein promised. "Please settle down; you're scaring Ms. Tsunade."

"It's just…un!" Deidara growled, hurling his can of soda across the room. Tragically for the bomber, his can bounced off the wall and rebounded onto Itachi's desk, spilling soda all over the laptop and shorting out the device. Everyone stood stock still as the weasel stared in disbelief at the wrecked laptop, and all the unfinished work that he'd now lost because of the blond's foolish mistake. "Um…whoops?" Deidara offered with a nervous chuckle. "Sorry Itachi, un."

The weasel set his lips in a grim line, abruptly stood up and knocked his chair back, and stormed out of the room with a final, "Hn."

"Angel!" Kisame scolded, blanching from the weasel's comment.

"What did he say?" Pein asked, worried that the message had been some sort of veiled threat against Deidara. The last thing he needed right now was dissention among the ranks, but with his luck that would be where things were headed now.

"I'm not repeating it," the shark answered. "I'd have to scrub my mouth with soap. In a minute, I'm gonna scrub out his mouth with soap!"

"Jashin damnit, it can't be that bad," Hidan snapped. "Just fucking tell us."

"Fine. But…Zetsu, can you cover Tobi's ears?"

"Tobi wants to hear!" the masked teen protested. Nevertheless, Zetsu clamped his hands over the younger man's ears, and nodded to Kisame once he was positive that the Uchiha couldn't hear a thing.

Tobi had to admit, not getting to hear what his cousin had said was almost worth watching as the other Akatsuki members, the lawyers, and Tsunade gaped at the shark with every increasing horror, turn various shades of pink, green, or pale, and finally sank into a zombie-like state when the shark finished. Translation complete, Kisame rose from his seat and exited the room, presumably to wash his mouth out with soap as he'd previously promised to do.

"Right," Pein finally said after taking a long sip of soda. "From now on, when Kisame says we don't wanna know what Itachi just said, we should probably listen to him. Agreed?"

The concurrence of this sentiment was unanimous.

-later that evening-

Deidara sat on the couch in the living room, flipping through the channels in a bored manner. The blond would have much rather preferred to be in the attic with Sasori, but the Akasuna was doing a bit of sanding right now, and sawdust had to be in the top five on the list of things that are unbelievably difficult to get out of your hair. Thus, Deidara was currently confined to the living room, and Kami knew when he'd be able to go back upstairs.

Deidara's lamenting was temporarily halted by the sound of the doorbell ringing, followed by a knock on the front door. Curious, the bomber got out of his seat and approached the door's peephole to see who it could be. The lawyers had already gone home and promised not to come back until Itachi was in a better mood, and the media had given them a wide berth, so who could it be? Squinting, Deidara stood on his toes and looked out, shocked to find- "Mom? Dad?!"

Completely flabbergasted by the appearance of his parents, Deidara hastily unlocked and opened the door to get a better look, and demand an explanation for why the two adult Iwas were standing on his porch. Legally they were to be kept apart until child services could figure out what to do with Deidara, and their presence, however well meaning, could only hurt their cause.

Unfortunately for the bomber, Deidara never got a chance to voice these concerns in an articulate manner. As soon as the door was opened he was assaulted by a hug from his mom, who appeared to be on the verge of bursting into tears. "Oh sweetie, we've missed you so much!"

"Mom?! The lawyers said you can't be here, un! It'll skew-"

"We know, Deidara, but this needs to be said. And not over the phone; your father and I agreed that this needed to be done face to face, and the sooner the better." Stepping back, Deidara's mother took a deep, cleansing breath, and gave her son a loving look. "We understand why you ran away. We should've figured it out a long time ago, but we needed to see it in plain ol' black and white in the papers, I guess."

"Son," Deidara's father picked up, "why didn't you just tell us you're gay?"

"…What, un?"

Deidara's mom continued giving a rather baffled Deidara a look of pure love and understanding, completely oblivious to her son's confusion. "Oh sweetie, after reading about you and this Sasori fellow, we finally saw the truth! You were too scared to admit that you were gay to us, so you let us send you away to boarding school to hide it! But then I guessed you missed your boyfriend too much and didn't want to hide, so you ran away with your friends to escape from it all."

"That's not-"

"Honestly, Deidara," Mr. Iwa continued, "it was reckless and stupid of you to act like that, but I suppose I can see why you thought it was necessary."

"But son, we love you for who and what you are, not what you think we want you to be! Gay or straight, you're still our Deidara, and we love you no matter what!"

"We need to go now, honey," Deidara's father interrupted, touching his wife on the shoulder. "If the police find out about this-"

"Right, dear. We'll see you soon, baby; we love you bunches!" And before Deidara could get a word in edgewise, his parents had run off the porch and gotten into their car, before driving off into the night.

Wordlessly, Deidara shut and locked the door, walked up one flight of stairs and then the ladder to the attic (happy to find that Sasori was done with the sanding for now) and crawled into bed, pulling the covers over his head. "Deidara?" Sasori asked, giving his boyfriend a confused look.

"My parents are the biggest idiots on planet Earth, un," Deidara explained before pulling a pillow over his head.

"Might I ask what brought this on?"

Deidara poked his head out from under the pillow to give Sasori a flat look. "They think I ran away with you because I was scared to tell them I'm gay, un." And with that, he ducked back under the pillow.

Sasori blinked once, twice, and then burst out laughing, doubling over and clutching his sides as tears brimmed in his eyes. "They honestly…think…oh dear Kami, that's hilarious."

"It's not funny, un," Deidara pouted from under the covers.

"Oh yes it is, brat. Even if it's messed up for your parents to be so ignorant, the fact that their guess is so far off the mark is pretty funny."

Deidara turned the thought over in his mind for a moment or two, before grinning and snickering a bit. "Ok, maybe it's a little funny, un."

"I don't suppose they told you whether or not they accept me, did they?"

"Well no, but I don't think they hate you," Deidara reasoned. "Guess that'll be something else I need to talk to them about, un."

"So, you are planning on having a discussion with them?" Sasori asked, moving onto the bed and taking a seat by Deidara.

The blond nodded and extracted himself from the pillow, sitting up and leaning his head against Sasori's shoulder. "We really need to, un. Just a couple hours to clarify who I am and what I'm going to do with my life, un. You're part of that plan, so I need to talk about you, un."

"I'm sure they'll be willing to listen, provided you get them to be quiet long enough to hear what you have to say," Sasori assured the blond in the hopes of bolstering his spirit. "Just don't back down, ok?"

"Not a chance in hell, danna," Deidara promised.

"Hm, you know, I really like it when you act all feisty like that," Sasori murmured, leaning in to nibble Deidara's neck.

"Danna!" Deidara squealed, squirming away from the tickling sensation Sasori was causing. But the rest of the bomber's protests were quickly lost when Sasori flipped him onto his back and dove in for a kiss. Tomorrow they could worry about Deidara's parents; for now, it was high time for a little indulgence in the privacy of their own attic.

-n-

"Everyone's tucked in?" Konan asked as Pein snuggled in beside her on the couch's pullout bed.

"Mhm," the ginger answered as he kissed Konan's cheek. "Sasori and Deidara are still awake, judging from the sounds I heard, but they should be asleep soon enough. Kisame and Itachi are asleep, but all the soap they use is gone, so I went ahead and added that to the grocery list. Kakuzu and Hidan are in their rooms, and Zetsu and Tobi are coloring or something. and Tsunade, of course, is using our room for something, either sleep or paperwork, I'm not sure which."

"Sounds like everything's under control for once," Konan admitted with a grin.

"Shh, you'll jinx it."

The origami mistress smiled as she watched her boyfriend burrow under the covers, tugging her down to snuggle in his arms for a bit. Pein was taking this trial far harder than anyone knew, and knowing him he would die before admitting how stressed this mess was making him. "Pein, everything will be all right."

"Of course it will, Konan. Everyone knows that."

"Really? How exactly do you _know_ that, Pein?"

"Because we established a very long time ago that whatever evil force controls the universe hates me. Therefore, they'd want me to suffer for a very long time, and the easiest way to do that is to ensure that nearly all of my time is devoted to managing the ninnies we know have living in our house. If we're separated by legal action or anything else, my suffering will no longer be so intense, and the dark evil powers on high simply won't allow for that. Therefore, we will go to court, we will come out fine, as always, and I will be that much closer to death via an Advil overdose."

Konan blinked in surprise, before staring up at her boyfriend. "You know, in the weirdest most impossible way…that kind of makes sense."

"I'm aware. Now please let me sleep before the next terrible thing happens, because it's always a matter of _when_ the dark powers will attack me, not if." And rolling her eyes at the ginger's professed sufferings, Konan nuzzled into his chest and allowed the duo to drift off.


	26. Chapter 25

The days leading up to the Akatsuki's court appearance were plagued by unusual occurrences that did little to settle anyone's nerves, and caused more problems than they solved. It all began one morning with a knock on the door, right around the time everyone was finishing their breakfast. "Tobi will get it!" the masked teen cried, springing up out of his seat and bounding out of the kitchen and into the living room. All the teens were growing restless under this retched house arrest, and none felt it as sharply as the hyperactive, ADHD Uchiha.

Tobi bounced right up to the door and swung it open, smiling at their guest from behind his mask. "Hello!"

Standing on the other side of the door was a little old lady about a head shorter than Tobi, with grey hair pulled back into a tight bun and sharp black eyes that betrayed an intelligence not dampened by age. She held a rolling suitcase in one hand and a cane in the other, and altogether looked like a little old lady that had somehow lost her way to a retirement community. "Is Sasori Akasuna here?" she demanded in a voice equally creaky and stern.

"Erm, yes, but why-"

"Good then, I need to see him immediately. I'm Granny Chiyo, by the way. Please be a dear and get the rest of my bags from the cab, won't you? And hurry, I think that cabby might be planning to run off with my souvenirs and sell them!" Tobi was decidedly confused by this point in time, but wanting to be a good boy he nonetheless exited the house and began picking up the bags in from where they'd been dumped on the sidewalk, mindful not to go too far from the house.

The little old lady, meanwhile, had walked into the living room and began prodding the furniture with her cane, shaking her head all the while. "This place needs a good scrubbing and dusting, I think. Good thing I came prepared for such a mess."

"Excuse me, ma'am, but can we help you with something?"

Chiyo looked up to see that Pein had entered the room and was giving her a look, somewhere between annoyance at the lady being in his house and worry that the lady had wandered in and was extremely confused. Not wanting to be mistaken as a senile old biddy, the grandmother promptly marched up to the teen (who was a good foot taller than her, at least), and said in her most authoritative tone, "I need to speak to Sasori Akasuna, immediately."

Still a bit wary, Pein yelled for Sasori to come into the living room while the leader himself watched the elderly woman from the corner of his eye. It wasn't every day that little old ladies barged into the Akatsuki's home and demanded to speak to one of the members, after all. Plus, considering the variety of weirdos they'd been dealing with lately, it was a good idea to err on the side of caution.

In a few seconds Sasori appeared, looking distinctly confused that he alone was being called into the room. "Yeah Pein?"

"Don't address people with 'yeah', young man!" Chiyo scolded, bonking the puppeteer with her cane with all the force of a stale marshmallow being hurled across the room. "Goodness, I leave you alone for a few months and come home to this?! I raised you better than that, you little Scorpling!"

"Grandma Chiyo?!" Sasori gaped, oblivious to the fact that his grandmother was giving him an increasingly scathing look.

"Wait, isn't she supposed to be in Italy?" Pein demanded, looking from the redhead to the old lady and back again.

"Yes, she is; at least that's what her postcards were saying-"

"And don't act like I can't hear you, Sasori!" Bonk. "I'm not that deaf yet!" Bonk. "And for your information, I was quite enjoying my retirement in South Italy, when one of my good friends posted a story from the International column of the news's webpage or whatever you young folks call it, and whose name was in it but yours?!" Bonk. "You have some explaining to do, young man!" Bonk. "Kidnapping and running from the law and Kami knows what else!" Bonk bonk bonk.

"Grandmother, if you would kindly stop hitting me with that cane-"

"To think, I raised such a criminal of a grandson," the woman sniffled, ceasing her bonking to wipe at her eyes.

"Grandmother, it's not that bad," Sasori began, but was interrupted by the other members plus Tsunade spilling into the living room.

"Sasori, what the hell's going on?" Hidan asked, looking from the Akasuna to the old woman to Pein and back again. "Who's the old hag?"

"Watch your language young man!" Chiyo seemed to magically warp across the room to bonk Hidan on the head. "To think my grandson is associating with such ruffians!"

"Grandmother, I told you, the papers are blowing everything out of proportion!" Sasori argued. "We never kidnapped Deidara, he came with me willingly, and we were fleeing from a psycho cult, not the law!"

"He's telling the truth, ma'am," Tsunade vouched. "These kids get into every mess you could imagine, but they're not bad. At least that's what I keep telling myself when I try to sleep at night…"

"Oh. Well that's different." Chiyo then put on a much more pleasant smile and began looking the group over. "Hm, now which one of you is Deidara?"

"That would be me, un," the blond replied, stepping forward and looking at the old woman with a wary eye.

Quick as a flash Chiyo had looped the handle of her cane through Deidara's belt loop and yanked the teen closer to her, much to everyone's surprise. "Hey, un!"

"Hmm….hmm…._hmm_…" Chiyo looked the blonde up and down, spun him around to get a full view, and at last gave the bewildered bomber a warm grin. "You seem perfect for Sasori! I approve."

"Grandmother!" Sasori snapped, blushing up to his ears as Deidara likewise turned a vibrant shade of scarlet.

"Oh hush now sassy pants, this is what grandmothers do. Now why don't you go help that special needs child with the orange mask? He was unloading my bags, but I'm not sure he can handle all my luggage."

"Luggage?!" Pein demanded.

"No way we can take another person," Kakuzu stated. "The fire marshal will kill us."

"All of you, back into the kitchen!" Pein ordered, and everyone (including Tsunade) soon departed, surely talking about this most recent development out of earshot from the Akatsuki leader. Taking a deep breath, Pein turned his attention back to Chiyo. "Ma'am, surely you don't mean you plan on staying here in this house, do you?"

"That's right, I need to make sure my grandson and his boyfriend stay on the good side of the law until their trial! I have a hotel room booked but I can't check in until tomorrow, so tonight I'm staying here! Now Deidara, while Sasori fetches my bags, you and I can sit and talk about your future plans for Sasori."

"But-"

"Oh don't be shy, I brought chocolate chip cookies that I'm sure you'll love!" And so it came to pass that the Akatsuki had to accept one more person into their house, if only for a night, while Sasori brought in his grandmother's baggage and Deidara attempted to explain that Tobi wasn't special needs, just a bit special.

-n-

The second major development came later that night, when Itachi received a surprise call on his cell phone. He'd been in his room, typing yet another paper for one of his friends to keep them from flunking out, and welcomed the break from studying. If he kept this up for much longer, his wrists would never un-cramp. "Hello?"

"Uncle Itchy, it's me!"

"Tenshi?!"

"Yeah. Sorry we got separated in processing; Boom and I got bailed out by our parents, and let me tell you, we had to do a hell of a lot of lying to get out of trouble! Well, mostly out of trouble. We're still kind of grounded for a month."

"Sorry."

"Don't be, things got really crazy back there. Anyway, that's not why I'm calling you. I have big news, and you really need to hear this. Are you alone? Can we talk for a bit?"

Itachi shut the door to his room and locked it, hoping Kisame wouldn't come by before the conversation was done. "All right, what is it?"

"The family's been talking about you again," Tenshi explained. Itachi felt himself tense up, and tried to relax as his goddaughter continued. "It turns out they've been following you for years, and they're not so much scared of your "curse" anymore as they are impressed by your grades and intellect. They finally noticed you're a freaking prodigy; took them long enough, I guess."

"I see," Itachi stated, though he still didn't understand where this was going.

"Itachi…I think they want you to take over the family business."

"Not a chance in hell."

"I know you don't want to, but listen, you know what our family's like when they get an idea in their heads!"

"Like a starving dog with a bone," Itachi said. "And they never let go."

"Exactly, and trust me, when they start reading between the lines and find out about Kisame and your Akatsuki group, they're not going to be happy. You guys need to be prepared to deal with whatever they start throwing at you, and considering how thoroughly they disowned Madara, I wouldn't put anything past them."

"Tobi. His name's Tobi now," was all Itachi could say.

"Right, sorry. Look, Boom and I are on your side, but I'm a kid and she's not even family, so I don't know how much we can do, but if you ever need help…just give us a call, ok? We're with you, and so's Tobi and all your friends, I'm sure."

"Thanks Tenshi. You're positive about this then?"

"Well they won't stop talking about you; I hate to say it, but you really are the perfect candidate to take over the company, at least on paper. I'll try to find out more, but for right now, don't tell anyone. Kisame seems like too nice of a guy to get wrapped up in this drama, and I think that leader you have already snapped a few strings on his viola, if you know what I mean."

"Thank you, Tenshi. Goodbye then."

"Bye."

Itachi heard the beep as his cousin hung up and set the phone in his lap, staring at it for several long minutes. He didn't know what to make of this most recent development with his family, but he supposed something like this was inevitable. A nagging voice in the back of his mind had always pointed out how strange it was that, while the family refused to let him live with any of them, they still paid his bills and provided a home for him, whereas Tobi had been thrown out with nothing. He would still receive calls from them every now and again, and never had they made any attempt to completely eradicate the weasel's memory from their family tree. Now it all made sense; they'd been keeping an eye on him to see how things developed, and whether or not the budding young genius was worth keeping in the Uchiha name.

Itachi had no idea what he was going to do about this, and decided that for the time being, he'd worry about the trial and keep this from the others. No point in giving them something else to worry about. Mind made up, Itachi unlocked the door and walked down the stairs to get to the kitchen. Chiyo's cookies had been to die for, and from the smell of it the woman had already started on another batch.

-n-

Finally, the Akatsuki had to deal with a visit from Konan's uncle Nagato, who was older than the house they were living in and twice as rickety. "Honestly, this place is turning into an old folks' home," Kakuzu complained on the day of Nagato's arrival.

"Eh, wassat?" the old man, hunched over from age and with more grey hair coming out of his ears than on the top of his head, looked around the kitchen in an attempt to see who was there. Granted, his eyes had been plagued by cataracts for years and he had all the visual capabilities of Helen Keller on a bad day, but he still made the effort nonetheless. "Percy, is that you?!"

"It's Pein," the ginger leader all but yelled, knowing how deaf Konan's uncle was. "Konan brought you here for a visit."

"Eh, Konan? Is that little whippersnapper still around?"

"Right here Uncle Nagato," Konan yelled, leaning close to the man's face and hugging him.

"Oh, Konan! That's right, I left you your folks' house. Well, what was I going to do with a house at my age? Eh, reminds me of when I was a kid…"

"Jashin damnit, he's one of those old farts that can't shut the hell up about the good old days, isn't he?" Hidan whined from a safe distance at a low volume.

"If it weren't for him we wouldn't have a home right now, so be grateful," Kakuzu scolded. "Even if he does have that old person smell."

"So you're in the papers, eh?" Nagato laughed, completely oblivious to the conversation going on behind his back. "Yup, I remember the days I made the papers. Tipping over cows, riding my bike into a mailbox, all kinds of shenanigans! Oh, how your great-aunt ever put up with me…well I'm just grateful she did."

"So you've _actually_ been living in her uncle's house then," Tsunade said to Pein with a hint of surprise in her tone.

"Of course we have! How do you think three teenagers managed to get a house?"

"Oh come off it, Pein, if half the stuff you Akatsuki kids do is legal than I actually look my age."

"Once again, I must insist that I and my friends-"

"Yeah yeah, same old song and dance as usual. Though I still have to wonder why Konan let you and Zetsu live here."

Pein looked to his girlfriend to make sure she was still focused on Nagato. Once this was confirmed, the teen motioned for Tsunade to move towards the back of the room, giving them a bit more privacy. "She inherited the house after her mother and father died. You remember that train accident a few years ago? She and I were in the eighth grade then. Hard to believe it's been three years…" shaking his head, the Akatsuki leader continued on. "She was lonely, so Zetsu and I started staying over more and more. Eventually she just let us move in, and then the others came here last year. Konan always wanted a big family, especially when her parents passed; I guess this is her way of getting it right now."

"What about you? Don't you have parents?"

"They left me with my grandpa when I was little," Pein explained with a shrug. "I think they're on the coast now or something. Grandpa was always good about letting me do what I wanted, so he was all right with me coming to stay here. This information is in our records, by the way; we're not hiding anything from the school."

"Wow. You kids have had it rough."

Pein shrugged again. "We get by. We're starting to figure out this whole family thing, and it's kind of nice to have people who care about you nearby."

"Even if they do prompt you to make frequent death threats?"

"Principal Tsunade, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You told Hidan you were going to beat his skull in with your…squirrel mallet thingy if he didn't behave last night. You do realize death threats are a felony, right?"

Pein didn't seem the list bit surprised by this information. "If you have a better way of getting these people to listen to me, please let me know. The Advil budget will thank you for that."

"Point taken. So, what are we going to do with the old guy?"

"Keep him here for a few days, have him sign some papers, and then send him back to his retirement village. He actually likes the place, if you can believe it."

"What kind of papers?"

"That's for the lawyers to know and you to never find out."

Tsunade rolled her eyes but let it go. There was a time and a place to pick a fight with the Akatsuki, and now was not it.

Eventually the others dispersed from the kitchen so Konan and Tobi could get started on dinner, which promised to be a delicious serving of roast squirrel and mashed potatoes, along with enough sides to choke a horse. Tsunade actually caught herself drooling at the prospect of well cooked squirrel, much to her own horror. "Dear Kami, that trial can't come soon enough."


	27. Chapter 26

"Deidara?"

"Mmm…" the blond slowly blinked his eyes open to see Sasori sitting up in bed beside him. A quick glance out the window showed that the sun had barely risen, and most of the city was probably still asleep. "Danna, did you say something, un?"

Sasori nodded and placed a hand around the back of Deidara's neck, pulling the bomber in for a kiss. Deidara in turn wrapped his arms around Sasori and returned the kiss, still not sure what was going on but happy for the impromptu make-out session. The bomber finally pulled back and kissed his danna on the nose, smiling at the redhead. "What brought this on, Sasori danna?"

"Today's the day of our trial." Deidara nodded, feeling a bit of his happiness deflate at the thought. "And I was thinking that we're definitely going to have to face the consequences for some of the things we did. So, before that happens…there's something that I want to do."

"What is it, un?"

Sasori leaned in and whispered something in Deidara's ear that made the blond blush. "Right now, un?"

"Not if you don't want to," Sasori promised. "This is something we'll do when we're comfortable with it."

Deidara seemed to think it over for a moment, before nodding and taking Sasori's hand into his own. "All right."

"You mean it?" Sasori asked hopefully.

"Yeah, un. We love each other, and we're both pretty damn sexy, so why not?" Sasori rolled his eyes as the blond giggled, before they began kissing again.

-n-

Hours later found all the Akatsuki members grouped together outside the courthouse. They should have already been in the courtroom as the proceedings got under way, but the entire courthouse was currently surrounded by screaming Jashinist fangirls, who were either waving signs or wearing shirts with "Free Hidan!" scrawled all over them. "Well this is…unexpected," Mr. Foolery finally stated.

"Couldn't you have restrained them?!" Tsunade demanded before Pein could start screaming.  
It only seemed fair that the lone responsible adult in the group should be handling the bitching for now. "We're charging them with assault, for Kami's sake!"

"Well there isn't enough room in the local jail to hold them, and most of them were released on bond anyway, since we're actually charging the JRCH for endangering us, and not the individual fangirls," Mr. Nanigans explained. "Besides, we're technically only dealing with the breaking and entering stuff today, along with evading arrest. Tomorrow will be the reckless driving and assault charges against Itachi, and then the day afterwards Deidara will speak to a judge about his family life before we tackle the charges against the JRCH."

"This is insane, un," Deidara complained. His joy from the day's earlier "activities" had all but faded away now, and Sasori was barely able to rouse a smile from the blond when he kissed Deidara.

Eventually Mr. Nanigans and Foolery were able to get the courthouse security staff outside to escort the Akatsuki members in, amidst the flurry of fangirls and paparazzi. While they'd been in the car, the press had arrived and had shoved their way through the mob to harass the Akatsuki group. "Kids, is it true that you're being charged with terrorist activities?!" one reporter called out.

"Is it true that you're responsible for a number of explosions at Konoha High School?!"

"How do you respond to allegations that you are a recruiting front for a Satanic cult?!"

Tsunade had no idea how to handle this mess. Pein, fortunately, had a moment of inspiration and whispered something into Hidan's ear. Looking somewhat sick, Hidan broke out of the group and cupped his hands around his mouth. "Oi, fangirls!"

Several hundred heads turned to the Jashinist.

Hidan quickly yanked off his shirt and held it over his head. "This goes to whoever brings me the most cameras from the reporters!"

It was like someone dropped a lit match into an oil tanker. Fangirls descended on every reporter and camera crew they could, wrenching cameras and microphones away from their owners and dropping them to the ground in the confusion. Rolling his eyes, Hidan tossed his shirt into the crowd, where it was almost immediately torn to shreds by a horde of screeching females. "Fucking fangirls."

-n-

Once everyone had been safely herded into the courtroom and seated in a (semi) orderly manner, the trial was ready to begin. Everyone rose in respect for the honorable Judge Richard Smith and then took their seats as his motion. "All right, we're hearing the case of the 'Akatsuki'-"

"My clients object to that title!" Nanigans interjected.

"…versus Dr. and Dr. Senju. Is the prosecution ready to present its case?"

"Er, yes, your honor," the opposing lawyer began uneasily. "But, my clients have since decided to retract their charges."

Judge Smith peered over the rim of his glasses, looking less than pleased to hear this. "You couldn't have mentioned this in my chamber before the trial started?"

"Well, you see sir-" the lawyer continued, looking every bit as uncomfortable as the judge was displeased, "my clients weren't certain that they wanted to drop the charges until five minutes ago."

"At first," Dr. Senju began, "my esteemed colleague and husband, Dr. Senju, pointed out that the Minnetonka tribe in southern Paraguay often bring their young ones before a council of elders in a sort of trial, before they can be deemed fit to be called an adult in the village."

"Indeed," Dr. Senju agreed, "but then Dr. Senju reminded me that just a few dozen miles away, the Chimichonga tribe considers bringing charges against their youth to be an insult to the gods, since acts of rebellion are seen as the child's way of determining which gods do and do not favor them."

"Which of course," Dr. Senju went on, "caused Dr. Senju to point out that the Chimichongas still had a trial by combat once they turned sixteen, which we of course no longer have in this country."

"So, those are Zetsu's parents?" Kisame whispered to Pein as the two doctors continued to banter back and forth about ancient cultures and how that affected their parenting style.

"Yup."

"And there's absolutely no chance he was adopted, or switched at birth?"

"None whatsoever."

Kisame gave the two a long look. "I'm not calling them crazy or anything, but I can definitely see where Zetsu gets the mental instability from."

"And so you see," Dr. Senju concluded, "we realized that we simply had to drop the charges. You know what they say; young adolescences influenced by tribal remedies will be young adolescences." The other Dr. Senju giggled, and the two took their seats while holding hands.

"Thank you, Drs. Senju and Senju," Judge Smith stated. "That was very…informative. If there is no objection to this dismissal of charges, the next case is Akatsuki-"

"My clients object to that title!"

"…The band of hooligans before me," the judge corrected, "versus the federal government. You are each charged with one count of evading arrest, fleeing across state lines, reckless endangerment of civilians and driving-"

"You said they wouldn't bring that up until tomorrow!" Tsunade hissed at the lawyers.

"Whoopsie. I forgot that this is a leap year," Mr. Foolery sheepishly stated.

"How do the defendants plea?"

"Not guilty, your honor," Mr. Nanigans stated as he rose from the bench. "My clients refused to cross state lines until they deemed that their lives were threatened. And as it's impossible to determine who and how many people were endangered by my clients as opposed to a number of raving fanatics from the nearby Jashinist Reeducation Camp for Heathens, henceforth abbreviated JRCH, I motion that all such charges be immediately dropped."

"Damn, I'm not really sure what he said, but it sounded good," Kisame whispered to the others.

"Your honor," the prosecutor began, "if these hooligans really believed their lives were threatened, why did they not simply turn to the law? These teenagers were not innocent victims of circumstance, but rather fugitives fleeing from kidnapping charges and were only apprehended when the damage they caused throughout the countryside finally caught up to them! Justice must be served."

"Thank you, Dr. Dawson, but I will be the one to determine what justice, if any, should be delivered," Judge Smith concluded. "Let us begin!"

-several hours later-

"So, you're saying that you did not go to the JRCH to hide from the police, correct?" Mr. Foolery asked.

"Yes," Hidan answered, eye twitching as he spoke. This part of the strategy was the most dangerous to his health, but it was the only way that the Akatsuki could possibly escape the evading arrest charges.

"Why were you going there, then?"

Hidan gulped, knowing that this would not end well for them. Besides, the effort it took not to swear bloody murder was already driving him crazy. "Well you see, I was hoping that taking my friends to a site sacred to Jashin-"

"That's the god of the religion you follow, yes?"

"Objection!" Dr. Dawson cut in. "This 'Jashin' fellow is a depraved deity of a murderous cult that demands blood sacrifice, which is illegal in this country and therefore not protected under the law!"

"Why you fu-"

"Actually your honor, the case of Clunk vs. Witherspoon determined that, even if a religion's practices are not protected by law, the religion itself (especially the god) is," Mr. Foolery countered.

"That case was overturned five years ago," Dr. Dawson stated with a smirk.

"Yes, ah, but only at the state level! This case is in federal hands, and therefore the overturning does not apply."

"He's right, Dawson," Judge Smith cut in. "You'll have to do better than that."

"Phew," Mr. Nanigans whispered. "That was definitely a bluff."

"Where the hell did you find these people?!" Tsunade demanded, turning several shades paler at the lawyer's admission.

"Turns out, law students will practically pay to do a pro bono case this big," Kakuzu whispered to her.

"You didn't hire a real lawyer?!" Tsunade hissed. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"Defense, please tell your clients to quiet down!" the judge ordered, putting an end to Tsunade's line of inquiry.

"Ahem, where was I?" Mr. Foolery went on. "Ah yes. Jashin is the name of the god you worship, yes?"

"Yes."

"And you were on the way to a sacred site, correct?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I was given a mission by my fu…by my parents to convert my friends, and I decided a trip my help."

"Mm, so you packed up everyone for a little pilgrimage?"

"Yes," Hidan answered.

"And why this particular site?" the lawyer continued.

Hidan took a deep breath and balled both of his hands into fists. Here it was. The moment of judgment. "Well, there were a number of girls that were at this camp…they'd written to me over the years, begging me to visit…so I decided that I should finally meet some of these…lovely ladies…"

At this admission the fangirls went nuts, cheering and trying to get closer to Hidan to shower him with whatever form of affection Jashin would allow. The entire courthouse security staff was needed to keep them in check, and Judge Smith had to bang his gavel for a solid five minutes before anything vaguely resembling order was established. At that point, the prosecution objected.

"Objection, your honor!" Dr. Dawson objected, as I just said. "The boy is clearly lying, and not very well!"

"Your honor," Mr. Foolery countered, "my client was simply speaking slower than usual because he is accustomed to swearing wildly, which we felt would not be acceptable in your court room."

"I'll allow it this once," Judge Smith stated. "Finish your statement, Mr. Neko, or I'll be inclined to agree with the prosecution."

"Fine," Hidan replied, deciding it was best to just get everything out there. "We showed up and there were fucking fangirls everywhere, and we stayed until I was sure they were gonna rip my ass apart in my sleep, so we fucking took off while they were at a Jashin-damned circus which should have worked, but these crazy bitches went full-blown batshit insane and fucking started chasing us! So we fucking ran like hell until there was a fifty-fucking car pileup or whatever, and there were fangirls and thespians and who the fuck knows what else just lying fucking everywhere!"

The courtroom was quiet for a time. And then, "Thank you, Mr. Neko," Judge Smith stated. "Prosecutor, do you have any questions for this witness?"

"No, no your honor," he replied, clearly taken about by Hidan's language.

"You know, I never really realized how desensitized we are to Hidan until right now," Sasori thoughtfully stated, with the others agreeing.

The fangirls, rather than being admonished by Hidan's statement, now sought to charge forward and swear to Hidan up and down that they weren't crazy, on no, everyone else was. Security once again had to hold the girls at bay, the judge called for order (in vain) and finally, something inside Hidan snapped.

"Oi, fangirls!" Hidan shouted, climbing on top of the witness stand. The fangirls immediately fell silent.

"Mr. Neko, sit down!" Judge Smith ordered.

Hidan, however, was not backing down. The stress of the past few weeks had finally gotten to him, and even if he couldn't do anything about the legal charges they were facing, he could at least do something about the fangirls. "Look, you're all fucking great, and the hero worship is pretty damn nice, but something between me and one of you is never going to happen, because I am GAY!"

"Mr. Neko, that's enough!"

"Gay, you hear?! Gay as a fresh spring day! Fruity as an orchard! The JRPG characters you ship get less action than me!"

"Mr. Neko, this is your final warning to get down!"

"Holy crap, I think Hidan just bought a first-class ticket to crazy town," Kisame muttered as the others watched their friend spiral out of control. Tobi actually brought out a small bag of popcorn from his coat pocket and offered some to the others while watching the show.

"And the proof is right there," Hidan yelled, hopping down from the stands and walking towards his seat, "because here's my boyfriend!" And before Kakuzu could dodge out of harm's way, Hidan leaned over the bench and smashed their lips together in a bruising kiss.

The fangirls let out a group scream that cracked most of the windows in the courthouse before collectively fainting to the ground, confusing and alarming a number of the security forces who were present.

"That is it!" Judge Smith barked. "Mr. Nanigans and Foolery, you have until the paramedics haul these women out of my courtroom to get your clients under control, or the entire group will be held in contempt of court! Do I make myself clear?!"

"Perfectly, your honor," Mr. Foolery replied while his companion proceeded to chew out Hidan.

"Congrats, Hidan," Kakuzu sarcastically remarked. "I doubt you could have caused more damage if you tried. Jashin would certainly be proud."

While the statement was meant to be scolding, Hidan merely smiled at the miser. "Aw, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me, dumbass."

-some time later-

The trial dragged on through lunch and into the evening, until finally the judge concluded the trial for the day. "I'll see you all bright and early tomorrow," he stated. "And I expect all of you to be on your best behavior," he added, giving Hidan a stern look.

"Tch, fucker," Hidan muttered as the people in the courtroom rose from their seats to stretch.

"Let's just go home and finally have some peace," Pein groaned, sore from sitting on a bench all day.

"Let's just hope that the fallout from Hidan's little stunt isn't too bad," Sasori grumbled. Slowly, the group made their way to the doors of the courthouse, braced themselves for whatever would be on the other side, and stepped outside.

Never let it be said of fangirls that they cannot organize in a pinch. Outside the doors of the courthouse, the Akatsuki was met with a most peculiar sight. Nearly all of the Jashinist females were still present, but no longer held "Free Hidan!" signs. Instead, the vast majority of them sported t-shirts with a hastily ironed-on picture of Hidan and Kakuzu kissing (probably taken by a cheap phone camera), and had written on the back of their old signs, "Kakuhidan forever!"

"Well they didn't waste any time," Itachi commented.

"And such a cute name for you two, un," Deidara giggled.

Hidan let out a groan like a wounded animal and slowly brought his hands up to cover his eyes. "Jashin. Damned. Mother. Fucking. Fangirls."


	28. Epilogue

That night, after the Akatsuki had fought their way through hordes of screaming fangirls and made it back to their house, they got a lucky break. Nanigans and Foolery were on the phone for over an hour, screaming at some points and whispering at others. Finally, they hung up the phone and approached the teens plus Tsunade, smiles stretching from ear to ear. "We got the SRM to drop the assault charges against Itachi!"

"Seriously?!" Deidara gasped. "That's the first good thing to happen to us in forever, un!"

"What exactly happened?" Pein asked, having resolved himself to a life where nothing good ever happened to him without some sort of catch.

"Well, it was less of them dropping the charges and more of a plea bargain, really," Nanigans had to admit. "But trust me, it's totally worth it! And you won't have to worry about anything until the trials are over, anyway, so let's focus on tomorrow's only real problem: Pein's driving."

"Stop looking at me like that!" Pein snapped when the two lawyers shot him dirty looks. "If you had been in my position, you would have done even worse!"

"Be that as it may, there's still a pretty good chance that your license will be suspended unless we can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that your lives were in danger," Foolery explained.

"Would you like me to grab one of the fangirls from outside have them explain what they were planning to do to Hidan if they caught him, and what would have happened to the rest of us for taking him away?" Pein emphasized his point by pulling back a corner of the curtain covering the kitchen window, which revealed half a dozen female faces and their cameras pressed up against the glass. Thank Kami Deidara's obsession with explosions had necessitated bullet-proof glass for all the windows, otherwise the fangirls would have broken in hours ago.

"Close that thing right now!" Tsunade commanded as she pulled the curtain back into place. "You're only going to get them more riled up!"

"If there's one thing worse than fangirls, it's yaoi fangirls," Sasori grumbled while shooting Konan a pointed look.

"Hey, I keep my needs in check!" the blue-haired woman shot back. "And I least I don't take pictures of you people doing things!"

"Calm down, I'm calling the police to get them off the front porch now," Kakuzu interjected, phone already in hand.

"What the hell did I ever do to them?!" Hidan whined from his hiding place under the table. The zealot's rage had finally been exhausted that afternoon in the courthouse, and now he was engaged in full-on pity party mode.

Having no sympathy for the man after living with him for several years, Pein snapped, "You've lived a horrible life and karma is biting you on the ass."

"Much like Kakuzu does," Sasori muttered, making Deidara snort into his soda.

"Not to worry, not to worry!" Nanigans cut in, trying to bring the conversation back to their legal troubles. "We've summoned the best witnesses we could, and I for one entirely believe that we are in semi-decent shape!"

-the next day-

"And you see, sir, them there fangirls have been causin' problems for me an' my brother since my daddy was running the store!" Kankuro explained. The normally greasy mechanic had dressed in his best suit for the court appearance today, combed out the knots in his hair and was sitting perfectly straight in his seat. All in all, he looked to be the picture of an upstanding citizen, and his southern drawl did little to detract from his persona; if anything, it made him seem more friendly and honest to the judge.

"I see," Nanigans replied, nodding at the explanation. "But lots of people cause problems. It's an everyday occurrence. What made these fangirls in particular so dangerous?"

"They're more violent than a rattlesnake and a mongoose trapped in a sack!" Kankuro declared. "They run around tearing up anything they can get their hands on, they fight with people just for lookin' at them funny, and my poor sister-"

(Here Gaara respectfully removed his hat and bowed his head)

"-well it ain't even polite to say what they done to her!"

"So, in your honest opinion, were my clients justified in doing what they did to try and escape?"

"Of course! Anyone with anything short of a tank would've been justified running like these folks did. I'm just sorry my brother and I couldn't be more helpful to them. Nice folks, really."

"Our ace in the hole is some hick that sold minors a couple of ATVs?!" Tsunade hissed to Foolery. "What the hell are you people thinking?!"

"That hick is an upstanding member of the community, and he's been around the fangirls long enough to have a good idea as to what they're capable of doing," Foolery shot back. "So just sit back and relax."

Kankuro and Gaara were both examined, and then cross-examined. Psychologists were called on, video footage from security cameras was played, and so much legal jargon was thrown around that eventually the Akatsuki members just gave up on following along with the proceedings and just tried to "sit still and look very sorry," as Pein had ordered them to do. The trial dragged on for over a week, pushing back Deidara's meeting with the judge and his parents, but at last both the defense and the prosecution felt that everything had been said that could be said.

The next day, the judge entered the courtroom and took his seat, commanding the defendants to rise for his verdict. "After carefully looking over the evidence, and in no small part thanks to the testimony of inspector Ibiki, I have concluded that you young people made every possible attempt to return to Konoha, and considered your lives to be endangered. As such, I am declaring a verdict of not guilty for all charges."

The Akatsuki members began to cheer, Nanigans and Foolery hugged, and Tsunade couldn't repress a smile. "Damn kids, you did it again."

"However," Judge Smith cut in, interrupting the merriment, "Mr. Neko has proven time and again to be a disruption to my courtroom, and his outbursts are impolite at best. As such, I am sentencing him to an anger management course-"

"Like hell I'm doing that!" Hidan snapped.

"-which if he fails to complete will result in his being remanded to a juvenile detention facility!"

"…Where do I sign up?"

-n-

Later that afternoon, Deidara approached the office of Judge Smith with only Mr. Foolery by his side. The earlier joy he'd felt at the Akatsuki's not guilty verdict had quickly dissipated, and was replaced by dread that, even though they'd managed to escape a long stay in the slammer, he might still be forcibly separated from his friends. This meeting would determine whether state officials would need to launch a more thorough investigation than the report provided by Tsunade, and would directly influence Deidara's life for the next few years. His heart leapt into his throat when the door to the office opened before him and Foolery beckoned for him to enter first. Digging his nails into his palms and praying that his handmouths wouldn't gag on the sweat from his palms (it had happened before and was equal parts uncomfortable and nasty) the teen walked in.

His parents and their lawyer were already sitting in chairs on the right-hand side of the room, the Iwas beaming at their son and believing their troubles would be taken care of very quickly. Tsunade was on the far left, offering Deidara a comforting smile as she patted the chair beside her. Deidara quickly took the seat before Foolery could; he wanted some support right now, and Foolery's incompetence diminished whatever encouragement the man was able to give.

Several tense minutes passed before Judge Smith finally stepped into the room, his robes swishing behind him as he crossed the chamber and took his seat. "Before we begin, I want to remind both parties that although we are in my personal chambers, and not a courtroom, this is still an official meeting and I will not tolerate poor behavior or language on either side. Is that perfectly clear?"

"Yes sir," the group chorused in perfect unison.

"Good. Now, from what I recall, this young man was believed to have been kidnapped from his boarding school. It was later revealed, however, that he just ran away with his friends for a spring break trip of sorts, and as such the kidnapping charges have been dropped."

"That's correct, sir," the Iwa lawyer confirmed. "My clients have no desire to press any charges against their son's friends at this time."

"What we are here to discuss, then," the judge continued. "Is the matter of Deidara's current living arrangements. Ms. Tsunade, from what I understand Deidara has been living in a house full of teenagers, with no adult supervision for the past several years. Is this correct?"

"All of the teenagers except for Hidan Neko, Sasori Akasuna, and Kisame Hoshigaki have been officially emancipated by their families," Tsunade explained, trying to paint the situation in the best light that she possibly could. "Those three are living in the house with their family's explicit consent; I have the forms here-"

"Thank you, but I seem to remember you sent me a copy earlier…ah, here it is," Judge Smith murmured, extracting several papers (a few of which were quite torn and bloody) from the pile. "Legally they're all right, but I must seriously question the idea of having such young and volatile people living together under one roof. What are your thoughts on the current arrangement?"

Tsunade took a deep breath, trying desperately to suppress all the negative things regarding the Akatsuki that had built up in her over the years. "Your honor, the setup these teenagers have is certainly unorthodox, but they function quite well as a family unit. They come to school on a regular basis, none of them are failing any of their courses, they are all properly fed and clothed, and their hygiene is fine. In my personal opinion, this is a safe and stable environment to be living in." Kami, she nearly choked on that last part.

"What about sleeping arrangements?" the judge pressed on. "The house certainly isn't large enough to accommodate for all these people without a few persons being left out of a bedroom. Where is Deidara currently sleeping?"

"My client is currently sharing the attic with Mr. Akasuna," Foolery chimed in at this point. "The room is the largest in the house, in terms of square footage, and is properly insulated against inclement weather."

"Oh, Sasori must be the boyfriend then!" Mrs. Iwa chirped.

"Pardon? Boyfriend?" Judge Smith gave the Iwas a very confused look, while Deidara attempted to bury his blushing face in his hands. "What boyfriend?"

"Your honor, my clients have reason to believe that the entire reason for Deidara living with these teenagers in the first place is that he was scared to admit to them that he identifies as a homosexual."

"You don't say," Judge Smith deadpanned, giving Deidara a brief glance. "Deidara, is this true?"

Deidara wanted to shout that no, it wasn't true, he was just tired of living with people that couldn't care less about him when there was a much better option at hand. Before he could unleash a tirade that would surely wreck Foolery's entire defense, however, the blond had a moment of inspiration as to how to save himself from this mess. "Yes, your honor, my parents are right," Deidara explained quietly. "I didn't know how to tell them I was gay, so I ran away instead, un. The guilt of living in Konoha though was too much, so I accepted their offer to go to boarding school, un."

Tsunade tried to contain her surprise; what exactly was Deidara doing here? Did he want to go back to his parents now?

"So what I'm hearing," Judge Smith concluded with a hint of annoyance in his tone, "is that this entire affair has been a series of misunderstandings and teenage drama that got completely out of hand and has resulted in extensive property damage over several towns and a huge waste of the court's time?"

"Yes, your honor, I suppose that would be a fair explanation," Foolery weakly agreed.

Judge Smith sighed and rubbed his temples. "Honestly, I see no reason to launch any sort of investigation into this matter any further. Mr. Iwa here has clearly suffered no abuse at the hands of his friends or family, and seems quite willing to return to his parents now that this mess has been sorted out. I am henceforth recommending that all possibilities of any further inquiries be dropped, and dearly hope never to see any of you in my office or courtroom ever again. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, your honor," everyone chorused before being led out of the chamber.

Once outside the door, Deidara's mother squealed and hugged her son tightly. Deidara's father stood close by as well, whereas Tsunade and the two lawyers wandered off to give the family some privacy. "Oh Deidara, you're finally coming home with us!"

"Mom, listen-"

"Oh, what would you like for supper? There's this new Thai restaurant-"

"Mom, please."

The blond woman stopped speaking, surprised at the warbling tone of her son's voice. "Deidara? Honey, what's wrong?"

The bomber had to blink back several tears before he spoke again. "Listen, I love you and dad, really I do, un. But my friends in that house have been really good to me, un."

"Deidara, you don't have to stay there anymore," his father chimed in. "Friends are important, but we're here to support you, remember?"

"That's right, we don't care if you're gay-"

"I didn't leave because I was gay, un," Deidara cut in. "I left because I feel better there. Like there's this big net of love and support around me all the time, un, and it'll always be there no matter what. I just…I never felt that around you and dad."

"Honey, what are you saying?" Mrs. Iwa asked, worry creeping into her voice for the first time.

Deidara hugged his mom close and whispered in her ear

-several hours later-

Deidara walked into the house and was immediately accosted by the entirety of the Akatsuki. "Deidara, where have you been?!" Sasori demanded. "Tsunade called us hours ago to say that you were going back to your parents!"

"We've been worried sick!" Konan chimed in.

"Don't worry Deidara, we've already got a plan in the works," Pein stated matter-of-factly. "We figure we'll only need to wait a week or two before we can start having you over here several nights a week, and then-"

"It's ok, un," Deidara muttered softly. "My parents are going to emancipate me, un."

"When did this happen?!" Sasori gasped, speaking for the entirety of the Akatsuki.

"After the talk with the judge. I told my parents everything, and they agreed to emancipate me so I can live here with you guys. I just have to sit down for dinner with them once a week, un. That way we're still kind of a family; hell, we'll be spending more time together this way than when they were my legal guardians."

Wordlessly, Sasori pulled Deidara into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around the bomber. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, danna," Deidara promised through some sniffles. "I'm just so glad I get to stay with you, un." Deidara pulled back enough to look at the other teenagers. "With all of you, un. It's the greatest feeling in the world." And he smiled as a single tear rolled down his face.

A cheer suddenly broke out, and a moment later Deidara was glomped by a flash of orange. "Sempai gets to stay with us!" Tobi cheered, squeezing the life out of his friend.

"Dog-pile on Deidara!" Hidan shouted before pouncing as well. A moment later found the entirety of the Akatsuki tangled together in a mass of giggling, cursing, wiggling limbs as the tension that had weighed so heavily on them these past few weeks was finally lifted. At last, life for the Akatsuki could go back to normal. Well, except for one final issue…

-meanwhile, in the SRM camp-

"You people did WHAT?!" Anna screamed, coke bottle glasses sliding so low on her nose that they were in imminent danger of falling off.

"We struck a deal with the Akatsuki," Maria explained as she scratched under her cast with a pencil. The blasted thing couldn't come off soon enough, in her opinion. And just when her other leg had started to heal up, too…

"Our bus was wrecked, half our troupe is incapacitated, we're going to be living off of ramen and napkins soaked in sugar water for the next month, and the one chance we had to make some lemonade out of these lemons (namely, by blackmailing that blue guy and Itachi to join our troupe) has been tossed away. What kind of deal is that?!"

"The kind of deal that gives us full rights to the story between Itachi and Kisame," Maria explained. "Plus merchandising rights as well; although technically those two belong to Masashi Kishimoto…"

"Who? You know what, never mind. Send some members to their house; we need to get intimate details on their private lives." Anna left her second in command to take charge then and stormed off to find Prudence; maybe her best friend would have some good news in regards to their bus.

Unfortunately for the Shakespeare Revival Movement's leader, the bus engine was in much the same condition as it had been when she'd checked on it half an hour ago. Parts were scattered about on the ground around Prudence, and any exposed bit of skin on the blond was covered in motor oil. Lennon sat nearby, plucking away at his guitar in order to keep Prudence entertained while she worked. "How is the old girl?" Anna asked.

"Definitely fixable, but it's going to take some time," Prudence replied without looking up from the engine. "My poor baby; look what those nasty ol' fangirls did to you…"

Anna shook her head and looked to Lennon, who had stopped playing his guitar to retune it. "Let me guess; you're just going to sit here all day and play music to keep morale up, right?"

Lennon smiled and nodded, plucking the strings as he began to sing-

Suddenly Anna leaned forward and pressed the strings against the neck of the instrument, effectively silencing the tune. "Why can't you just give me a regular answer, Lennon?"

"…"

"Seriously, for once in your life, don't act like you're in a musical. Don't sing every stinking word that comes out of your mouth; be straight with me!"

Lennon opened and closed his mouth a few times, but nothing came out. Anna sighed and shook her head. "Never mind. Sorry to bother you." Shaking her head, the troupe leader began to walk off. There were plenty of other matters that she needed to attend to right now.

"…don't make it bad…"

"Hm?" Anna stopped and turned around. "What did you say?"

"Take a sad song, and make it better…" the hippie seemed to be singing to himself, barely even strumming his guitar strings. "Remember, to let her into your heart, then you can start, to make it better…"

"Lennon?"

"So let it out and let it in-"

"Let what out?"

"-You're waiting for someone to perform with. And don't you know…that it's just you…"

"Lennon, what are you trying to say to me?"

The hippie suddenly stood up, setting his guitar on the ground and briskly approaching the SRM leader. Anna didn't even have time to react before Lennon's arms were around her, a strange and enticing look in his eyes. "Anna, listen to me," he said, without a hint of a musical lilt in his voice. "Since the day we met, I have been enthralled by you. I have admired your cunning, your grace, your mind, and your poetic way with death threats, even when times are bad between us. You are everything I could ever want in a partner, a leader, and a friend. I am head over heels in love with you, and I'll stay with you in this camp from now until we make our dreams come true and get one of our original plays turned into a Lifetime movie. That is the truth."

For the first time in her life, Anna was blushing so hard that her scalp turned beet red. "Lennon, you are…this is…how can we…?"

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." And before Anna could utter a groan at how cheesy the line was, Lennon dipped her backwards and kissed her hard.

Cheers erupted from behind them as the SRM members clapped and bounced around in glee, some throwing confetti, some hugging each other, and more than a few yelling, "It's about damn time!" But all of this was lost on the new couple as they continued their kiss, happy as two love-struck thespians could possibly be.

-several days later-

"Oh, Kisame, Anna wants to know if you're all right with us making some adjustments to your character background," Desmond asked, notebook in hand and pen poised over the paper.

Kisame rolled his eyes and took another sip of his soda. Currently he, Itachi, Desmond, and Maria were sitting in the Akatsuki living room, the former two being interviewed by the latter in preparation for the SRM's next big play, "I Dream of Itachi: The Musical" which was set to premiere in a mere six months. Pretty big order, considering that exactly two pages of the play had been written thus far. "Does it really matter what I do or don't want you to do? Our lawyers told us you have all the rights anyway."

"A play is far more likely to be successful if the people it's based on don't cry foul at every minor adjustment we make."

"Fine. What do you want to do?"

"Can we give you a tattoo?"

Itachi nearly choked on his beverage. Kisame, to his credit, just gave the thespians a confused look. "What?"

"We're trying to cultivate a 'tough on the outside, sweet on the inside' thing for you," Desmond explained. "Tattoos tend to convey that idea pretty well."

"Hmm…" Kisame turned to his partner. "How about it, Angel? Think I'd look good with ink?"

"You're a shark, not a squid," Itachi quipped.

"Tattoos it is!" Kisame declared, making Desmond beam and Itachi roll his eyes. "What about you?" Kisame inquired, looking to the female thespian. "Any questions…what was it, Maria?"

"Just one," Maria growled, looking to the ceiling. "Can this please be done already?! Seriously, it's taken forever to finish this damn story! I just want our lives to go back to normal!"

"Who's she yelling at?" Kisame asked.

"Oh, Maria's convinced that we're all figments in the imagination of some great evil author who controls our every movement," Desmond explained with a shrug. "Crazy, right?"

"This is the epilogue," Maria explained with a disgruntled tone, returning her focus to the men around her. "We're so close to the finish line I can taste it."

"And what exactly happens then?" Itachi inquired, more than a bit amused at the woman's antics.

"Well, the SRM gets to fade into obscurity, which means that my life will finally become peaceful again, since our suffering will no longer be needed to entertain the readers."

"And the rest of the world?" Kisame pressed.

At this, Maria chuckled darkly. "Oh, I don't know about the whole world; but you? The evil author certainly has big plans for you two…in the sequel."


End file.
